A
male
age
41-50,
*RTBrass
writes:Hello. I'll cut right to the chase. I am falling in love with this girl i've been dating for 5 months. She told me she is falling for me. She is everything I'm looking for in a woman...elegant, smart, driven, charming, sexy, successful. One night over drinks she volunteered her sexual history, which was only 5 partners (she's 30 years old). She said 4 were people she was in a relationship with and 1 was with a friend. The friend is the one that bothers me. She later told me, because she knew it upset me, that she did it because "it had been a long time" and because she wanted that companionship. She also said that she didn't really care about him. For whatever reason I can't get this out of my head now. Sex means more to me and I feel it should be with people you truly care about...I've never been one to have sex with people whom I didn't care about. The fact that she did is constantly on my brain and I'm afraid it's tainting my view of her. I know this is unrealistic and childish, but it is what it is. How do I let it go that she had sex with someone she truly didn't care about and who she didn't want to be in a relationship with? She broke it off when he got hurt and wanted a relationship with her...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): I have a diff take - she has been open & honest & this is a test of your commitment & compatibility. there is no such thing as a perfect partner. if u can't stop judging her move on you don't deserve her.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): I don't entirely agree with the rest of the answers.
Is 5 partners at age 30 a lot? No, not at all. It's pretty low.
But I think what is bothering you is the circumstances of the hookup you describe. She was doing something that bothers you - hooking up with some guy "just for sex" knowing that it wasn't gonna mean anything or go anywhere.
I think you would probably be a lot less bothered if she'd had 3 more guys instead of this one, as long as all of them had been legitimate BFs. There's a distinct difference in sexual values being demonstrated with a no-future hookup.
The next real question is whether you still think she'd be capable of doing this today in a pinch if she was single. This would really point to a deeper difference between you & her about when sex is appropriate.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (10 April 2009):
 Much ado about nothing. I must agree with the other responders that your lady seems quite reasonable in these times. Perhaps she would be better off with a man who would not hold her fairly tame past against her.
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A
male
reader, JockoJ +, writes (10 April 2009):
Can I pile on? 5 guys when she's 30 is nothing. You need to either forget about it or turn it into a sexual fantasy or something. You're not going to find many chicks only with a 5 count at her age.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): It's nothing. Don't worry about it, really. Be glad she is a sexually interested. Some women are cold fishes. However, I do understand, in a way. My GF had sex because she was curious, and had sex with a college guy she kinda knew, met at a bar, after a few laughs, and beers, and it bugs me (and her much more so) that she gave her way her first sex experience so easily because she was simply curious and wanted to be accepted. She did the same thing again a week or two later, same guy. He was clearly using her, she knows it fully soon thereafter (long story), and is mortified that friends knew, too. So it wasn't part of a relationship, which she thinks it was so slutty. (It was.) And she's never really gotten over the embarassment (though I don't say anything negative, and I advise you the same). Move on.
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A
female
reader, Beautiibabe  +, writes (9 April 2009):
Imagine what you would be like if she had said she'd slept with 50 people and was involved in group sex and had made her own home porno.
I said that because you need to realise its no big deal. Im sure you have made her feel terrible because of how you feel when she trusted you and told you. I think you should forget it, it was the once.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (9 April 2009):
When she says she didn't care about him, I don't think she meant she cold bloodedly seduced him and used him.
She probably cared about him as a friend and it was just something that happened but didn't lead to anything.
There are so many questions from boyfriends who have problems with their girlfriend's past. Do a search and read some of the excellent advice given to them from people who have been there and gotten over it.
There are also a couple of good articles on it here too.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (9 April 2009):
 I personally think that this woman has been open and honest with you about her sexual past and it is just that the PAST, she is with you because she wants to be and your relationship has been growing intensely and she is everything that you are looking for in a woman.
Why blame her for wanting to be close to someone as that is just a natural instinct in all of us and this friend must have made her feel special at the time, however, after the sex had happened she realised that she could not hurt this person and walked away, OK she lost his friendship and that is never easy but she did not stick around using him for sex only, does that not show you what type of woman she is i.e. not a user.
We all make mistakes in our lives in the way we deal with things and she is with you now, let the past stay where it should stay IN THE PAST.
Only you can change your feelings on this subject but the woman should be given credit for being honest and open with you not condemned.
BFN
Country Woman
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