A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently told my best, married, friend that I was in love with her. And that I have been for several years, and that I've been waiting for her marriage to dissolve. That sounds vulturous, but it isn't. I'm just way too nice, believe it or not, and didn't want to hurt her or her partner in any way. Her marriage is a bit of a sham, and she got into it to appease her family, and to escape from a bad situation.She reciprocated her feelings, and we've been dating for about two months now. It's been more than I could have ever imagined, though a little scary. She is trying to keep things balanced until after the holidays, because she doesn't want to alienate herself from her family. A week ago, her husband found a note I wrote her...He has realized what an asshole he is, and is changing his life for her, apparently. She is not buying into this, and she has never been in love with him, however he is making a point to do all the stuff together that we used to do together, because he wouldn't. And I'm completely cut off for the time being. We can't go out, he asks about her texts, etc. I feel trapped, and it has only been a week. My chest hurts -- my heart literally hurts. And she is trying to smooth things over to get back to a place where we can at least interact like we used to, as best friends, but... it's tough.I know it seems like I'm the bad guy here, but I'm not. It's the difference between domesticity, and looking into a person's eyes and shaking. We've been like that for some time, and I regret not having the courage before now. But now... it's just so incredibly hurtful. I do not know what to do, or how to cope with this distance, while this guy attempts to lure her back into a sense of complacency so he can revert back to a couch layabout dude.How do I deal with the pain, the irrational anger at her, though I know she is doing this for the both of us, the shame in hating this person SO much when I'm very much the home wrecker, or will be perceived to be, the distance and the doubt that, while I know she loves me, I don't know if she'll ultimately be strong enough to make it through these next several months (I know I barely am, and I'm not the one that has to keep up appearances)?
View related questions:
best friend, text, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): Perhaps you need to cut all this drama and get a grip on things. Your "love" is in fact a cheat, she is an adulterer who has gotten caught by her hb. Perhaps you need to open your eyes and see this affair for what it is; an escape! Stop whining about her hb, for goodness sake he is her hb and if he wants to try then they both should. Instead of pining fort someone else's wife why don't you try finding someone single or just remain single yourself for a while. Whether u want to admit it or not both you and this woman have turned out to be users. She is faking it and pretending to be a faithful wife, her aim is to destroy her hb and then get out of the marriage. If you two are such good people why destroy others to be together. Perhaps she needs to have some moral convictions and end her marriage after all she cares nothing for her hb.You both want to pretend to the outside world that you are good, decent people but are playing games with her hb. If you want any credibility at all then tell her to end the marriage NOW and to stop the pretense. You are just as wrong as she is by fooling her family. What is she trying to achieve by manipulating her family. This is not about fooling people but living with yourself as liars and cheaters. In the end I firmly believe if she can not only cheat with you, but string her hb along and then cruelly dump him, it means she is capable of much more. So watch your back in future, one day you may just be on the receiving end and then you will know just how her hb feels.In the end that wheel will turn and you will be facing the music.So go right ahead with the affair, I think one day you may end up as her hb. You see people rarely change and if they can do it with you, they will do it to you. I hope it doesn't come to this.-LoveGirl
A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (11 October 2010):
 If it is meant to be, then it needs to be done right. She makes a clean break, spends time alone getting her head cleared, and her divorce finalized. Spend time courting her, and see what happens. Until then...do the right thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, ltflowing +, writes (11 October 2010):
Wow,it sounds like you are painfully in love with someone you shouldn't be or at least shouldn't be right now. I'm sorry that you waited several years and hung around as a friend suffering as you have. But, maybe it's time for you to step away and see if she comes to you. It's all out in the open, now the truth will reveal itself.
I know what it is like to be married to someone that no longer or maybe never felt like the right one. I made a commitment to someone who wasn't terrible or bad, but just not right for me and deep down I knew it. I gave up on the dream and focused on my reality as long as I could. My life was still good and I had everything material that I could ever hope for, but I was empty. In time it ate at me and I didn't like myself because I was in a marriage I didn't want, but I had kids that I loved and wanted the best for. They needed a good father, and he was.
