A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I have a little bit of a situation, pleasefor years now I have been out of relationships because basically I would meet only "bad guys" or really incompatible people. Recently I have met this younger guy and it seems like we really get along beautifully, he seems a really nice person, at the beginning I was worrying about age difference but he seems to have a lot of older friends so now I don't think that would be a problem. The problem is that, even if he is adorable, not shy, really good company and has a lovely face he is quite overweight and, I know this is superficial, but I just can't find him physically attractive. I would give anything to feel attracted to him, but it's just not happening. I have never been very demanding in the looks department, but this I just can't get over with. To be fair he is on a diet and doing lots of fitness, but I also feel very bad and superficial to think "ok, I will take you after you lose weight", but I don't know how to commend my instincts. My instincts are not attracted to him right now. This doesn't mean that I wouldn't do everything for him, but I just can't feel that physical attraction, and I would love to feel it because I really like him. Any suggestions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2014): It's kind of a hard situation, I think it would be cruel to tell him this but then on the other hand if you said it the right way it may help him, who knows. I think though if he is easily hurt, and most people would be by this, he will not feel the same about you anymore. There are women who will be fully attracted to him so maybe it is just best to say I'm not attracted to you that way and just keep a casual friendship if possible or just end it totally. If you married someone who is thin, and then they gained weight, would you then leave them? Some people would because they place that above everything. But it could be you are just not attracted to him period and weight loss would make no difference. I dated someone who was overweight and I also wasn't attracted to him, I don't think that was the only reason, but I never told him this, we eventually drifted apart, he married someone else and died a year later from a heart attack at only thirty years old. I heard about it from my friends by chance and they said his new wife had been cooking him all sorts of unhealthy food and he had gained more weight. I just kept thinking if he and I had married I would have been a better influence in eating a healthy diet, he still could have died but who knows, sometimes this happens to thin people also but it is much less likely depending on hereditary factors. This isn't just an issue of looks/attraction, being obese has severe health consequences too. One friend tends to gain/lose weight and also has addiction problems with alcohol, it is a vicious cycle that just keeps going on because he is capable of losing weight but then he just goes back to the same eating patterns especially when he is around his gf/friends. He is aware of the problem but some people don't acknowledge it probably in terms of health consequences at least. Our bodies are not designed to be obese. Denial is powerful. It is very hard to lose weight once you get to a certain age and or gain too much and even more if you have metabolic syndrome but people do it every day. The atkins diet is a good way to do it, but I think doing it slowly is the best because rapid weight loss isn't good and is rarely maintained. On the point of attraction, this can change over time. One of my bf was very tall and skinny, this is my type, but I wasn't attracted to him at first as more than a friend for some reason, and I remember thinking the first time he came over to take me out that he would never be my bf. He is a VERY attractive man, but for some reason I only saw flaws at first. On the other hand I have too often dated men who I had NO attraction to thinking it would happen over time and it never did.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs having periods of overweight myself, I agree completely that shaming just makes one want to stuff her face more :)
And I also agree that he deserves someone who loves him for just what he is, not for his "fit" potential. Also, sorry if I gave the impression of saying that overweight equals unattractive, up to a certain point weight has nothing to do with beauty, and probably someone else's overweight I wouldn't mind - it's rather the flabbiness that gets me :)
This said, it is also a fact that a percentage of people are just very selfish and don't care if their habits hurt their partner, and those are also the people who suffer less because of their weight because they are in total denial, and that is probably how chigirl's ex was like. Anyway, yes, if someone is overweight and happy with that, he/she deserves to find someone who shares that view.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2014): Chigirl, I know you are trying to help and I'm not sure how old you are or how much life experience you have ... But with all due respect as a mum of four and woman who had considerable professional and personal knowledge of the psychology of weight issues , and shaming someone does not motivate them to lose weight.It is highly highly unlikely that the OP telling him that his weight is the reason for no chemistry will ' inspire ' him to lose weight and practically zero likelihood if it resulting in a healthy outcome The only way overweight people manage to lose and maintain weight loss in a healthy way is when they are ready and supported through encouragement and POSiTIVE reinforcement Unfortunately many stereotypes in societies encourage the attitudes that fat people are weak or ignorant and just need to be told ! But believe me , No one knows better than an overweight person that they are overweight.Education is needed even more so for those that shame than the ones with the weight problem because most of them know what they need to be doing and just need encouragement and for the judgements to stop
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 July 2014):
 PS. I was tip toeing around my ex about his size and didn't really manage to bring it up during the time we were together, but I really wish I had. Because he honestly did not see how big he was, and was always excusing himself with this or that. Rather than facing the real problem. Lying just makes it more OK for him to ignore his health issue. He might just go on thinking he isn't actually that big, that his size doesn't matter, because NO ONE actually tells him it IS his size.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (20 July 2014):
So you should lie to him instead? That's just great. Pretend it's not "chemistry" when in fact the guy could have had a chance if he took care of his appearance. I think it's much better that he gets to hear the truth, rather than walking around and being lied to, made to believe it's not his weight, but something else. What great incentive for him to actually work on his weight if he gets direct feedback from a woman he likes, that it's not him, but his WEIGHT that is the problem. Because he can actually DO something about his weight. He can't do anything about "chemistry".
