A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello all!Ok here it goes... Well i need/want to break up with my GF of 4years. I dont hate her or anything, its just that im not ready to spend my life with 1 person yet and she was my first GF. I have been getting alot of feelings lately like how i want to date another girl, and i tend to flirt often now! I feel that it will always be this way and become too much to the point where i might cheat on her.I know it sounds like a easy thing to do(break up with her) but heres why its so hard. She is MADLY in love with me, she tells me often that shes gonna marry me, how she wouldnt know what to do without me, and she dosent think she could find anyone better than me. I care for her as well and really dont want to hurt her, and her tears make me weak and guilty. But i NEED to do it.What should i do, and how should i do it? Thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): If the reason you want to break up with her is simply because you want to flirt with other girls, then perhaps you should suggest a 'break' or some 'space' or suggest spending a bit more time with friends rather than breaking up? .....rather than dumping a long term girlfriend for a fantasy that might not come true. I see what the other female responders are saying but the reply from the male responder kind of resonated with me too. It's a tricky one. Why do you so desperately NEED to do this? Is it because you are young and feeling a bit trapped by all this talk of marriage? If your girlfriend didn't talk about marriage and was more 'go with the flow' about your relationship would that help? Maybe she doesn't mean to be needy and maybe if she realised how you were feeling she would give you some space so you'd still have each other but be able to experience the freedom of being young and a bit more free. That sounds like a good compromise to me. You could discuss it with her? If your girlfriend hasn't actually done anything wrong and you've just got itchy feet cos you are young you may want to experience single life for a while but you are taking a gamble. I suspect it is your age, not the girl per sae, that has got you feeling like this. I don't envy you and I really feel for your girlfriend. You seem to have a friend and lover for life in her and you may well live to regret it but that is part of life's growth process I suppose. You may well find she meets someone else and you end up on your own out in the dating minefield, so I'd tread a BIT carefully here (forgive me if I'm talking out of turn, other aunts and feel free to comment back). Maybe you don't have to take such a drastic move as dumping her without first seriously considering your position but if you decide you definitely do need to this and you do go ahead with it, there's good advice re how to handle it from the other aunts below. I agree it is not good to string her along indefinitely if you are not sure but I've often found a 'break' or some 'space' (apols for the cliched expressions) can work wonders cos you can find out during that time what you really need/want. I suppose it is better to be going through this now than when you are older and have children etc .. Anyway I'm going to stop rambling on (old people tend to do this!!!). Good luck x
A
female
reader, avie  +, writes (16 February 2008):
all i can say to this is if you break up with her do it NOW . you will break her heart but if she is a strong woman she will get over it and carry on in life .you will feel guilty and so you should for the simple reason you left her
however life goes on and if this is your feelings better to do it now than wait till there is children involved .never stay with someone because you feel sorry for them it never works .
i hope you find what your looking for out there and wish you both all the luck in the world
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A
female
reader, velvetluv21 +, writes (16 February 2008):
There is no easy way out of this one. I was that girl once and I literally almost killed myself because he was my whole world and that was the problem. You can do this one of 2 ways.... either just bite the bullet and leave or start to see her less and less, forcing her to form her own life. When she finds that she won't be as alone as she thought she would be or better yet, realize the world that is out there, it will become easier on her too. If you choose to back away slowly, don't have sex at all and avoid any affection. It gives us false hope and will make the ending worse.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 February 2008):
 At one point in time, I probably said the exact same things to a boyfriend. (This would be 30 years ago, so my memory might be a bit foggy, but I'm pretty sure this happened.) Good news, I got over it, obviously. Bad news, I don't remember his name....
Good for you for being honest about your needs/wants and being sensitive to her feelings. Seriously, this is a really good quality and should be honored!
The bad news is that it won't be easy or pretty in the short term. There will be lots of tears and you will be made to feel guilty about this. From what you've said, there's going to be no way to avoid this. Breaking up is never a clean, tidy operation.
It will be a learning experience for you both, I'm afraid to report. But you should both survive the experience!
If you want to make it as comfortable as it could ever be for her, you're going to have to set up the break up scene. Make sure that it's in a private place -- don't do it in a restaurant or club. Also, don't let it be the end of a romantically themed evening! Call her and say you need to talk with her, that may be enough of a cue for her to get ready. It would probably be easier for her if she didn't have to drive or travel somewhere afterwards. Does she live alone or with family or a roomate? Take this into consideration.
Then, when you've got her alone in a quiet place, tell her that "im not ready to spend my life with 1 person yet" and "I dont hate you or anything" (recognize your words? just be honest with her, that's the best you can do...) "I care for you as well and really dont want to hurt you," but I'm too young still to make a real commitment.
"I want to date other people, and I'm sorry that this hurts you, but I have to break up with you." Don't string her along or give her hope. Be as gentle as you can be, but leave as soon as you can. She'll want to cry, let her for a little bit, if you can stand it, on your shoulder, then be firm and say, "I'm sorry if this hurts you, I really am, but I'm not ready to be in an exclusive relationship. Sorry." The trite phrase "it's not you, it's me, I'm just not ready" actually isn't that bad at this point!
And that's it. You'll feel guilty for a while and you'll probably get a lot of phone calls and eventually it will just fade away. I know it's hard to take advice from old people, but you know, we've been through most of the s**t you're facing and we survived.
Do not show up the next day and flaunt a new girl friend, though please, if you want to keep any credibility with me or your friends! And don't be too surprised when she gets a new boyfriend....
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A
male
reader, Athaliaorg +, writes (16 February 2008):
You are both wrong about two things; She will probably get a guy far much better than you! and you will most likely live to regret the day you gave up a woman that loves you for you! You want to give up 4yrs because of feelings and urges. Son, I will be blunt with you so you wake up soon before you mess yourself up. All you are feeling is th desire for sex with new and different girls. You want to do what you see in the music videos and tv shows. Its natural and all part of your hormonal blow ups. You may not even know this yourself but I can sense that you love this girl and do not really want yo leave her. I know all this because of the very weak and childish reason you gave and the way you worded it. On the other hand I will say to you go ahead and leave her; go and try the other girls you seem so eager to follow. that is the only way young men ever learn how to value a woman propely, by loosing one! take care son try and handle this part of your life with care, a good woman wil make you a great man but a bad woman will have you crowned with thorns
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