A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello there, just looking for a few opinions on how others may feel if they were in my situation. Will try and surmise briefly, though do want to give a bit of background first!I've been seeing a man for the last two months, quite intensely. Both of us have been hurt in the past, and both of us are independent people (though he even more so than myself). We have however enjoyed some great times together in the short period of time we've known each other, been away on a couple of weekend trips, he's met my family and generally we get on great. The only trouble we ever seemed to have previously was communicating when he was away on business trips abroad - I found his emailing and texting style somewhat cold and impersonal, in direct contrast with how he is in person. I think this is to do with his personality - he is an engineer and although sensitive and able to talk about his emotions when it's necessary, he doesn't do it freely.Lets call him Jack. Jack is from Ireland and has been living over here in Glasgow, Scotland for the last 6 years. He's been trying to get a job at home for a long time (he misses his family) but it's become increasingly difficult because of the economic situation in Ireland. Just before we met each other he had a job interview in his home city and has subsequently been offered the job... although he still has not received a contract so hasn't handed the notice in at his current employers so will be here in Scotland for at least another couple of months, probably longer. With me so far? We've been together for couple of months, it's been great, give or take a couple of communication issues but the shadow of him leaving Glasgow has been hanging over us from the start. We have never discussed what will happen when he does leave.Also before meeting me, Jack signed up to do an intensive 4 week CELTA course in Barcelona. He's doing this in his holiday time as he is having doubts about a life long career as an engineer (he is also a gifted musician and would prefer to make a living with music). He left for Spain a week ago, after us spending his last few days and nights together. Since he has been away I've had only a few text messages and one email. It's been five days. I've been letting him guide the level of correspondence as I don't want to pressure him in any way.I know the course he is doing will be very demanding, but I feel like he's just gone over there and completely forgotten about me. We never discussed exclusivity before he left, although I do feel it was implicit. He's not a hugely sexually motivated type of guy, and has a sound character so I'm not hugely worried about him 'cheating' but it seems like he doesn't care enough to keep in regular contact.This makes me sad! I don't want to hassle him with any emotional drama while he is doing this course so.. the question is.. am I resigned to just accepting whatever meager attention or contact he makes with me?I kind of feel annoyed about this and that if he can't make the effort, then well f*** him! But then I know realistically that when I see him again, I will have the same affection for him as I did before.I'm currently turning down the advances from other men because of this relationship but maybe I'm stupid to do so?Please, what does anyone else think? If anyone has had the time to read this through I would be grateful on your opinion. Should I wait even though he is not being attentive? I know from before that he is not great at maintaining correspondence from afar but he should know before that I require communication!How should I best handle this situation? With thanks:)
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 May 2011):
 Op, I agree that's difficult, and also often useless putting an one-size-fits-all label on relationships. IMO, though, casual is not directly related to quantity of sex or quantity of time spent together, but more to the intent. You might have been together 24/7 , still he has not asked or promised exclusivity, nor expressed his will to continue the relationship after he relocates , and thought how that could pan out in practical details. Ergo, it's a casual relationship.
Which , it's not necessarily a bad thing, in the circumstances. First, 2 months are a short time ,maybe too early to decide anything , second, you are not in love and you don't know if you are ready for committment either.