I think you're doing him a favour by being honest. He needs to hear it. You can't sugar coat it just because you're afraid to hurt his feelings. He's big, he knows it. It's not going to be a newsflash. He might guess it already, so better then to treat him with respect and be honest than to lie to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you, I agree there is no way that I can tell him: I don't like you because of your weight, even if he lost it he would hate me forever for saying that, and I would hate myself. Also, as someone else says, his looks also reflect an attitude, and probably it doesn't agree with my attitude towards things
Or maybe I will just like him so much that it doesn't count :)
anyway, all these comments are serious food for thought
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2014): Oh dear please whatever you do ... Do not follow the advice of the person who said to tell him that you are not attracted to him becuase of his weight and then move on thinking you would ever have another chance with him down the track if he does
As a person who was very overweight then went on to lose it all and also someone who had had over twenty years experiences working with people with weight issues abd 40 plus years of personal experience in this area , I can assure you that those of us who have struggled with our weight do not ever wish to be desired or wanted conditionally dependant on what the scales say
Either you want him and desire him or you don't , either the chemistry is there or it's not . If it's not there now ? Belueve me it won't be there when the weight goes ... And if it happens to be for you???? The feelings he had about you as a person are very unlikely to be
There is nothing wrong in not feeling it .. That's fine, but don't hurt the poor guy . Just tell him you don't feel the chemistry and move on. Let him find someone who desires him 100 percent and you do the same . You both deserve it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much for your well-thought comments, as the last comment says what bothers me is that he is not overweight because of a disease or something but because he made himself so, and if he thinks that he is OK like that, then there is nothing to do, he is not going to change. He is maybe 30 or more kilos overweight, and very unfit/soft with rolls of fat from his neck down :( Too bad because he is tall with large shoulders and a handsome face, but he comes from a traditional culture where it is acceptable for guys, especially older, to be even very overweight, it's even a sign of status, so I fear he doesn't see it as a problem. Where he lives now everyone is very fit so he will find some difficulties in being accepted the way he is :) but he wants to move to the US, where I understand overweight is pretty normal. So I guess I will wait to see how his fitness goes, and especially to understand how he views his body: if he hates it and wants to change, he has all my support, if he thinks after all that's not so bad, then there is nothing to do. In addiction, I myself have some health problems to manage that absolutely require a very healthy lifestyle, strict diet of simple organic food, and fitness as a regular part of my life, so it is really important to be in the company of people who will support and share this view, and having someone gorging himself with unhealthy food nearby won't help. I know all this thinking is kind of premature, but in the past I made mistakes because I didn't consider compatibility beforehand so this time I wanted to think ahead before even getting involved. We have met for maybe 5 or 6 times for a whole day in the last month, but yeah, can't say I know him really. It's because of a common project, but since the second time he wrote me that he really liked me and that's where I started to panic a bit, not knowing what to do.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (19 July 2014):
Like it has already been said... You're not superficial just because you have a preference. Being shallow is one thing, but having a sexual preference is another. Don't feel like you are shallow. We are attracted to the things we are attracted to, and it's not something you can change just because he's a nice guy with a great personality.
If I were you, I would simply tell him. "Dear John. I think you're a great guy, but sadly I can't feel a sexual attraction towards you because of your weight. I don't know if we'd make a good couple or not, but without the sexual attraction I can only see us as friends. I hope you understand. I know you are working on losing weight, and that's good for you and your health and I support that. Wish you all the best"
Don't sit around and wait for him to lose weight either, because it can take years. If it happens it happens. If he loses weight, and you are both still single, and you find him attractive, then you can try to get together with him then. But for now, he's not going to rock your boat.
