A
female
age
41-50,
*alisa14
writes:I have been with my husband for five years, married for two of them. He is usually helpful, polite, funny and affectionate. In the last three years, there have been outbursts that made no sense. In the first one, he started an argument when we were about to shop for a new dress for me to be married in. We ended up going home because I didn't feel like shopping after that. The second time, we were having a disagreement. I felt that things were escalating so I walked away from him. He started slamming cabinet doors in a way that frightened me. The third time, he started a quarrel about me refusing to watch a show with him because I didn't care for it. This time he swore at me and punched the bed a few times. I was upset enough to cry. I told him that if he couldn't control himself I wouldn't feel safe to continue this marriage. Although it rarely happens, it does happen. My friends say that he may have just been having a bad day those three times, but I am not sure when it is cause for concern, or when it is definitely a deal breaker. He has never hit me or acted aggressively towards me or anyone else. He even hates violence. Was he just frustrated or having a bad day, or is the beginning of emotional abuse? Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2019): I am extremely pleased that things worked-out for you and your husband. You had to take all the necessary steps to let him know that you weren't going to allow yourself to be victimized or the target of his rage. I think you handled everything superbly!
God bless you both!
A
female
reader, kalisa14 +, writes (6 June 2019):
kalisa14 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I know that it has been a few years since I posted my question1 But I would just like to provide and update. We have both had marriage counseling, and have moved to a different area where hubby has a low stress job (the other one was destroying him, little by little.) I couldn't see that at the time, because I feared he was turning abusive. He has not behaved in that fashion again since my post, and we are a lot closer as a couple now. I really felt that the answers that I got were extremely helpful, and I want to thank all who replied, especially WiseOwlE!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2014): I have been married for 25 years and i have just taken my husband to court for assault. He started off like your husband but got worse and worse.He started smashing house up i forgave him.Then he beat my brother up i forgave him.Then he accused me time and time again of having affairs i forgave him . Then he beat me and tried to strangle me now i wish i left years ago all the time putting up with the abuse for it to end like that. Please think hard mine got worse over time i kept thinking its not that bad and look how it ended think of your self first.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2014): Your safety is all that matters. If he can't control his temper; then he places it your hands to do it for him.
I'm glad you've made arrangements for any future outbursts.
You've done something about it. Now it's his turn, if he values his marriage.
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A
female
reader, kalisa14 +, writes (19 July 2014):
kalisa14 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst, thanks for all the cool replies! I'd like to say that I called the local domestic violence shelter the next day while he was at work. I had a good talk with a counselor there, and she gave me some advice on what to do if it happens again. I am to call 911 and they will get me to the shelter if need be. I did have a talk with my husband the next day, and let him know that such behavior was a deal breaker and that if I couldn't feel safe in my own home, I would have to take steps. I didn't tell him about talking to the shelter. And @ WiseOwle, I am always telling him about my day or how I feel about things, and inviting responses. When he first started the unpleasant scene, my first response was to ask what was wrong. I tried to be supportive but he chose to take whatever it was out on me, instead of talking about what he was stressed about. He is having a stressful time in the workplace. He is an underachiever at best and is probably feeling it now, because we are having a rough time making ends meet. But I hope I have made it clear that I will have zero tolerance for that behavior. Maybe it will take a visit from the police to make him see it. I hope it doesn't come to that.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 July 2014):
 My bet is he is suffering from depression which manifests itself in the kind of ourburst you describe. Seek help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2014): I don't know when having a bad day became an excuse for taking your anger out on your partner, wife, or husband.
I've have those days when it "seems" everything is going wrong, and you just can't catch a break. That does not lead to violent outbreaks of rage. That's a person about to snap.
People under tremendous stress often behave like your husband. My partner was an attorney, and I could tell when he was stressed-out. He would be short-tempered, petty, and caustic. He needed an outlet; but he was too driven to know when the hell to step away from his job. He needed time to relax, and take a load off. He needed to detach from the heavy thinking and intense analysis required to do his job. The relentless demand of his job, combined with a very alpha-male personality, was a lot to deal with.
He was quite ambitious. He often accused me of being "too passive." I told him that was the self-discipline that I was taught to have all my life. I'm not toilet paper, and you will not use me for an ass-wipe. I get angry like anyone else when pushed to the limit, but hitting things and slamming things is too aggressive. I admit, I do slam doors, or display anger. Not to intimidate. Just for dramatic-effect. I've wanted to punch a wall. I just don't. I was taught restraint and discipline from a child, and when I served in the military. So it's part of my conditioning. I'm no pushover. Buddy-boy was soon taught to get a grip.
I had to often call him down off his high horses and remind him he was at home; and not in a courtroom, or in a bar-brawl. The sarcasm, cutting remarks, and snapping at me. I confess that I sometimes got on his nerves, but I didn't feel it warranted verbal-abuse. I just didn't put up with it. I can be pretty easy-going. Maybe "passive;" but that doesn't mean I'll let anyone steamroll over me. I set a limit to that madness. I had to take direct action. He showed me that's what it took.
He would vent his frustrations on me by hurtful criticism, or snarky remarks he knew got under my skin. We were together much longer than you, but over-time I began to see a pattern in this behavior. So, I learned how to tame the beast. Or he would be out on his ass!
Men tend to bottle-up emotions and pretend they can handle anything.
