A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So this girls boyfriend of 3 1/2 years dumped her last year and said he never wanted to speak to her again. We started seeing each other and hav been seeing each other constantly the last 10 months but it was never a relationship, always in between friends and lovers although we spent at least 3 days of the week together and we both liked each other alot. So he comes back in the picture and I found out and she stresses to me they not getting back together but they still each other and speak. So she suddenly goes cold on me and starts ignoring me for no reason and when I ask her why she says our brains need a break from everything and I asked her if she was back with him and she says no.I don't contact her for almost 3 weeks and then I sent her a msg telling her I missed her and care about her loads and don't want to lose her even as just a friend and if they back together I can understand, I just want to talk to her again. She calls me crying and says he saw the msg and now he never wants to talk to her again. I apologize and said I never wanted him to read it, it was meant for her only. The next day she sends me msg saying I hate you. And the next day message me non stop saying I ruin her life and she hates me I must never talk to her again... what the hell do I do. I care about her loads and told her I just wanted her to know. She kept telling me she hates me and that was it. What the hell do I do?? Feeling like such a dick for just a msg. In the past when I message her telling her my feelings she was always so happy to hear. It's not my fault that she probably never told him about me. And he broke up with her in three first place. I was always there for her. I love her but what do I do now?
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (6 February 2013):
 What can you do? Leave her alone.
Why would you want to be with a cheat? She'll do it again and again. Just be grateful you found out now and you're not the one in her boyfriend's shoes.
Now get out there and find a woman with integrity that can make you happy.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): U are all very right, thanks so much for the advice. I have been kicking myself that I shouldn't have sent the msg but why should I feel bad that I was letting her know I still miss her and care about her after spending so much time together and me always being there for her. To blame me because she probably lied to him about me and now to say she hates me and I ruined her life when I was always there for her is just fukd up. All I did was care about her, it hurts alot that she would say I tried to ruin her life when she told me numerous times they weren't getting back together. I should never talk to her again
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 February 2013):
She's upset because he's mad at her. You weren't the one doing anything wrong, she was. Anyone that gets mad at someone when they accidentally expose their lies is just immature. Forget about her, don't respond and don't stress.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (5 February 2013):
 There is not a lot you can do I'm afraid, she has shown that she loves her boyfriend and doesnt want anything more to do with you.
It seems she was just using you in between the break up and getting back together with her ex, in those 3 weeks she was using that time to see him and get back together with him. She was never over him from the start, you were just a rebound - something to fill her time and keep her occupied until she could get her ex back.
Now he has found out about you its all gone wrong for her, and its her own fault - she shouldnt have been using you, and she should have been honest with her boyfriend about what she was up to.
None of this is your fault, the only thing you have done wrong is been a bit naieve to think that she was ever over her boyfriend and ready to be with you.
You have learnt a valuable lesson - stay WELL AWAY from any girl that say she still talks to her ex, even if she claims she is not getting back with him. And learn that if a girl is with you for 10 months but is never 'officially' your girlfriend, then there is something going on because most girls would want to be official rather than just being in a casual relationship.
Delete her number and move on, you cant be friends with her because she is blaming you for all her problems in life (when in fact it is her on fault). She isnt going to ever want to be friends with you, she will hold this against you because it is easier than for her to admit she is wrong. Leave her alone, she has some issues that she needs to sort out with this on/off boyfriend and she doesnt have room in her life for anyone else at the moment.
Let her play silly games with this other guy and be glad that you are out of it - you have learnt the hard way but you have been well and truly used here, and now you are the scapegoat for her mistakes.
Move on, you are well out of this mess.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (5 February 2013):
 Well look: it seems that SO FAR AS YOU KNEW they were NOT getting back together even though her ex had come into her life again - in fact she TOLD you they weren't, BUT the thing is that she may have been "hovering" between resuming their relationship and socializing with him as a casual friend. Life is uncertain and messy at times.
You didn't do anything out of line - however, when she suddenly started giving you the cold shoulder treatment, you might have done better to leave her alone. Then this other guy sees your messages and evidently raised hell with her about it.
That is NOT your fault!
Unfortunately, your only real option now is to back off. There isn't anything further you can do. You may indeed care a great deal about her, but your only choice is to leave her alone.
A final word of caution: if this "sterling gold character" (NOT!!) dumps her again, then IF she wants to resume her friendship with you, you'd be well-advised to think long and hard before responding.
Granted, she gave you hell because he was giving her the same - but that doesn't justify all her nasty messages to you!
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A
male
reader, fzald +, writes (5 February 2013):
Honestly, dude, and I know how much this hurts, but the best thing you really can do right now is to honor her wishes.
Even though you say it wasn't a relationship, it sounds to me like at the least you hoped it would become one, and you even say you love her. I'm guessing she never really got over her ex and you were in effect a "rebound" guy. Someone to spend time with, take her mind off her feelings, have a good time with and so on, but truth is she never got over the guy.
Girls are creatures of emotion, and that means sometimes their decisions don't seem to make a lot of sense to us guys. Sounds to me like the ex came back into the picture, and she suddenly remembered how strong her feelings for him still were. I'm not saying she was even trying to get him back, but the feelings were still there. Then the incident with the text occurs, he tells her he hates her, and she's basically living the breakup all over again. She needs someone to blame, to offload all the pain and hurt feelings to, and unfortunately that was you.
He's honestly being a jerk in the first place. What was he doing reading her texts? He's not even with her anymore. So what if she had a text saying "Miss you?" If he's going to be that immature or insecure then that speaks loads about him. But your girl still cares about what he thinks, and that's causing the problems between you two.
The best thing you can do for now honestly is to give her some real space. Don't call her or text her for some time, at least a month or two. I know it's hard, and it's going to hurt, but the way she's acting now, you won't make any progress if you try too hard at this point - you'll only make her more upset and "hate" you more.
Don't blame yourself for this either. A lot of times when people say "I hate you" what they really mean is that they hate a situation they're being presented with. So in your case, "I hate you" is more her saying "I hate that I have feelings for you but still like my ex and I hate that my ex is being a jerk because of our texts." Don't take it personally.
Let her alone for a while and hopefully in some time you can get back in contact and at least see how she is doing. (You'll need to prepare for the possibility that she ends up back with the ex, but at least you can let her know at that point that you do care and just see what happens.)
Best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): Not your fault, she played a dangerous game and got burnt. Sounds like she two timed her BF with you and it blew up on her face.Cease contact with her and move on.
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