A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a women for a month and things were going great until her ex started pursuing her. A bit of background on me. After marryting at a very young age, I was divorced 2 yrs ago. No children. I have dated many women since then and this current one is the 1st one I really connected with, pretty much from the 1st date and on. My girlfriend broke up with her ex boyfriend about 6 months ago. They had lived with each other for aprox 3 yrs. He has an 8 yr old daughter from a different woman. To complicate matters, my gf has multiple sclerosis. She had what they call a reoccurring attack almost a year ago and her ex was not there for her when she needed him the most. In fact, he cheated on her and this was the 2nd time he had done so. Shortly after this reoccurring attack, he broke up with her. Well since then, they have seen and talked to each other regularly and have had physical contact from time to time. However, she joined an online dating site hoping to meet someone new, which happened to be me. Well, we started dating a month ago and things probably went a bit too fast but I guess we both could not resist, even though we tried. The instant connection, chemistry, or what ever you want to call is there, so we did become intimate rather quickly. She has not been seeing her ex since dating me but he called her this past Sun and she told him she found a good guy and could not see or talk to him anymore. He responded by saying he was happy for her. This lasted for about 4 hours. He called her he and said he really missed her, screwed up with her, and wants to marry her. He even called her 3 times while she and I were together that evening. It gets even better. Earlier this week, he met with both her parents and some other family members to apologize for the way he treated her and let her down. He then proceeded to tell them he wanted to marry her and he nows seems to have the whole family thinking he is sincere and maybe on a subconscious level, he really feels he is.Now, I think it is quite obvious what is really going on here. Sounds like to me he liked having her around when it was convenient for him but now that I am in the picture, he risks losing all contact with her. I feel he is extremely jealous, cannot stand the thought of her being with someone else, and is pretty much acting out of desperation based on all he has done this past week.Im just shocked a grown man in his 30's acts this way. I feel he is being extremely selfish, needs to grow up, and move on. My girlfriend is now really confused. All she wanted was this guy to marry her but he never proposed and cheated on her twice, once when she was in the hospital. She and I have developed strong feelings for each other which is totally not the norm for me considering it happened so quickly. I can see it in her eyes and the just by the way she acts when I am around her. Quite simply, it just feels right.However, she thought she was over her ex until he pulled this stunt and now she does not know what to do. She has a past history with this guy, some unresolved feelings, and wanted to marry him in the past. Now she has met this great new guy in me but she is afraid that things could change or I could turn out to be no different than her ex after some time passes. I wish she could clearly see how her ex is acting out of his own selfishness and insecurities but easier for me to recognize this than her. Even worst, her family seems to have been slighly persuaded by his recent behavior. What a mess. Any advice, especially from those having similiar experiences would be greatly appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): Why does she feel so "right" to you? Sounds like she cares about you and she may have been trying to meet someone new but she clearly is not over the ex. If I were you, I would take a break from her maybe a few weeks, make sure your feelings are genuine and not because you rushed into intimacy. If she is "right" for you you'll know then and maybe she will have come to her senses!!! Chances are if her ex thinks your no longer a part of the picture he'll back off and she will be able to realize what she really wants. Which should be you from the sound of things. sure hope it works out for you. Goood luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): Oh. I wrote the last thing about how you should fight for her. I just wanted to add that I find her family a bit weird. My family would be so disappointed if I married a guy who cheated on me no matter how sorry he was. And I think that is the way things should be. A family should protect you. I mean this guy is bad news. He is not going to change. And he has already done something so despicable. I just don't understand why her family has such low standards for their daughter. I just think that is really weird. I have never heard of anything like that.
I think a family should protect and want the best for you. I don't get it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): Well you clearly know exactly what is going on and what this guys' motives are. And I think you are absolutely right. And you sound so caring the way you describe what you think is going on and how perceptive you are. The way you seem to put your own feelings aside and assess this situation objectively. That's cool.
My suggestion is that if you really really like this girl, then fight for her. Tell her what you just said here. Just like if you were a good friend giving another friend good advice. But let her know how you really feel about this situation because I think you are right about it anyways. It is definitely something she needs to hear. And if you also want to let her know that you like her and would like it if she continued dating you then you should tell her that too. Definitely let her know how you feel about her ex and how you feel about her. And even if it takes a little bit of convincing then it is worth it for you to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): Still love her but don't put all your eggs in one basket with her. Like the other person said, he misses her and is just using his "long term ex" powers to get her back.