We take it on the chin when a boss takes a stab at our ego, or sometimes we feel too much competition at work. Sometimes, unintentionally; spouses expect their mates to have all the answers, and to fix everything that goes wrong. Being too dependent, can wear a person down to a stub. It eats at their psychological core. Sometimes needy people put all their burdens on the backs of their mates. Men often feel that's our job. To protect and carry all the heavy-weight. Tackle any resistance and overcome all the obstacles.
As his spouse, you have to be sure you're sharing that burden. That's part of the partnership. I learned this was necessary to bring my mate back to his sense of calm and peace. We talked about it. I let him know he didn't have to carry the world on his shoulders. I'd help. I'd rather he tell me when I was getting on his nerves, not hold it in until he got so pissed-off he snapped and he yelled at me. No tears here. I held my own.
Some guys take on too many challenges at once; and can't admit when they've bitten off more than they can chew.
They may want something, like a promotion or recognition for an achievement. Being overlooked is a blow to our egos.
Some guys vent their frustrations and disappointment with themselves on their wives, girlfriends, kids, friends, family, and boyfriends. That's going way too far!
I realized that sometimes you have to ask them straight-out how the job is going; and if they're handling it all okay.
Make discussing your personal-trials and tribulations a way to be transparent and alleviate stress. Don't expect him to admit it, you have to pull it out of him a little at a time. Don't press; but don't tip on eggshells either. Men are supposed to take on the world, and show no signs of weakness.
This macho-crap can build up a lot of stress and agitation. Turning their anger on their mates. When his tantrums were over. Later on, you didn't directly address the issue and ask him what brought on such a display. You didn't make it a point to let him know how it effected you and how much you didn't like it. You should have. Don't let him turn it around on you. Never push someone's buttons; then get whiny and screechy. That is like being a fly buzzing in someone's ear when they're sleeping. It raises the anger to a fever-pitch. Know when to back-off. Never intentionally provoke anger passive-aggressively. That's abusive also.
I don't like being anyone's whipping post, and I don't stand for outbursts without an explanation. When my mate lost his temper, I waited until it he cooled off. I dismissed his apologies until we talked about what was going on. I insisted on knowing what he was going through. If he doesn't vent his frustrations, they will turn to anger. It will be released on you! You have to be his release-valve, not his punching bag.
Punching the bed my dear, is aggressive behavior. Slamming inanimate objects, and making noises with the intention to intimidate, is a very primal and highly provocative display of rage. I wouldn't allow disagreements to reach that level without a later discussion; because I wanted to know exactly why he behaved so angrily. I was calm and not upset when we talked about it. That lowers tension.
It usually takes a number of things building up to reach the boiling-point. Although, he may have been hiding a very nasty temper from you for a very long time.
I've often written in responses to OP's that people can hide their true-colors for many years. They learn how to suppress their dark-side; because they know that it is likely if they didn't, they would be exposed for who they really are. They could lose the person they know loves them the most. It is hard to put on that facade forever. It finally comes to the surface.
I say this because reacting to stress for some men can be pretty nasty; and sometimes it's stress that finally brings out their true nature. The beast comes out. He should never under any circumstances frighten you. Never. Yes, I myself have witness my mate throwing expensive art pieces or shouting. I put a stop to it. If you don't, you will probably be hit. I felt it was coming to that at one point myself; so I did something about it.
I loved him very dearly, but there was no way I was going to put up with the aggressive behavior. Nor should you. I was a little scared, but I'm another guy. I can take care of myself. It's different for you. I don't take kindly to men who show aggression toward women, kids, or older people. Nor other men not looking for a fight. That's bullying. Using the threat of violence to gain control through intimidation and chest-thumping.
You need to seriously address and discuss his outbursts. They should not be dismissed. It could be very dangerous to be caught off-guard when he flies off the handle. He could hurt you! That's wrong even if it was unintentional. That's usually how abuse starts.
Nip it in the bud. Address and hand him the ultimatum that he has to let you know when he's under stress; or he will have to get anger-management therapy.
Let him know that you're not sticking around to catch the heat when he loses it. You should not tolerate it. Leave him and stay with your parents when he goes off on you like that. I did know when to back-down when I felt our arguments getting out of hand. However; I dealt with the issues that caused the argument. That is because I can't live afraid of the man I cared so much for.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 July 2014):
 Having a bad day, is having a bad day, you tell your spouse; "Honey today sucked I'm sorry if I'm not good company..." YOU do not HIT stuff or scare your spouse.
What I think you NEED to do is ask him WTF is up. And don't do it when he is upset/abusive, but when he is not in one of those "moods".
You write :
"I told him that if he couldn't control himself I wouldn't feel safe to continue this marriage."
You can SAY that til you are blue in the face, unless you BACK UP your threats/ultimatums they are worthless.
Are you renewing your vows?
If so, maybe that would be a PERFECT timing to talk to your pastor/priest about the marriage IF you feel like you need a mediator, but don't spring it on your husband. TALK to him.
You have been with him for 5 years, so what has changed? Financial situation OK? Is his job is danger? Did he get passed over for promotion? Homefront OK part from these outbursts?
I don't think people all of a sudden become abusive. I think EVERYONE has the potential, but MOST of us do not cross that line. So I think you need to talk to him about this. WHY he crossed that line.
And if this is a dealbreaker for you (would be for me) then you need to BACK it up with action. Such as... if he does it again, YOU leave. And you do NOT come back until he has gone into some kind of therapy, be it anger management or some other in depth counseling.
Get a punching bag, hang it in the garage, tell him if he gets really pissed of, THAT is an acceptable outlet. NOT you.
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