A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:need your advice please-to worry or to relax, to snoop or not to snoop!background: i've been with my bf 3yrs, he proposed (out of the blue) 1yr ago and we've since moved in to a new house together and are planning to marry in 2 years (giving us time to save money for the wedding). he's more into marriage than me, i'm kinda dragging my feet as i've never really seen the point of marriage (apart from finances/legal stuff) and believe you can be committed to someone without the ceremony just as much as i believe marriage doesn't protect you from being cheated on. he, on the other hand, tells me it's an important statement to others and that he takes it v seriously.So, here's the problem. 3 months into our relationship, a girl let me know she and he had been sexting. Nothing physical. Just "banter". Confronted him, ready to end things, but we talked it out. He hadn't thought it was wrong as nothing physical would ever happen. Agreed that actually this was a boundary for me, so he wouldn't do it again. Didn't snoop/check up on him and all was going great til 7 months in, when he left his Facebook chat open on my laptop-right there, i saw inappropriate sexual chat with another girl in one conversation! Snooped and found no other similar stuff btwn them or to other girls. Confronted him, told him i needed time to think. After a few days, he contacted me, told me again it was just flirting but he could see now why it might upset me, he wouldn't do it again. I took him back.Another 2months go by and he deletes his FB account after being hacked on an online FB game. No FB account since. Happy relationship and no trust issues since. Had a baby 4 months ago (a surprise, but he was happy as he'd been talking about us having children for over a year!) I've been pretty low in self-confidence since then. I have my pre-pregnancy body back, although i'm breastfeeding, but am v tired from night feeds, we don't do date nights as he currently works night shifts, and when we've been physically intimate i've given bjs (which he enjoys) but don't want him touching me or full intercourse as i haven't quite got over the memory of childbirth.Now, a week ago he decided to re-open his FB account to contact old friends to sort his stag do. He states on his page that he's engaged. He tells me he won't be using it to flirt after i tell him i feel worried he might do so. I think i trust him, but: he sent a friend request to the girl he had the one dodgy chat with, she accepted, and i can't stop feeling worried! They have mutual buddies and work for the same large organisation (not in the same office), so maybe have stuff in common...idk, it's worrying me. So, do you think i should worry? Or cut the guy some slack as there's been no other boundary-crossing in our relationship for ages now (as far as i know-haven't snooped). I have a strong urge to snoop and read any msgs btwn them! I know that would be wrong, that i'd drive myself crazy waiting to catch him out. I want a relationship with him where i'm not worried like this!If i mention it to him, i'm scared i'll put the idea of sexual chats with this girl in his head. Would it be unreasonable to ask him to delete her from his FB account?I must sound petty and pathetic, but need your advice pls. Thanks:)
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male
reader, Stoney1215  +, writes (5 October 2013):
He believes that marriage is important because of what it shows other people. Yet he does not think what he shows you with his cheating behavior is important.
