A
female
age
41-50,
*needtoknow
writes:*OP's own title* Ok, here is my dilemma: My boyfriend of 3 months and I are very happy together. The relationship is sound and we are on the same wavelenght. Some facts about him; He is 47, lives with his parents (!)never married but, has a 5 year old from his last relationship. That lasted 6 years, she got pregnant (she pricked the condom, she confessed) during one of those encounters we have with our exes sometimes. They were no longer a couple when she got pregnant and never got back together. They are parents and that is all. When I met him 2 things turned me off: the living with his parents at 47 part and the fact that he visits his ex's place twice a week and hangs out there with his little girl.Anyway. A few weeks ago we were talking and, I am not sure how we got to the subject, but he said that should I ever bump into him, his little girl and her mom (say, at a McDonald's stop after a doctor's appointment. By the way, it striked me as normal that both would take the little girl to the doctor and then stop at McD's upon the child's request) I would have - and I quote - "observe" them or say hi as if I were his friend. Basically, that he wouldn't introduce me as his girlfriend to the mother of his child. I nearly fell off my chair and told him that, should I be treated like that, he would never see me again. He started trying to explain: is his ex found out he had a GF, she would make a scene right there; she would seek "revenge," not allow him to see his kid; he knows her, he said; she would not like it one bit and she would use the little girl to get back at him. I asked him what his grand plan was. Was it for her to be told about me while on our way to the altar, if this ever happened? How was I suppoused to meet his little girl then? He really had no plan. He said that, well, when and if we got to that point (and I agree with the when and if, we have only been together 3 months) then she (ex) would just have to deal with it. He asked me not to pressure him, said he doesn't want to lose me but that if push came to shove with his ex, he would have to let go of me. He said that it had nothing to do with having feelings for her, that there is no reason whatsoever for me to worry about something happening between them; that is had to do only with his daughter.I couldn't believe this. I told him that if the above mentioned McD's scenario ever took place, we would never survive it; I wanted him to have peace but on on account of my dignity. We didn't discuss any further.Since then I have been angry and need some answers, some advice. I honestly do not care that she doesn't know about me, I don't think he has to give her a play-by-play of his life, it's that should the ocassion arise I refuse to pretend I am not the woman by his side. Anyway, I am angry and don't know what to do, if anything. How do I handle this? Or do I handle this? I believe as long as he thinks like this, as long as he fears her, I will not meet his daughter and our relationship won't progress. ( I can't exactly meet his daughter on the way to church, if you know what I mean.) can someone please tell me what kind of person he is? What does this say about him and how he views our relationship? Should I set a mental deadline for this (the not meeting his kid because that would mean his ex knowing about me part) to end?As a side note, I have not yet met his parents. (I have met 2 of his 3 siblings by accident, in social settings.) I asked him why and he said there just hasb't been a family gathering for us to attend. I asked why I always hear stories of his ex and him having lunch at his parents, etc. and he said everything was different before his mother became ill - terminally so - with a terrible combination of Parkinsons and something else. A few weeks ago I came right out and said, "I would like to meet your family, why don't you set something up? At my place, anywhere." He said he would arrange it, but nothing yet.Somebody please shine a light on me. Everything about what he says/does tells me he is committed to making this work and happy and in love. I am 35 (went to college, have a great paying job; I am independent and educated; I like to think I am attractive, femenine and funny. I just want to paint a picture of a nice girl that's not sore on the eyes or the ears),so no spring chicken when it comes to relationships; I am confident I can smell a rat a mile away. What am I missing? I have never dated a man with children, divorced or unmarried, this is new ground for me.I would really like to hear your thoughts on this.Thank you.Alex
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): Hello Alex.
Three months doesnt sound very long but its a quarter of a year. Looking at it like that, an introduction to his parents at the least would be normal by now. Failing anything being "wrong" with you, i cant understand why he would be keeping you under wraps like this. It does sound very odd and thats because it is! Somethings not right.
I have a suspicion he is still having a relationship of sorts with his ex partner. That would explain why he wants you to pretend to be a friend if you ever see them out together. If this is the case he will be very worried about her finding out about you.
If they parted company many years ago, why would she get upset if he is dating? Surely she would expect him to be after all this time. No. Something is wrong there.
If you have deep feelings for him and want to get to the truth then talk to him and be straight with him. Dont worry about upsetting his feelings. I think he is using you and has no regard for your feelings at all.
You need to get to the bottom of this quickly or you could end up being hurt. His behaviour is that of a man still having sex with his ex partner. If he talks about ending thing with you for the sake of seeing his daughter, brush that veiled threat aside. He can always see his daughter. His ex cant stop him. Hes not worried about that anyway, hes worried about upsetting his "ex". Good luck.
A
female
reader, jkobeska  +, writes (30 March 2010):
Hmmm the whole "pretend we are friends" thing would also be too much for me I mean that would just make you feel like the other women which I'm not sure your not. When you met his family did he introduce you as his girlfriend? Have you never been to his place then since he lives with his parents. That sounds very odd. Does he talk about this women?
From personal experience I would just get out now. Being that old and living at home is not normal. Also, you will never be number one with a man that has a child from another woman. It is called custody and he can not just have it taken away because this women is mad her baby daddy is moving on. If she is a decent mother she would know that would only hurt the child.
For him to think well what if she sees me with my baby momma and to plot about what to do.. thats just weird. That's not honest and it isn't fair to you. That makes me think he is up to no good.
I mean really 5 years since they have been together and she can't know he is having a relationship? That doesn't strike you as odd? It sounds to me this man can not be trusted and that makes him worthless.
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