A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I've been going out with my girlfriend for 4 months now, she's my first real girlfriend and I do love her so much.Everything is perfect except for the fact that I can't get her past sex life out of my head. She's 18 and has been with 10 guys before me, I'm 20 and had been with 3 girls before her. Long story short I had a bad experience losing my virginity and so I wasn't going to have sex with just anyone after that. So I've turned down opportunities.When we first spoke about our sexual pasts she told me right off the bat, 10 people, I'd only ever met one person beforehand who'd slept with so many and she was almost 21, not just turned 18. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't taken back and I was VERY surprised because she comes across as very ladylike, proper and just the things you wouldn't expect to find in a slut. But I hardly thought about it.Then about a month down the line, when I was really in love with her it dawned on me and started hurting like hell. It has my stomach in knots all the time when I'm awake.Every time I try to talk to her about it she gets all defensive and she tells me that to her sex is just sex, nothing more and she never considered it a big thing.I feel that if I stay in this relationship it's going to tear me apart, but I know nothing could come close to the pain of leaving her and I know that afterward it'd still hurt as well.It wouldn't be half as bad except for the fact that one of the guys is at my college and I've disliked him ever since I met him, one is a friend of a friend who I see a lot, another is a friend of a friend but I don't see him half as much. It's just so hard when it's constantly rubbed in my face, I can't go on her facebook without one of them appearing. And I fear that everyone just treats her as a booty call, because one time I was at hers and one of them who was coming back from university asked if she wanted to meet up and "chill" and this caused a massive argument between us, she almost chucked me out of her house after that one.My biggest fear however is that she has a reputation for being a slut, I won't ever say it to her but I do think before she met me she was a slut, I've seen pictures of her on facebook getting off with 2 guys, comments from her friends on other photos saying how she got with 5 guys in one night. Hell, in one night she even slept with 2 guys.The thing is, despite her slutty past she's the nicest, most genuine girl I've ever met. Which I think is why it hurts even more.I need some serious help guys, I've considered therapy as well, I can't deal with it, I wake up then as soon as I remember her past the feeling grips me and it never lets go until I see her and even then it doesn't. I'm losing sleep over this, not being able to do work and worst of all it hurts and I can't talk to her about it because I don't know how without causing an argument.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): You either get over it or you move on from her. Saying she is a slut because she slept with 10 people is a little extreme. I understand that she is only 18, but oh well. She didn't know you and owes you no explanation. Get over it or move on. There is no sense dwelling on the past, you can't change it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): There is another option besides never delving into someone's past. You can also delve into everyone's past until you find someone that you actually share the same sexual values with. But this view on dating also makes people responsible for the consequences of their past actions. Not everyone will be happy about that.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 May 2011):
Yep - you referring to her as a 'slut' is the nail in the coffin. It's worthless you two even being together.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): Never call her a slut, she doesn't deserve that, nobody does.She's got issues, serious issues about sex, and you need to realize that."she tells me that to her sex is just sex, nothing more and she never considered it a big thing"Which is correct, meaning she's not learned to associate sex and love together, WHICH IS A BIG THING, that is a serious psychological issue that arises when this comes up. Clearly, you do associate sex and love together, which is good. But, her having sex with you doesn't mean love, it just means that she wants to make you feel better, and feel better herself, and she probably is not letting you know the true depth of her feelings and can't do that safely with anyone. She may actually love you, but she may not even know what love really is and only think she loves you.People who don't associate sex and love, will screw anybody for pleasure, companionship, to make themselves feel better about themselves, etc, etc, etc, there are myriad reasons that they will have sex over."she's the nicest, most genuine girl I've ever met"Also very common in these people, who 'want to please' the other person and make them feel better. They are genuinely good people at the heart of it all."she gets all defensive"Of course, because she feels bad about it at some level, but she doesn't know what to do about it, and doesn't know the right path to take."I can't talk to her about it because I don't know how without causing an argument"You can't, not without a counselor present, and that will even lead to arguments. She's 18 and has had 10 sexual partners, by 30 if she keeps this up the number will be well over a hundred, maybe over 200.Does she drink?Drug use?Parents married or divorced?Parents have affairs?Parents use drugs or alcohol?Has she been sexually abused?Has she been neglected?All this plays a role. However, most people can't tell anyone the truth about these questions until they are 30, 40, 50, 60 years old, or even older.My advice, good or bad, is to tell her how you feel about her, not about her past, and print this information I've written above and show her.Remember, nobody deserves to be called a slut. As for you, you've had 3 sexual partners, and in some cultures you would receive 100 lashes for fornication. Get that through your head now.But, if you've got courage, print this all, show it to her, talk to her, and tell her you are sorry.Agree with prior poster, you are not psychologically mature enough to deal with her past yet, but you may get there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): Sex means something to you, but it's just sex for her. I highly doubt that you will ever be Ok with this. Many people here will tell you that having sex with lots of different men including two in one night means nothing since it's "in the past". There are also quite a few people who are perfectly OK participating in group sex with their spouses, being married to porn stars who have sex with other people on a regular basis, etc. After all, by the time one's spouse gets home from a porn shoot on any given day, everything the spouse did during the day is "in the past". If you've only been seeing her for 4 months, there's no way you can truly love her in any real sense. Ultimately, the odds are very high that you will not be happy in this relationship, and you might as well move on now and find someone who's values with respect to sex are closer to your own. Don't beat yourself up over it. You have every right to determine what is important to you. And, your girlfriend has every right to find a man who has had sex with lots of women and also views sex as not having any meaning.Even if you don't break up with her, she will eventually get tired of the situation and move on.
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 Sorry if this sounds cynical, but I doubt you'll be able to get past this. It may be best to walk away. She deserves a guy who won't look down on her for her past. If you love her, you'll know that her past is what made her the girl you fell in love with. She never hid it from you, so this problem is yours to deal with. Counselling may help, but honestly, the fact that you call her a slut says enough about your mindset to tell me that this relationship is doomed.
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