Trust me, I was in the same place some years ago! A guy who I thought was great liked me as more than friends. He was (probably still is) overweight and if not obese, then on the brink of it. I thought I was being shallow for not being attracted to him, and that personality should matter the most. So I entered a relationship with him. But it wasn't any good, I never really got attracted to him, even thought we were in a relationship for over a year. It just didn't work. And it was near impossible to bring up his weight, because he didn't see himself as overweight and just continued to gain weight! It really became a problem, because he told me he was working out and eating healthy and trying to lose weight, but in reality he was drinking sodas often, eating candy, never worked out etc. It was all words, he always had excuses for why he should drink sugary drinks (oh, just for tonight, or just for the ride, just because it's vacation, just because it's been a long day etc etc)
Your guy may never actually lose weight. So don't go there until he's dropped the weight and you know he's serious about his health. It's not just the pure aesthetics either, I tell you. When I saw my ex eat all that junk food, and drink all those sodas, I started to resent him. Because he didn't care about looking good for me, he didn't care about losing weight even thought he told me he did. It was like he was showing it in my face everyday, how little he cared, and I resented him for it. Also, his size made it difficult for us to do normal activities that I enjoy. I couldn't go for walks with him, or hikes up a mountain. I couldn't go for a jog with him, he always had excuses. He did physical activities as little as possible, and it collided with my lifestyle. Although I am not at all a work-out maniac, I started to dislike him because he would just never participate in activities. His size was also a problem when it came to other things, like if we went to an amusement-park etc. You know, I just got tired of having to think about him as a "special case" in all things, rather than be able to act like a normal couple.
And it was embarrassing to have him over at my mothers house, because he would pour soooo much salt on his food, and my mom started to comment on how much he ate and how much salt he put on his food and how much syrup he put on pancakes, and should he even be having pancakes etc. There were so many comments.
I'm just saying, no, don't go there. If he's actually working on losing weight and living a healthier lifestyle, then you will see the results pretty soon and you can date him then. But for now, you're not attracted to him, and if he's not serious about changing his life style then I can promise you, his life style will NOT match yours and it will become a problem too.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 July 2014):
 Let him go. If there's absolutely no spark, absolutely no physical attraction, no matter how much you wish there was...this is not gong to end well. If you have to force yourself to make do somehow , to reward him for being such a great guy... you are going to end up resenting him and feeling vaguely swindled and short shrifted even if it was your conscious wlling choice to be together.
Listen to your body- the body has a different, but not minor, wisdom than the mind.
I'd like to precise that I am not encouraging you to be superfcial or obessed with looks like a justin Bieber fan. You are not supposed to say " Ooops, he's got a pimple- I am out of here ". But - without making looks THE parameter for choosing a mate, everybody has the right , I think, to a couple of physical dealbreakers. same as you would not choose any mate with absolutely any personality, any education, any interests, any values etc. just because he is a nice person in gneeral- the same applies for physical, it's called having tastes , preferences and standards, not being mean or fussy.
I also precise that it does not have to be a split second choice, you meet someone, sound interesting , the right person for you on pper... you take a LITTLE time ( not ages, poor guy, can't keep him waiting for months to see if he becomes more palatable ) to see if he grows on you, if you see him through different eyes once you know him better... but if it does not happen, and / or you feel deep down it's NOT going to happen- don't waste hs tme and yours.
Third thing I want to add- but that's a frivolous, semi -serious comment... and yet...: what the's point of having a fat, unsexy YOUNGER lover ?... Admittedly, part of the attraction in a younger man is his better physical shape, his sexual charisma, the ESTHETICAL satisfaction he gives you... which goes to compensate for their lesser life experience, maturity, sophistication, emotional ( and financial ) security, wisdom, social savvy etc... Who's ever heard of an UGLY cougar's cub ? :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2014): I don't think you can force yourself to be attracted to someone. If it isn't there it isn't. I can't tell you what to do. Only you can decide. Maybe just keep encouraging him in his pursuit to lose weight and you will grow to be attracted to him since you like him a lot. Who knows what will come out of it. Otherwise you can just be friends and have that. Lately I have no attraction to anyone, even attractive people.
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