After the first time you decided to give him a second chance which i feel was the right thing to do. Then he did it again and again. Do you actually thing he is going to stop after he has shown you he will not ? Do you want to marry someone that you do not and can not trust ? Sadly you will get what you settle for.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2013): I'm the original poster and just want to say thanks for reading my post and for the replies-was expecting to get shot down as weak and insecure, but the advice is constructive and help me feel stronger-thanks :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2013): Is your relationship in general happy?If yes, I would say don't go looking for trouble when you're already tired and have a lot on your plate. This is not the time for you to cause yourself extra stress worrying about what he might or might not be doing.You need to learn to trust him. I know that's hard in your situation. But not trusting him will drive you insane with paranoia! So work on the trust. Regarding the FB situation, he lost the right to be friends with her when he crossed the boundary with her. So just politely ask him to remove her from his friends on facebook since he crossed boundaries with her and has made her a symbol of his indiscretion. (Be careful here that you don't make it sound like it's about you and your insecurities because he'll think you're being unreasonable and not letting him have friends.) Be clear that because it was the same woman that he brought mistrust into your relationship, it is inappropriate for him to still be friends with her. Tell him that if he respects you and he is truly sorry about what he did he will not befriend this woman.I would advise you to have a plan b at this stage of your relationship. For me, it would be huge warning signs if my significant other sexted not once but twice. Especially if he doesn't feel that he did something wrong. The only reason for him to stop would be because he doesn't want to hurt you. And with that reasoning, it's ok for him to do it again in the future as long as you don't find out and are not hurt by it. So in my opinion, unless he really worships the ground you walk on... he's likely do this again. Especially because he didn't stop after the first time. So my advice to you is to get a job as soon as you can - bearing in mind that you have a newborn.You want to be in a position where if he does it again, you can walk away. You want to be in a position where you have the financial means to use that option. In your position, I'd even start saving up a little bit of the money you have coming into the household.As I said earlier, don't go looking for trouble if your relationship is happy. Since you chose to stay after he crossed these boundaries, learn to trust him. If you discover accidentally again that he's done it then you can decide if you can live with what he has to offer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2013): I think you need to talk. I'm not quite sure why snooping supersedes telling a guy straight out that you have some serious issues about his past online activities. Straight out tell him you'd like access to his onlne accounts, and offer him access to yours. If he feels uncomfortable or refuses, there you have it. He is hiding something he doesn't want you to see.Now here's a questions for you. If he doesn't want you to have full access to his online accounts, then what?If you bypass the discussion and just snoop; and find something, then what?If you have a guy who can't control his secret online sexual activities, don't bother to marry him. Either that, or get used to it. If all you do is get upset, fight, and then there's no consequences; you might as well let him do whatever he pleases.Snooping will only reveal what you suspect, and all you'll do is fight about it. He'll stop until he's caught again. Then the next question is, why are you snooping if you're not going to do anything about it but fight. That doesn't seem to resolve anything.Now you're tied to this guy with a baby.So when does the trust begin? Talk it out and put your foot down.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (5 October 2013):
 You don't sound petty or pathetic... you sound like a cautious woman whose trust has been damaged by prior poor choices on your fiancé's part.That said, I would take it as a really good sign that he is public about your engagement on FB. There have been many posts to this site from both men and women whose partners liked to keep their relationship status ambiguous so their "options," if you will, could stay open. That does not seem to be the case with your partner.You have a child with this man and you are planning to be married to him. Clearly he sees a future with you if he made the decision to commit. His previous mistakes were not appropriate and I actually do not buy for for one second the idea that he didn't think it was wrong (if he thought nothing was off about it, there would have been no need to hide it from you).BUT - and this is a big one - you either need to trust that he is no longer doing this after realizing it's something you aren't going to tolerate, or you need to rethink why you are planning to tie yourself more irrevocably to someone you *don't* trust or can't trust. Whether you spy on his FB or not is actually not relevant. No matter how much of his correspondence you are able to access, there will be points in his life (and your future marriage) at which you cannot supervise him or check up on what he is doing. You have to trust that he won't be taking the first available opportunity to fling himself into the arms of another woman (or sext her), or you'll be absolutely miserable wondering what he could be up to and reading into everything he does.The child you have together is a terrific reason for you to really focus on trying to achieve and maintain trust in your relationship. I think you should sit down with your fiancé and have an open (but not accusing) discussion of how you can address your fears and of how he can make you feel more secure in the relationship. Let him know that the past is still bothering you, and that you love him very much but are having trouble with his return to social media. Involve him in the discussion so he does not feel as though you're lecturing him or pointing fingers - ask him if there is anything he would suggest to you to help settle your mind. This is your chance to get his side of things when it comes to the health and intimacy of your current relationship.Pre-marital counseling might also be of help to you both so that an objective third party can speak to him directly and offer an outside opinion on what your relationship is dealing with. A counselor may also help you to address and overcome your postpartum reluctance concerning sex and thereby strengthen the intimacy you two currently share.Good luck and best wishes :)
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