A
male
age
30-35,
*ootired
writes:My girlfriend, who I've Been with for nearly a year now, her past truly bothers me and keeps me up at night. Here's the story: before were together she went on holiday and had sex a few times, she says, with a guy who was a lot older than her she was 17/18 and he. Was 29 that's a 12 year gap! Obviously he lied to her and found out that he was older but the damage was done. Basically I'm cool with the fact that she's had sex, it's just that he was sooo much older and if you reply to this saying that he wasn't then ur an idiot. I cannot stop thinking about it and I wish she never told me anything. How do I get my head around this. It bothers her too which is why she told me in the first place. It might be my age and that I'm insecure because I'm not old enough to accept it or I'm mentally incapable. Advice would be helpful and apprecIated. Thank you too tired. If you want a detailed explanation and story then message me or something I'm new to this
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male
reader, Tootired +, writes (12 December 2010):
Tootired is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone. I do love her and I wouldn't be as happy as I was without her. It's just sometimes it pops in my head and it stays there. I know for sure it will go in time and I'll get over it. She's worth the hassell in other words lol vie read all of your answers and I pretty much accepted what vie read because that's what ive been thinking. I think as I get older the easier things like this will be become to deal with and tbh Itcould be worse, I'm lucky to have someone who aporeciates me as much as she does, her past is her past and mine is mine I love her too much to care and let it truly bring me down. But thanks again to all of you you're magical ;) I'm too tired and I'm going to bed gnite x
A
female
reader, harleygirl2010  +, writes (11 December 2010):
 I think whats going on is that your confused and that's understandable. You say you wish she never told you anything but it's probably best that she did. She is showing that she trusts you and wants you to understand that happened in her past so that if it one day showed up out of the blue you would be as likely to get angry at her for keeping it from you. The age gape was definitely something to be looked at. all you have to do is accept it and if she needs support to heal from that experience then be there for her. Just accept and move on so that you can focus on your future together.
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic +, writes (11 December 2010):
it is something that happened in the past
you shouldnt bother your self about it at all
if you love her and she is faithfull to you
then let this story out of your head and enjoy
your time both
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): It's understandable to me that you are bothered... older people are assumed to have more experience/sophistication/wealth/savvy/whatever... and I would personally feel feelings of insecurity or sort of threatened-ness if a guy I cared about had had serious goings- on with an older woman. Did he like her better (in bed)? Would he prefer someone with more knowhow? Does he think I'm too immature or silly or not independent/grownup enough? Did he prefer the way she lived her life, all the things she had? Did he prefer her conversation?
Comparing yourself to your love's past lovers though, is always a NO... try as best you can to refrain if your other does. Most do.
Live in the present and understand that your partner is with you because they Choose to be. You are Now their preference. You are their Choice.
-Tante Victoire
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): obviously she felt comfortable enough with you to open herself up to you honestly. that isn't something to be overlooked. as to the issue, it's her past and was done BEFORE she met you. nothing can be done about it so why dwell on it. would you have rather found out about it after you've been with her for 2 years, 5 years, after you were married?
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 December 2010):
 No need to get hostile in your post to people who give you advice. Remember you come on here asking for free advice. Obviously, anyone who can do simple math understands that man is way too old for her.
Anyways, so what really bothers you? The fact that she had sex with a much older man that happened before your time? You also state in your post she didn't know about his age until the deed was done, so how could you hold this against her? She shouldn't have volunteered this info, stuff like that is better off left unsaid.
That event has nothing to do with you, period. Her past is her past. People make mistakes, she's only human. Either get over the fact that this happened before your time and move forward with your relationship not looking back. Or you dump her because you can't get over the fact that she slept with a much older man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): Heya Hunn,
I know its extreamly hard to not look back at peoples past and let it affect you, BUT.. if you truly love one another than the past should not be an issue..
people make mistakes and learn by them.. anything your girlfriend or you have experianced in your past, makes you who you are.. and most the time makes you a stronger person.
Im sure your girlfriend isnt happy with the fact this happened, was this before you were both together? or did she do it when you were together?
if it something in her past before you guys got together.. then thats something that should be left behind.. i know the fact that the guy was older affects you.. but its you she is with and if you really love one another... then just hold on to that...
everything happens for a reason, dont beat yourself up over something that is in the past.. cause thinking about it over and over again will just make you feel worse.
focus on the now.. and try and put your trust in to the relationship..
i meen im slightly confused if she did this when you were together or when she wasnt with you? ...
whatever the case.. focus on your future together..
im sure theres things in your past your not happy about also.. but what is in the past , stays n the past... never let it effect your future!!
good luck with everything hunny!!
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): Its hard getting thoughts about your partners sexual past out of your mind, sleeping with a few men isnt much. I dont think a 12 yr gap is too bad, at 18 she's mature enough. My boyfriend is 31 and im 20, he had 10 sexual partners before me, mostly 1 night stands. I dont like it but I dont think about it. With time it wont bother you, I had the same problem, it took a while but I got over it.
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