A
male
age
30-35,
*onfused2218
writes:Any advice is appreciated. My girlfriend is 19 I am 22 we have been together for 3 years, her mum is 58 and been single since I met her, her mum has always bugged me since day 1 but I put a brave face on everything but I am struggling to do that anymore.We have to be around her mum constantly from sitting with her in the evening watching tv to being with her on my days off we are never free of her I feel like a babysitter. If we go anywhere (even upstairs to watch tv) and don't invite her she sulks and gets angry that we are leaving her out, which thus results us sitting with her till she decides to go bed, if i dare have a smoke without asking her if she wants to join me then thats her in a bad mood for the rest of the night.My girlfriend stops at my house 3 nights a week and i stop at hers the rest. When we are at my house her mum texts from the miniute we get in my car then texts all night till she gets tired and goes sleep were talking upwards of 20 texts from 7pm - midnight it is causing an increasing number of arguments between me and my girlfriend and her attitude varies from agreeing with me and saying she will talk to her to making excuses for her mothers behaviour.when we wake up at mine on the day I am off her mum texts at 9am asking what time we are coming back I feel suffocated but my girlfriend just defends her even though some days I can see how annoyed she gets by it. Now there is no way my girlfriend is going to move out from her mum had that conversation alot of times and basically as horrible as this may sound until her mum bites the big one this is how it is.I want to be with my girlfriend the rest of my life and she feels the same so I can hardly just give up as it really isn't my girlfriends fault, she should stand up to her more but that would not solve it either, my girlfriend told me if I say anything to her she will leave me so what do I do as you can imagine my tolerance has run out I don't book days off work anymore and the nights i stop at hers I now dread and purposley work late to cut down the time i have to be there. :(
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (20 October 2011):
I wholeheartedly agree with everything CaringGuy has brought up. I've seen relationships like this before, where one is completely controlled by a parent. Basically she's a puppet and her mom is the puppet master. Unless she finds the wil to do something about it, this is the future of your relationship. Since nothing happened the past 3 years it is unlikely the next 3 years will be any different. Do you want to stick around for that? You're already sick of it now.
"I can hardly just give up as it really isn't my girlfriends fault"
It IS your girlfriend's fault, man. Not taking action is as much a mistake as taking the wrong action. She isn't willing to do what it takes. So why stick around if you can show her the right example by breaking up with her? This is not going anywhere.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 October 2011):
I think it's very obvious that her mother is a very lonely woman who simply can't let go because she has nothing else. Until her mother can come to terms with the fact that her daughter has you, this will not get better. She needs to be getting her own life and sorting it out. But, in fairness, your girlfriend's mother is very much part of the problem, not all of it. I can understand that her mother is lonely. What I actually do think is worrying is your girlfriend's reaction to what you have to say and how she deals with her mother. Your girlfriend has not once stood up for you or herself. She hasn't set time limits on texting (i.e. stops at 7pm). She hasn't made time for just you and her. All these things are unacceptable. My girlfriend's mother is a widow, and they usually speak at least once a day. But my girlfriend and her mother both have their own lives, and that's what matters. There is, sadly, a huge red flag with your girlfriend - she says she'll leave you if you ever say anything. I cannot being to tell you how massive a red flag that is. That is your girlfriend, then girl who claims to love you, saying that you are second best in her life and there is no negotiation about it. Here's where the problems gets bigger - that will NEVER, EVER change. Literally, you will be second best. Get a place together - he mother will probably move in or spend most of her time there. Get married - her mother will control it. Go on holiday - he mother will be there. Have kids - you'll never get a say because your girlfriend and her mother will take total control. Seriously, this would make me run a mile. I'd never allow my girlfriend's mother to control our lives like this. More importantly, there is no way that I'd accept my girlfriend saying "I'll leave if you say anything". Absolutely unacceptable. It's blackmail, it's cowardly, it's selfish.The real truth is this: her mother means more than you and always will. You're just a guy who is in her life as a companion. She doesn't respect you enough to make some real changes (not one change in 3 years!), and she think so little that she's absolutely willing to blackmail you and dump you. You've run out of tolerance, you're no longer booking time off, you're dreading staying there and you can't have your girlfriend around because of those texts. The time has come to wake up - this relationship is going to fail because your girlfriend is changing nothing. She's not mature enough to understand what she has to do, and her mother calls all the shots. From a man to another man - get out now and don't waste your time. This is going nowhere and it'll never go anywhere else because your girlfriend has wiped your concerns off the planet. She doesn't care enough about you to make changes. So you need to move on and find a woman who has (hopefully) a good relationship with her mother, but understand that there are boundaries. You'll never have a life with your current girlfriend.
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