A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for quite some years and I didn't ask about her past. But it came up. I told her that it was before me and it should not matter. Sooner or later it would come up, she has had numerous sexual partners in 3 years and none of them she loved and none of them were a real relationship.I feel like it shouldn't bother me as I'm the one she chose. But in the back of my head, it lingers. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
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male
reader, heynow1963 +, writes (27 June 2011):
It only bothers me because soo many men know she was easy from personal exp or from their friends pers exp, cause I love her sooooo much it sucks to know they know she was an easy lay. Then the images of her with them in her just like me kill me. Espec if they didnt love hr
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male
reader, heynow63 +, writes (26 March 2011):
yes i am with a girl that a hundred different men or more had sex with, many lots of times and did not want. i feel honored..
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male
reader, heynow63 +, writes (26 March 2011):
It bothers me as well in my situation but i guess the world says we are creeps for it bothering us.
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male
reader, heynow63 +, writes (26 March 2011):
I try to see myself as sexually open minded...but it still hurts. I get bothered by the "fact" that I would bet and have heard most guys think of a girl who is an "easy lay" to them and their buddies is somehow "less than:. I HATE knowing my wife was an "easy lay" for so many guys I knew and grew up with and soo many more I don't. I hate knowing in their memories will always live the images and facts around their encounters no matter what me and her do, it will never erase them. I feel like they can snicker to their buddies or to themselves when they see us together. She did some pretty darn promiscous things, sexy things that hurt somehow. I would feel funny if I did them with her and saw her with another guy somewhere some day. They know she was easy for them, bottom line. Many did stuff with her that I only can match, not top. Make sense?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): I forgot to add in my earlier post something "key" about acceptance.
Frequently, people who have been very promiscuous don't understand the "why". In some cases they think "everyone is this way" and this is just the way life is. Then, they get older and realize "oh, not everyone is that way". This is when it can hit very hard.
Many times they themselves find acceptance of their past very hard to achieve and work through, much harder than those who are with them.
That is why you, as if you don't have enough to do already (right...I can just hear you thinking that), have to work extra hard to make sure that they understand that you accept them fully and without reservation. They will be looking for rejection in your actions.
This will be particularly so now that you know this information.
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male
reader, bjo84 +, writes (8 November 2010):
My brother has had similar issues with women he's dated. I don't think there is anything wrong at all with you feeling this way. I say continue to expose yourself to these thoughts because they will toughen you up. Time will also help. And as others have pointed out, everything that she has been through in the past has led her to you. Maybe she finally realizes she doesn't want anymore of the flings she had? She wants a guy who will love and care for her as nobody ever has?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): Well, it can bother you, but remember that there are reasons for such behavior that are deeply rooted.Don't be to judgmental. Frequently people need acceptance far more than you realize.My spouse has had a hundred times as many sexual partners as I've had. Is it a problem, yes, it has been a problem for her, not for me. I found out much of this in counseling for marital problems that we managed to resolve, that I thought were "me" and turned out to be "the past".My sex life has been much better, far and away better, and I enjoy sex far more than she does or ever did, till recently when counseling helped work the past out of the present.She's happier with me than she has ever been in her life at any time other than early childhood...and we have a "real relationship" and "love".Acceptance. Keep that in mind. Accept her fully, without fear, and without judgment, make sure she understands that every day.By the way, you might need a counselor to help, as this has come up well into your marriage. This happened to us, and we needed a counselor as it was affecting our marriage in multiple ways due to my wife's self doubt, self loathing, and other things that happened in the past that kept intruding into the present.Also, remember, anyone who has had "a lot" of sexual partners has usually had "a lot of bad experiences" which they don't want to admit were that "bad" or truly admit that they "were what they actually were", rape for instance is one of those issues that many people will deny that happened to them, but when they start to really look at what happened they start to understand.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 November 2010):
 No. In so far as the way you feel is the person you are. And so is she, including her past.
What matters more? Some sense of pride that your wife was not a virgin? That you might not be the best of her lovers? That you had to pay for her while others got it free? (cow milk)
Because that is what these feelings often boil down to. And they are understandably. Not very admirable but very human.
But what are you going to do? Lets these feeling fester until they become resentment or even hatred? It could take years and make you a bitter and ultimately lonely man.
Ignore them? Doesn't work either, the feelings are there, they can't be denied.
So, acknowledge them and deal with them. Be brutally honest about what those feelings really are even if they are not very flattering and then deal with them if you can.
They might force you to deal with your own insecurities. But that is not a battle that can be easily won.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): Lots of of people will line up to tell you that you're wrong, weak, egotistical, chauvanist, insecure, and almost any other negative description you can think of. But that is not the truth of the matter. This is a totally natural and healthy emotion to have. By "healthy" I only mean what helped your ancestors survive, not what helps your relationship today.
There are a few ways to try to cope with the feelings but they aren't going to just go away with time on their own. You need to look up Retroactive Jealousy.
Some people "get it" and some don't. People who don't get it are not much help even though they mean well. They just don't understand that you are feeling an involuntary emotion and not making a choice of opinion. They tell you that you are making the wrong choice and then they get annoyed when you don't choose to feel differently.
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reader, shawncaff +, writes (8 November 2010):
 Anonymous,
There are some questions here that I think need answering first, which may help shine a light on how to view the situation.
The first is you say "she has had numerous sexual partners in 3 years and none of them she loved and none of them were a real relationship." Why only 3 years? Was it the 3 years right before she met you? I am asking because maybe she was undergoing a very hard time in her life in which she found herself escaping into casual sex encounters. If that's the case, then it may just reflect a bad period and does not necessarily reflect on her character. It would be much the same as a person who kicked drugs; you would not hold them responsible for the rest of their life if they remain clean, would you?
Another question is why it bothers you. Is it because you feel she treats sex cheaply and the sex is less meaningful with you now? Or do you think it reflects some cheapness in her character? Or is there a religious objection? I think you also need to explore why it bothers you before you wonder about whether you are wrong for being bothered.
I'll check back if you would like to write more.
Best wishes,
Shawn
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male
reader, Noslonomo +, writes (8 November 2010):
Most don't enjoy thinking of their partner with someone else, but if it really is her past and isn't interjecting it self into your marriage then I'd say do what you can to let it go even if it means seeking professional help if need be. Seeing its a bit late to ask about this situation before your committed to her, think positively. She chose you and as long as she's not having numerous partners now you need to do your part to keep your marriage happy and healthy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): Not at all it's natural. My boyfriend has a horrible sexual past. One night stands, a secret lovechild, prostitutes, strippers, the lot!
It bothers me a lot because I am the complete opposite. I've had 1 boyfriend and was married (now divorced) before I met him.
He tells me he has changed and never wants to go back to that life again. I have to believe that, otherwise there's no point, is there?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): No bud youre not. In fact, its okay its just how you deal with it and like you said she is with you now and the future she wants is with you, not those other idiots. Think of it this way: Her past led her to you and had she not had such experiences she may not have found a great man such as yourself :)
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