A
male
age
41-50,
*ub_dub
writes:I have a big problem. My wife looked through the history of my laptop and saw some porn sites I had went to. I'm living a few hours away from home because of my job, and get home on the weekends. She had seen that I had searched for MILFs and a certain actress. She is already really insecure about her body, especially since we've had a son and she thinks that she's fat and ugly because of the pregnancy. I've made it a lot worse. I want her to know that the searching for a certain girl or category wasn't some kind of fantasy or something that I'm looking for in life, or anything like that. In fact, I love the way my wife looks and get very aroused by her. I tried to tell her my side but she didn't seem to understand. I know men sex and women sex are very different, but I'm having a hard time making her see that the porn wasn't something I want, but something that I used to basically get it over with. Does that make sense? Her counter to that was, "Well why didn't you search for someone that looks like me?" I really have no answer to that, except that it wouldn't feel right watching someone that looks like her. I know it doesn't sound good already, but there's supposed to be some respect there for her. Its already disrespectful what I've done, and she is absolutely furious with me and has said she doesn't want me to come home this weekend and she'll call me when she wants. I've also noticed that she has added an ex-boyfriend on her myspace, and I have no idea when that happened. I'm supposed to be leaving for a few months, and I'm wondering if that has anything to do with it. This is a huge mess, and I don't know if I'm going to lose her and my son or if she'll forgive me. I haven't been exactly trustworthy in the past, not unfaithful but very selfish with my time and friends. I've said I'd change and I did for a while, but fell back in a rut. I'm really heading for a change now, because my family depends on it, but I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going to lose them.
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male
reader, djk +, writes (28 March 2009):
hey i didnt read everything but just go to her make her a romance time ( a nice dinner with candels ) nd do it with her hard even if she is pregent do it on her ass (if it is allowed ) or even make ur dick stand on her masturbate on her let her suck urs make her feel that she is the 1 nd
A
male
reader, justadvise +, writes (28 March 2009):
As long as you're willing to work at it. I'm sure you can work it out.A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009). Well like i said, some female understand that and some don't. Luckily i have a girl that understands that. I'm in Japan right now and will be here for at least a year. With watching porn...she said as long as i don't cheat on her. Porn is keeping me faithful right now, though i can't tell you what she is doing...I just know that i'm keeping my side of the deal.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): Yeah go get an ipod and download more porn and keep it at work!!! ARE YOU FOR REAL!!! Creating more lies is the way to go!!Seriously this happened with my hubby and he nearly did lose me and 2 kids. You have created lots of mistrust. I still dont trust my husband. We are still together but after a long haul with this issue.After him repeatedly doing this...I cheated coz he wasnt paying me any attention, just his PC.How would you feel if your wife did this? You have to get your priorities in order...porn or your family...its your choice...just dont blame her if she is looking for another man to make HER feel special...coz it was your fault in the 1st place!
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male
reader, dub_dub +, writes (25 March 2009):
dub_dub is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry, I should have made it clearer. I'm in the military and can't quit the job, I have a contract to fulfil. The porn is already done with, no more of that. You guys are all right, it's very degrading to women, especially to the one I love. I do love her dearly and its true, I do need to grow up. There are definitely trust issues, I haven't exactly been the best to her. I know I should have, but there was something there that was always pulling me away. Not another woman or anything like that, it was more in house. Justadvise, I know where you're coming from. Those long stretches away from home are real hard, and I've seen way too many guys (and girls) cheat while away, and even when I wasn't married I thought it was stupid. Why get married if you're going to do that to them? I guess it could go the same way with porn. I've told her I'd do anything to get her trust back, and I really mean it this time. I have a family to think about. If it means getting rid of the computer, or my car(that's a different story-maybe I'll write about it later!) then I would do it if it makes her happy. Again, thanks to all. I really appreciate all the help. I hope she calls me so we could talk!