So, yes, probably the best is just playing it by ear until he leaves, BUT with an important proviso : No expectations. Like you say yourself , it could go either way ; again, don't assume too much , men are very good at compartimentalizing their life and it's not a given that even if NOW ,before moving, you get along nicely, he wants
to put effort in this relationship AFTER, from a distance.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2011): Hello, OP here. First of all thanks to all three of you for taking the time to read so much! I really was letting off some steam when I posed this question and on re-reading it later I didn't feel it explained things clearly so was surprised that anyone at all took the time to respond. Thanks..I suppose I could have made clear that it hasn't been 'casual dating' - I know two months isn't long at all but we have spent a lot of time together - 4 nights out of 7 for the last few weeks he was here. (and this is definitely not an especially sexually oriented relationship - my libido exceeds his somewhat but it's been nice building up friendship together..) I perhaps should have also added that both of us have been badly hurt in the past and more than slightly cautious. To be frank, I'm also not 100% that he is 'the one' for me, so this is the main reason I've not asked any 'big' questions yet being unsure of my own feelings as I am.I'm aware of the difference in our characters but it is something we discussed early on together and he accused me of being 'fatalistic' when I suggested perhaps we were trying to put square pegs into round holes. I am certainly a communicator type , and he is really great when we're face to face but just not from a distance. . which what lies ahead, could and is problematic. I said we hadn't discussed the future but he did make one comment (which I chose not to inquire further about) that we should just spend time together and see what happens we he has to go. I'm not madly in love with him, but the thought of a LDR doesn't put me off too much either. We're only an hour apart by plane, it's reasonably affordable air fare.. I am also contemplating a four month trip overseas at the end of the year. I don't know yet how I would feel about being 'committed' to anyone when I do this, which is another factor that has prevented me from going ahead with the 'exclusivity' chat. However, we have spent so much time together that being with anyone else would absolutely feel like a betrayal, regardless of anything that has or has not been agreed between us on our status.I had the thought today after reading your responses that it doesn't matter what I do or don't say to him about "us" because what he feels about me already is what he feels for me and if he wants to be with someone else, or doesn't get in touch to see how I am, then it is simply because he doesn't care! No whiny email or text from me is going to change that.. So I decided to not phone/email and ask for clarification - preferring to wait out the rough spots and see how it goes naturally.10 minutes after this conclusion I received an incredibly nice, long text from him, explaining how busy he'd been and how much he enjoyed my last email etc etc, with a half dozen X's and O's at the end which is not typical of him but made me smile.Bottom line - it's a confusing situation as I think we both like each other a lot, but both enjoy our freedom and are more than a bit cautious to commit to such a tenuous circumstance. I feel like anything could happen, or nothing at all!Thanks again for all your input, gave much food for thought, especially yours Cindy. Cheers.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 May 2011):
You require communication, and he requires to be left in peace. How would you bridge this gap in communication needs in the future ?
A few texts and an e-mail in just 5 days , from a guy whom you are dating casually and met only 2 months ago, sounds more than enough to me. But I am not the one dating the engineer, you are . You told him already that you want more, and he is turning a deaf ear to your requests. If daily communication is really important to you, I think there 's already a massive hurdle in this relationship..
Unluckily, I don't think it's just a case of reducing your demands and learn to be content with less texts. I think the problem may be different, i.e. that you are assuming things. Assuming is always a dangerous thing. Ask and find out- people may have in mind very different plans from yours.
You two might be seeing your relationship differently and give it a different weight. You clearly see it like the beginning of something, leading to more, and you would not mind doing the LDR thing. But what about him ? He knows that in a few months he is relocating, maybe he sees your relationship as pleasant but temporary. LDRs are not for everybody and only work if people are so madly in love that they are committed to put a lot of effort in them, your guy does not seem to be at this stage, at least not yet. Maybe he " assumes " that you know that in a few months he is leaving , so you know that the relationship will end ,or become very casual.
So , stop " assuming " . Ask, and then take it from there.
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A
female
reader, Iamhappy +, writes (7 May 2011):
Okay, you both seem to like each other enough to share weekends away and be introduced to families too. Why can't you ask him where the relationship is going? I think we girls, we try and read too much into texts and emails, example - why has he only put one x??? We could talk this over and dissect it with our friends for hours!!I think that you know what you want from this guy and you want him to be with you, fair enough, most women would. However, you do not want a relationship built on resentment that he could not go to a job that he wants to do by his family. As you said, he may give up the engineering job, but he could still stay in Ireland to continue with his music. Although you seem to think he is cold, he is still in touch with you, although sporadically, therefore I would say that he likes you too.What are the chances you could go too - the only way is to ask him. At least you will know, but don't come over all serious, keep it light-hearted, you never know, he may have been waiting for you to ask!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2011): Call him for a chat and clarify things. You have been together for two months, met family and been intimate. So i think that gives you the right to a phone call! It's best to ask him if he's dating while in Spain, and check whether he plans to return to you and pick up where things left off. Explain you've been waiting on him a little and turning down invites because you aren't really sure whats going on. It's better to find out what's happening now, rather than to go on waiting for someone who you aren't sure about.
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