Sorry bro, women will drive ya crazy!
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (28 September 2007):
 If she is considering him seriously at all, then your connection with her simply is not strong enough to withstand more challenges life will throw at you.
She is CONFUSED?!?
Do yourself and her a favor. Break it off with her, and when she comes back to you (IF she does)...never let her become more than a casual lover to you.
What an insult she threw at you. She obviously does not feel the connection to you that you thought otherwise, THERE WAS BE NO CONFUSION.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): Thanks for the input. I was with her for another intimate night last night. Things seem so good when I am with her that I am very confident there is no way she would go back to him. However, she seems more distant when I'm talking to her on the phone, such as today. Of course, her ex basically harrassed her with calls and text messages all day.
She did reinterate she is confused and even though she is happy with me, it's hard for her to ignore all the history with this guy. She basically wanted to marry him all along so what does he do, strings her along for 8 months after they break up and proposes to her when he finds about me. Very shallow on his part but she seems not able to see that. I even think he may be a bit mentally unstable based on the way he has been acting. Man, I wouold love to meet this guy and give him a good old tongue lashing.
As far as her family goes, I have not really met them and they seem to think his apologies are sincere. She told me they always liked him in the past. She is telling me they are basically not advising her what to do and will support her no matter what which is what you expect from your family.
I cannot believe I have myself in this position. I was willing to go out with her when I found out about her medical condition, thought it would be rude not to at least go out once. Funny thing is if I had known more about her past relationship and how she felt about her ex, I would have never had that 1st date with her but it's hard to end things now having developed these feelings for her.
This pretty much sucks and it's going to be a few long weeks. I probably wont stick around if the same thing is going on 2-3 weeks later but it will be devestating for me to end this brief intense relationship we have developed.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (27 September 2007):
 She got dumped right after having a medical issue, he cheated on her while she was in the hospital, and one other time, it doesn't take much to see that his behavior is self serving.
She needs to dump the ex. I don't see any positive thing happening with her contact with him. Sure they have a past together. She was with him, and he was with others at the same time.
He is displaying manipulative behaviors. You can tell that with his attempt to win over her family, without asking her permission to do so. He's trying to gather an army of supporters, so they may persuade her. He is not leaving her choices to her, but trying to have others believe she should be with him, so if she did her decision would be based more on being pressured than necessarily what she wants, and going back to a cheater that would only end up badly for yet another time.
His behavior with the family shows possibly controlling behavior. She needs to get strong, and look at WHY she thinks it's OK to be mistreated, and why she feels it's OK to go back to someone who did mistreat her.
Being in the US. If I was her, I'd tell him, I found someone, leave me alone period, and if he continued I'd get a no contact order served on him.
I wish you the best, and hope she makes the right choice to stay with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): It is obvious for me this guy is just taking advantage of his past with her so he can win her back, but just because he wants to compete with you.
I'd be a little confused also because us women are always dreaming about this stupid fairy tales in wich the prince comes and proposes and all our problems are solved instantly.
Sadly a month is not a great amount of time for her to be very much involved with you. The only thing you can do is to reassure her your love for her is true and to show her with evidence why you are the best goy for her. Tell her past behavoir is the best predictor of future behavior. Show her with facts just as if you were at a job interview.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (27 September 2007):
 Well it seems like the two of you are fairly close, maybe a frank discussion about what you feel is going on, might help her put things in perspective. She really needs to consider her options very carefully because her ex has proven that he really can't handle being in a committed relationship and tends to run the other way when she needs him the most. I would not want this type of man around if I had a disease like she does. I would want someone I could count on! I know you are biased, but someone has to be the voice of reason to her. How does her family feel about her ex and what's he's doing now that she's finally trying to move on with someone new? Have you met them yet, and how do they feel about you? If you feel like you have the family on your side, maybe you can all get together and talk to her about what's going on with her ex and help her see the big picture. I think this guy is playing games with her because he knows he can. And yes, he's very selfish. But the decision is really up to her. All you can hope for is that she'll see through him and make the right choice. Good luck.
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