Eventually, I met someone that I believed was fated and I left my husband for this man, believing in the dream once again, but after my divorce was finalized, the dream man turned out to be a nightmare. He had lied about everything he was and everything that he promised me.
Long story short, it just seems right to give her the space to end her marriage (if that is what she intends to do). She will need time to make things right and figure out for herself if she really wants you and is prepared to take the responsibility of ending her marriage on her own. She will need the time to end things on her own without your influence and on her own terms. Also, you should not have to bear the guilt and shame of being a homewrecker while she publicly goes through a divorce. It should be her decision and her responsiblity and she should know that from the start. It should be for reasons that are not just to be with you, but that she wants to leave for herself whether you will be there or not in the end.
If you love her, then give her the space to make her decision and let her live with it whatever that may be. She may stay with her husband until a ripe old age. Or, she may decide to leave in hopes of things working out with you (with no guarantees). In any case, a divorce is long and torturous. My only light was him standing there in the end waiting for me...
My dream man became jealous and controlling. He used the fact that I left my marriage for him as evidence that I was a whore and would cheat on him someday. I was humiliated, because everyone knew I left my marriage for him and not for truly legitimate reasons. He was abusive though and I don't believe that you are. I found out in the end that he liked to shame me, tear me down...he took secret joy in seeing me lose everything and he was there to take everything left and finish me off. He had a drinking problem that I was unaware of and a criminal past that I found out about too late.
You are probably sincere in your love for her, but what will become of her if you are not? Are you willing to take full responsibility for your actions leading to the end of her marriage? And if you are not her everything, she may resent you all the days that you are together.
Are you certain that you are not just the parts that she is missing in her marriage? Are you the one for her totally, completely, without hesitation?
Let her go, and hopefully it is just for now. If it is right and meant to be, your lives will come together later and hopefully, without much damage.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 Man..this is difficult!! But there is nothing much you CAN do here...except wait for her to take the decision. I think this girl needs to be sure about what she wants, because this see-saw isint going to be helping anyone. The husband is going to be in perpetual doubt and you will continue being an emotional wreck. Look... Either she stays in the marriage or she walks out. When you say she loves you, and yet she's trying to make her marriage work by giving her husband another chance, what does that mean? Either she's going to stick with him if he changes, or she's just putting up a show of trying to be salvage the marriage. If she sticks with him, thats it for you. They are husband and wife, and you'l end up being the the home wrecker. If its just a show on her part, and she intends leaving him anyway, then why is she wasting everyone's time? giving the husband all these false hopes and putting you through this agony.
Its not going to get any better this way. You need to talk to her and take a decision.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): Odds are good he really will not change, you've waited this long, wait him out. He'll sense the lack of a treat, slow down his efforts and soon will be the same old a-hole he was... then she'll realize it and maybe do something about it.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): Thank you for your nonjudgemental answers. I understand most people probably think me reprehensible, but... we've been in love for so long, and it's been so hard, and it started out so well, and now... yeah. Sigh.
I do think we'll work out, and I understand it's admirable to make a marriage "work" (whatever that means, in this context), but I think she's just keeping up the facade to keep her family. I mean, I know this. I have always been her outlet and we are brutally, brutally honest with one another. She doesn't want her marriage to end because of me, and have me be the Bad Guy to her family, so she is trying to deconstruct it further than it already is. She has told her husband that she has never been in love with him this past week (which I knew years ago, and sat on my hands like an idiot). They haven't had sex for some time. Etc. I know I'm going to have to wait until next year, and I'm willing to in theory, I am just going crazy. Nothing should feel like this.
I just need to learn how to cope. We've been awkward and caring for about two years now, I think that's when we started to accept things, and this is just a complete and utter tidal wave of emotion. That coupled with it just ending for a week (we still trade texts and phone calls, but she is having to hide everything from him, even though he says that he knows how happy I make her and wants us to remain friends) is just... I'm so depressed I had to tell strangers on a message board.
Thank you both again.
...............................
A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (11 October 2010):
Stay away and let her work on her marriage. Nothing shes ever said matters. All that matters is that he is trying, and she is staying. Back off and let them work on their marriage. Hard I know. Hugs
...............................
|
