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anonymous
writes: I am in love with a man 20 years older than me. He feels the same, but we're both worried what will happen in 10 years when I'm still young enough to go out and be a party animal and he will be considered an old man. Should we move forward to a relationship or nip it in the bud now and save us getting hurt in the future? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2012): I am 20 years old and I have very strong feelings for a 42 year old, I worry about the issue of where things will be 10 years from now but me and him have a mutual understanding. We know we will never be in a serious relationship for various of reasons but we have a bond and we love to spend time with eachother and we both enjoy the sexual attachment so with that said dont worry about 10 years from now becus tmw isnt promised to anyone. Enjoy your life and the time you do have with him.
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male
reader, fnkydrmmr  +, writes (5 March 2010):
You started with, "I am in love with a man 20 years older...". If you're worried about still being a party animal in 10 years as some threat to your love, then your definition of love is pretty fickle.
Second, people age differently according to their habits. I have friends who are in their 30's who look like they're in their 50's because they've abused their bodies with alcohol. I've never been a drinker and I stay in shape. Hate the taste. I too, am 40 and still get carded. My oldest girlfriend in the past 10 years has been 24.
Last, look at John Paul Jones (you can look up "Them Crooked Vultures" on youtube) who's 62, playing bass and grooving out with one of the best hard rock bands on the planet. The kids in the audience are anywhere from 18 to 25 and they don't give a hoot how old he is because the music is good.
If the music's good between you, then neither should you. If you still plan to "party" when you hit 30, and this is the main point of your concern, then you have no business being in any serious relationship with anyone, no matter what their age.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2008): If you really love him and know he is the right one for you, then it shouldn't be such an issue for you. so what if he is 20years older? as long as the inside of the guys don't change dont end it because of the age differance. if you feel that you want to end it because your worried about the future then thats not love.
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reader, xsugahx  +, writes (5 August 2008):
I myself am dating a man who's twenty years older than me. Im twenty, and hes forty.
We both live together, and both our families know about our relationship and didn't mind at all.
The problem is though that he's divorced and has a child from his previous marriage. I want to have my own family with him, i love his daughter as if she was my own. But want us to have some children together.
He says he would love to get married to me, and start a new family.
But the issue is that we dont have a sex life, we never have since we first started dating. We do foreplay, but we have never had proper sexual intercourse.
When i met him he hadn't had sex in over a year, he said that he got comfy like that. And now he panics when were about to have sex, he says its not because of the age gap, but he puts too much pressure on himself because he doesn't want to dissapoint me. I'm always telling him that i dont care, and i love to just cuddle up on the sofa with him.
The other problem is that i have a very busy career life, building it up, and working ridiculous hours.
Its causing so much stress on our relationship that he keeps saying that we should end it, as he thinks am not happy, and that he wants me to be happy.
Infact that is why i'm on here, as i've tried all different conversations of dealing with this but nothing never works. and now hes on about ending it, and i dont think i can go through the heartache of explaining that it dont matter when it does.
It always happens about an hour or so before i go to work as well, is it just so much pressure for me to deal with?
I mean i do trully love him, but theres so many complications i just dont know what to do anymore
please help
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008): I personally do think age matters. There are many factors to why it does. I have been talking to this guy who is 20 years older than i am. we get along great and we have so much in common.The problem is that we both know that there is no future in between us. He already has a profession and i am still in college. What would my friends and family think if i started dating him? They would think i am nuts. SOmetimes your judgement can not be accurate and we make decisions without realizing the consequenses, it is up to our family and friends to tell us what is right and wrong during certain situations like this. Trust me you will be happier finding a man who you truly can share everything with including all the fun and exciting things, otherwise you will just miss living the life you love and end up regreting for your decisions. Of course, it is just my opinion, who knows maybe the 20 years older guy could be your soul mate
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): hey
I, myself, have been in a variety of relationships with ppl my age (20-31), I am 22. and it truly didnt work. I have seen a lot more than a 22 year old would normally in Western Europe and grew up very fast. the guys my age, for me, are boys not men. i cannot find compatability, like enjoying being outside, cooking, talking, romance, laughter, hiking, camping, fishing, etc. i want someone who will be there for me and none of those boys were, none of them were MEN.
recently i met a man who is 46, he is divorced and has kids, but we fell madly in love, and we are so happy together. he told me, "you deserve more, a brighter future with your life ahead of you". but i chose him. we managed to talk about the future, like i want kids but not now, and where will this go, etc. and we mutually said...lets take life one day at a time, love each other, be together, and we will cross each hurdle only as it comes.
stop thinking ten yrs from now, think today. you love each other? respect each other? laugh and care about each other? have passion and attraction? if all those are a yes, stop thinking of ten yrs from now, cherish each other, love each other, drink in real love. because believe me, when i met the man i am with, its like he opened up a flood gate. it felt like i was finally getting a drink of water while trekking through the sahara. we are both happy, and tomorrow will come tomorrow, cross each bridge as you come to it.
xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): well the same can happen with a young guy. I't's really about vanity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): i dont think age should matter as long as you both love each other. there are always going to be hurdles in a relationship such as on likes this the other doesnt. thats when a compromise is made. i would say go for it stay together be happy together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): hi,Our age difference is 25 years. He is 53. Our compatibility is perfect. we've been together 4 years now and are also polyamorous. He has another partner, who knows about us. His daughter with her, is my closest friend. More than anything, we are now facing unique problems. i dont know if im going to be able to tide over them this time. im in a wonder if im going to miss the boat or something. i dont know why this thought comes thru my mind now...after these many years of understanding? May be im beginning to have needs i didnt have before. and his presence in my life wouldnt allow others to enter, even though our relationship is such, that we have the freedom to have other partners. Well... Its tough. But i would like to say something at this point, to myself and to you all... Its only because we are having a 'not the so called normal' relationship that we are wondering like this. Look around us... we are going to find people facing the same problems even with the 'same age' thing, married (we are a live in couple), or those with so many years of togetherness...and still lacking compatibility even on thier breakfast table. So i agree with what one of the person who anserwed said, enjoy it till it lasts... Thinking of the future will definitely make it tough... even if you were to think of your future with a same aged partner... 'what if he/she will die or what if i have children with this person and he/she will leave us and go tomoorow...' rather not marry or have children...??????? Sorry for being the one to say this... but well, life is full of good days and not so good days... enjoy them...!! Love for all
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2007): My boyfriend raises this question to me. Im not worried in the least bit. I am 20 and he will be 40 soon. I LOVE our relationship. We have many many things in common, even though he has much more life expierences than i. He is very handsome and doesnt look his age. I grew up very fast and have been told i am very mature for my age. Hes established in his life and we both want the same things in the future. We have the most romantic amazing dates once or twice a week, and enjoy everything we do together. He knows how to treat me, and he is truely the only person that has ever loved me. He makes it a point every day to ask me what can i do to make you fall in love with me today. We want more kids, and we are buying a house together and getting married soon. I love being a stay at home mom with my 3 year old and plan on going back to school. our lives just seem to mesh very well. The only thing that bothers me is how much he works, and is out of town. Its very hard bc i wish we could be together every night, but it makes the time we do share together even better. I haven't met his exwife yet who he has a 7 year old daughter with. I think that is the biggest obstical i have to over come right now. When we go out together everyone stares at us. it doesn't bother us bc the men wish they were him and the woman are just jealous. Older woman dont like to see a 20 year old with an older man. First wifes... dont seem to like second wifes to well. :) lol. oh well. We have amazing chemistry, and the best sex life we could ever ask for. He is not jealous and knows i have a lot to growing up to do still. Im going to make mistakes but he doesn't want to stop me from being the person i am supposed to be, bc he fears i would resent him for that later. He fears after 3 or 4 more kids, and i have had everything i ever wanted and been everywhere i wanted to go than im going to get bored or something and stray, and end up breaking his heart and hurting our kids. I think that is a reasonable fear seeing how young i am, but i have pretty much got all of my parting out of my system, and am ready for the furture we both see ourselves in. As long as you have the same values, dreams, chemistry, and love eachother inside and out i dont see a problem dating an older man. Age does not define the person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2007): I am dating somone who is 22 years older than me for a year now. We've talked about what will happen down the road and how things might turn out but for now I'm the happiest i've ever been and we're madly in love. I'm very skeptical when it comes to love and I can't imagine being happier with anyone else. I am nothing but happy. My only problem is that it's a secret relationship. I'm sure everyone knows even though we hide it, because everyone has asked at one point. I'm not the lying type either but he's going through a divorce and that's why we decided to keep it secret for a while, i just wish i could tell everyone how happy i am and sooo in love. My brother is the biggest problem though he won't leave me alone about "why i don't have a boyfriend?" And has already made it clear he would be disapointed if he "knew" the truth. What i need help with is figuring out how to tell him and defend myself. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2007): Hey, I am in the same situation, my guy is 20 years older than I am and he looks great, he works out and hes very successful, I'm attracted to him , I am happy with him, but we both know realistically this can't last. I wont have much in common with his friends, hell want kids sooner than I do, so we we both accepted that well enjoy each other until it is time to move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): I am 25 years old, dating a 45 year old man. We love each other very much - but I often worry about the same thing. Funny, I have spent the last hour reading blogs and websites, looking for clarity. I get the typical "who cares if you love each other" and the "oh god, it won't work." Can anyone shed light with their own personal experiences?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2005): I am 42 now and my husband is 65...We've been married 2 yesrs and have had nothing but trouble since we married...It was wonderful when we were just dating...After marraige he became very possessive...The age differenbce has made it harder than I thought it would...
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reader, Wildberries +, writes (24 May 2005):
Re thinking that is a good idea. When you are 40 and he is 60, how do you feel about dinner a the seniors club?! I speak with insider information. My Dad did this. It was great at first; she can't stand him now. But then he is a grumpy old man. She, on the other hand, is still out there living and working and avoiding the "grumpy old man".
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reader, sexystu +, writes (29 April 2005):
Just wait till you have his wrinkly skin rubbing all over your body. That's when you will realise you made a huge mistake.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (29 April 2005):
 Relationships with such a vast age difference can work, but they require a very special bond and an exceptional level of common interest.The first thing to do is to imagine that your relationship consists of everything you do together... but zero sexual contact. Because age-gap relationships are often centred around the great sex that each party has, it's easy to lose sight of the *other* things that are important. What else do you do together? How do your lives mesh? What interests do you share? What things do you discuss? What futures do you envision, separately and together? In other words, if you totally subtracted the sex, how much do you have in common?Maybe it's heaps. Maybe you really are soul-mates, born 20 years apart. It's happened. And if so, there's your answer. If you have that much in common that you can see yourself as a 40-year-old woman at the peak of your professional career, happily coupled up with a man who's 60, then go for it.But there are other issues, and the other person who answered pointed out one. When you're 30 and he's 50, you're still going to be young and attractive, while he'll be getting past his prime. He might be jealous of the attention you attract. It's something you have to consider.I think the realistic thing to do is to concede that it's unlikely your relationship will make it and for you both to date other people. There's no rule that says you can't rediscover each other at a later time and find out whether the bond is still there. Just don't get too exclusive when you're still young. Get out there and try meeting other guys, closer in age to you. After all, if you're destined to be together, you can be.Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2005): NO. It's bad news. He'll always think you're messing around on him.
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