A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need advice as to whether I'm making the right decision by not pursuing a relationship with a friend of mine. I have known him since freshman year in high school. I'm about to start grad school this August. We've known each other for about 8 years now. He's a great guy. He's kind, responsible, mature, respectful, a gentleman, goofy, God-fearing, has a career, etc. Since the day we met he has wanted us to be together. He has patiently pursued me for these past 8 years; but he has also had his share of relationships. He's been a shoulder to cry on when I went through issues with horrible boyfriends and he's just been a buddy to me in general. The issue is that I just don't see him in a romantic way. I'm not even attracted to him. I cannot picture myself kissing him or being intimate with him. He's cute but not my type. Recently he has brought up the fact that if we dated he definitely wants to marry me and that he loves me, etc. I don't know if I want to be married to him. I love him but not in that way. My sister (who is married) says that I should consider dating him. That good guys are hard to come by and that I'm looking for something that probably doesn't exist. Love isn't always butterflies and fireworks. She says it's important to have a friendship because eventually in marriage the cute stuff fades away and that's what is left. So maybe it's better to start out more realistically. I don't know what to do. I've given chances before for us to see if things would work out but I just can't stay interested or get to an intimate point with him. I've had a 1st love before and I've been in love other times before and that's the feeling I'm looking for. It's deep and exciting and I want to be with that person, I have no problem with intimacy, I think about them all the time, I'm super happy around them...but with him I don't feel that way. I just feel like I'm hanging out with my friend. I just want to make sure I'm not looking at the situation from a shallow perspective. I'd really appreciate the help! Sorry this is so long!
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (10 June 2014):
I've been in the exact same situation with my guy friend I've known for 10 years, and he also kept holding a candle for me. I didn't know what to do because I liked him, but not in that way. At the same time I also knew romance doesn't work like in the movies, and that friendship is a big part of it. But when there's no attraction, it doesn't pay off to try. If you really can't see yourself getting intimate with him (and he's been your friend for 8 years, so it's not like there wasn't time for that attraction to develop) then I think you need to let him know that. It was the same for me.
I tried, I did. But I couldn't see him as anything other than a friend. So I told him. It was a tough conversation because I had to kill all hope that I might change my mind in the future.
In my case, it drove us apart a little. Which is logical, because he was in love with me and finding out it truly is one-sided is of course painful. Our friendship has improved again now he has a girlfriend.
Anyway, in short, follow your gut. I've had friendships develop into relationships, but there was always some attraction along the way that got me there. And when that doesn't happen in 8 years, it will never happen. That's my view on it though.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2014): "I'm not even attracted to him."
Then the answer is no. That's the one thing that makes the difference between romance and friendship.
You can't be in a romantic relationship with someone you're not attracted to no matter how much of a nice person they are.
OP you've already given chances at this and you couldn't stay interested nor reach a certain point of intimacy with him.
The only saving grace would have been awesome sex and for feelings to be ignited by that, as rare as that is it can be possible with great friends, but you can't even get to that with him so there's no point.
I was close friends with my wife for 2 years before we got together, neither of us were really each other's type and at 16 she was too young to even see her that way.
For us it just kind of built naturally into seeming like it was worth a shot at kissing her. When that happened it didn't feel weird or forced it felt like a relief and from doing that a little more regularly the sparks started to fly. We'd already been very affectionate and cosy with each other, we'd built a level of caring for each other that was more than just friends. But there were no sparks, no amazing feeling, no super happiness just complete comfort.
It wasn't until we started being intimate and started having regular sex did we get the floating on air thing.
OP you're looking for something that this guy can't give you and while a relationship with him may actually work and be something that in the long term would be awesome, you want the initial butterflies and mystery that comes with dating and he can't give that to you.
My wife didn't really care about any of that kind of stuff, because it's just the glow and excitement of early dating. She assumed, correctly, that there would be plenty of those moments just not all the time at the start.
For you that's important, and there's nothing wrong with that either. This guy represents settling down, you want have fun and date instead.
Do what feels right for you, date for you based on what you want.
It's probably time to settle this though for him and let him know he needs to stop waiting around for you and move on.
8 years is a long time to hang on to hope, you need to dash that hope and free him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2014): The worst thing you could ever do to him or to yourself, is to accept him under false pretenses. To force yourself to submit to a man you do not love is a lie. Your sister means well, and she gives good advice. I do think she has a point.
I don't advocate relationships built on convenience. I don't condone playing with the feelings of others for the sake of some unfair advantage, or under some attempt to manipulate their emotions. That is cruel.
You have given this much thought; and you say you're simply not attracted to him. You do love him only as a very dear friend. There is no obligation or responsibility to go beyond that.
He has taken it upon himself to take care of you regardless.
Some men do that, and they are usually the finest men you will ever know. Just as there are women who are caretakers; who go far beyond the call to see that the people they love receive loving-care; even if it isn't reciprocated. From the outside looking in, you'd think they're out of their minds. Fools.
Not all people are cut out for that. I'm a caregiver also. I have given of myself to help people, expecting nothing in return. I guess some of us were put here for that purpose.
The reward and benefits received are unspoken. We get a satisfaction of knowing that we give when no one else cares.
The appreciation received is sometimes enough. That, plus we sleep better knowing we were there for someone dear to us.
You are not being shallow, you are being honest. You haven't taken anything from him you don't deserve; and you have never lead him on. There is only one thing that concerns me. That he has held out so long; hoping that you will change your mind. He hopes his kindness and loyalty will somehow reach that part of your heart that he has kept open for you. That's a pretty heavy burden for you to carry for so long; knowing you can't feel what he wants you to feel.
Okay, I've looked at it from your point of view. Now humor me.
The other aunts and uncles will probably clobber me for this, and wonder what is going on in my head. I am going to suggest to you that you give this guy a date. Allow him the chance to see if there is even a remote possibility. Then he will be able to move on.
Warn him that you do not feel any romantic inclinations toward him; but you will indulge him just because he has been so wonderful to you. The point is to to see if anything awakens inside that you've never realized was there before. Allow yourself to view him through a different set of eyes. Not just someone you dump all your emotional baggage on. View him as a man.
It's just an experiment. You don't have to do this, if you think it will open a Pandora's Box. It is only a suggestion. I think he sees something in you; and you're afraid to let him in; because he doesn't fit your "type." So far, you haven't been successful with your "type."
Sometimes what we're looking for is right under our noses.
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