A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am looking for some advice or suggestions on what I should do in my current situation with my Friends With Benefits guy. disclaimer: this is long!Last March I broke up with my bf of 4 years as we fell too much into the "just friends" category and although i loved him, i was no longer "in love" with him. about 2 weeks after this, my manager's best friend (whom i've talked to here and there when he stops in to our workplace) asks me randomly to hang out since we both had the day off. i figured why not? it's not like i had an overabundance of friends at the time, plus it was my day off... why not? it was a very laid back day, just movies and talking. Two days later, it was his b-day and he asked me to come over after i got done closing at work to see him. I did... we watched a movie and he randomly kissed me (he was drunk) and i stopped him. i left. then thereafter we had a period of time where we didn't really speak, but eventually crossed paths due to mutual friends.the long story short of the summer months is that we ended up in a FWB situation and he's only the second guy i've ever slept with. there was one really bad incident where he got a little rough and freaked out on me because i wouldn't do some things he wanted and then we again went a month without speaking. now moving forward into the fall season... we've since slept together a few more times. mind you the sex in the beginning was mediocre at best and somewhat awkward. the next few times seemed to get better and better as my feelings were growing for him.now we are here... present day. i admit it. i fell for the rebound guy... i really like him. everyone tells me he is a jerk and i deserve better. ok this is somewhat true... he cares about himself first and is almost entirely too sarcastic. last Monday, i was out at the bars with a few friends and i texted him that "i like you." then a few days later he texted back "whats up drunky" and i went over there and hung out. he asked me about the text and instead of owning up... i chickened out and avoided the opportunity to be completely honest. we ended up sleeping together again that night and it was amazing.Friday, NYE, he came out with me and my manager/friend and a few others... and at the bar... my manager (his best friend) and him had this serious discussion about me... right in front of me, but it was so loud i couldn't hear anything. it was more or less my manager telling us both to stop and telling my FWB that he needs to be nice and just cut it off. i appreciate the fact that my manager cares enough to try to protect me because he knows i am hurt by the FWB sometimes, but really it wasn't his place. so to remedy the situation, i went over to FWB's house unannounced to catch him off-guard and told him to his face i like him. asked him if he considered us friends or just sex buddies... he said he supposes we are friends but he doesn't really have friends. i told him i am ok continuing with what we have going on if he is. that i find him fun and the sex is enjoyable and again reminded him i like him. he just kinda nodded and said yes, ok. and then i left. it's been two days and we haven't contacted each other... this isn't unusual. but then today i asked him to re-add me on facebook and he didn't respond/text back/add me. again, not that unusual for his personality. but i guess i just am wondering what your opinion of the situation is. did i scare him off by being upfront and honest? should i ask to hang out this weekend since we both have off? should i wait it out a few more days for him to make the first contact? do you think he meant what he said... that we are friends? or is the player inside him just telling me what i want to hear and now he's gone for good as my FWB? is he just scared of commitment? please tell me what you think... it's just i really, really do have strong feelings for him even though i know most of my friends think he's not worth my time.thanks and sorry this was so long...i just think more background info is better.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 I'm constantly bamboozled by how many people in FWB's don't seem to grasp that a large majority of FWB relationships end because one person seems to fall for the other and the feelings aren't reciprocated.
Listen to yourself, you sound like your just a doormat to him, oh please master, wipe your feet on me and I'll be here for you to do the same tommorrow.
Sorry to be blunt, its just frustrating seeing someone used so transparently... You're both getting different things from this, well its not a friendship according to him so lets just say "interaction". You're the one setting yourself up for a big fall here by staying and letting your feelings grow for him when clearly he doesn't feel the same way.
Please listen to your friends...
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 Ok this is really quite simple - you have allowed feelings to be involved with a FWB, whereas he has just kept this purely FWB.
IF you are going to have a successful FWB relationship then NO feelings, under any circumstances, can be present. As soon as you start 'falling' for that person then you have just entered a whole world of pain and created a great big complicated mess.
To make this clear to you - if he liked you and wanted a relationship with you then:
a) he would never have entered into a FWB with you
b) he would be chasing you, wanting to see you, take you out, etc.
Therefore yes, you are just his sex buddy and the reason why he is so cold with you on numerous occasions is because he is trying to distance himself from you. The more distant he can be, the less he can lead you on. Men are really very simple and it is obvious when they like you - they will be texting, calling and generally making an effort. If they are not that into you, or dont want anything serious, then they will be distant and only appear attentive and interested when you are actually together.
I am sure he enjoys your company and likes having sex with you - but there is nothing more I'm afraid. It's been nearly a year now of this FWB relationship, and if it was ever going to be more than just a FWB it would have happened by now.
So all I can suggest is that you break it off with him and cut contact, for your own sake. The feelings you have for him are not reciprocated I'm afraid and if you carry on pretending you are 'ok' with this FWB, the more you will fall for him and the more it will hurt when he meets some other girl or ends it with you.
FWB simply dont work if one person has feelings for the other - the whole point of FWB is supposed to be sex with no strings attached, just with a friend so it is not as bad as sleeping around with a stranger.
You seem to have got this FWB muddled up with a relationship, and unfortunately you should have known from the start that this was never going anywhere. FWB's simply dont turn into relationships because it never started properly, he saw you from the start as a source of sex therefore you will never be more than sex and a bit of fun. FWB girls are never girlfriend material.
It will be in your best interests to end this as soon as you can, you are only prolonging you pain by continuing this.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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