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A
male
reader, justadvise +, writes (25 March 2009):
I see...you're in the military...hey me too. I know what you should do now. It's gonna be hard to quit the military but also doesn't help if you're gonna most of the time. You should do what most other here have said "tell her you love her and she's the only one you want. take her out treat her well." As far as porn goes...keep it at work. Buy a ipod and get materials from friends and keep that there. Once you're home then don't be getting addicted to porn. I know that for me, I (and almost everyone else, even married people) watch porn when i'm deployed for months at a time. Though most females don't like the idea of watching porn cause it's degrading to women. Watching porn is the only thing that can help us (faithful) guys in-line. For me, watching porn and getting off lower my desire for sex. This helps me stay faithful to the one back home. Some female understands that and some don't. This is just my opinion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): I was going to reply to your question, until I read a your response to some of the questions. You say you are in the military and can't quit? You can't quit watching porn because you are in the military? Or you can't quit the military? If it's the first, then she deserves someone who can be fulfilled by her alone and not some sex fiend, there doesn't seem to be a bright future for you if you can't stop watching it. However if it is the military that you can't quit, then just make some home movies, and take some racy pictures of her. She might not look like the women you'd want to watch in porn but at least she'll let you come home on the weekend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): Well if you've messed up in the passed it might go beyond just watching porn, there's more likely some trust issues going on here, especially since you knew how she felt about it. And if you didn't need it why resort to it at all? If you wanted to just get it over with use some lube, or better yet, save it up and show her much you missed HER when you come home, you said you come home on weekends right, it's not that long!!! I seriously don't understand why men hurt their women with this. You probably don't want to hear this, but you need to GROW UP you are married, you seem to love your wife, and think she is very attractive and all you would ever need, so why torture her with this obsession? If you want to have great sex with your wife, sex where she will be confident in her body and secure with knowing you love the way she looks, make her feel like it by not watching women who have perfect bodies, that will only want her to not have sex with you, or even let you touch her!! Maybe because your'e a man you don't get it, but porn hurts women, it hurts the women who are on the screen many of them fell in to that and don't even want to do it, and it hurts the woman in your life. A woman should be respected every woman that watch in a porn is someones daughter, how would you feel if some man needed to just get it over with and decided hey this girl looks hot and it was your own daughter! Or what if you saw a girl that looked hot and wanted to watch her, and it turned out to be your own daughter! Think about it. God made the marriage bed for two.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): no wonder she feels this way...us women basically give up our pre baby bodies to give you men beautiful children (even if we are healthy weight , we get stretch marks, sags etc) and how do our husbands repay us??? by getting off to other womens naked bodies...real fair isnt it? NOT
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female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (24 March 2009):
 dub dub, i have always said this to people and i will tell u the same. porn, in general, is a grey area, its a mild form of cheating but, it is u nique for every persons situaution. guys have their hangups and insecurities which sometimes make them question their preformance in bed, and otherwise, it can make them feel inadequate, small in the llower regions etc, porn for a great many women makes them feel the same way... are they good enough, are they hot, are they sexy, do they make ur head turn like the girl performing on the movie ur watching? does she fulfill ur dreams? ur fantasies etc? in some extreme cases, porn can even render some women unable to orgasm because their so grieved and hurt and insecure. while a lot of men out there care that they can make their girl have the ultomate big "O", and feel very insecure and nervous wondering if shes reallly climaxing, or if shes faking ot, they do fail to realize that watching porn and knowing it makes their girl insecure etc, and continuing to watch it is selfish. no amount of excuses can justify hurting the one u make love to on a daily basis, the one u said "I DO" to, or plan to in the future. understand that while yes, some women do enjoy porn, for those who dont, in ur absence they are evr faithful, and holding down the fort, and keeing themselves sexually faithful and chaste to u,in mind body and spirit. but, a lot of men dont understand its just as frustrating to us women to go without sex. but, we also have respect to not watch porn, even though a lot of guys could care less if their wife did. we tend to be a little more mature and understanding that wed never do to our husband what wed never wish done to ourselves. on the other hand, why dont u suggest to her u and her make ur own home made porn, get sexyfied, get a little dirty, and let her know when u need a little alone time on those lonely nights in the military, it will be her u willl be watching. take some sexy snapshots of her u can sneak thats for ur eyes alone, of course u wont be sharing those shots or the movies with any buddies.lol. my bf and i solved our own problems by doing this. hes been porn free for quite some time now, gave away all his porn collection, (in front of me) never thought guilty for one second that he was doing something a lot of guys would smack him silly for. im computer savvy so i know my pc history, and even though u can erase the history, technically, there are still ways one can find out if u are smart enough. and i can safely say hes not visited any sites. in fact, hes very proud of himself he says, even lost his desire to go on sites. he says my happiness outweighs all else, and its a small price to pay. plus, now we have even better sex because my mind is free and clear of insecurities and doubts. we are both glowing in happiness, more then 75% of all our arguements and fights have been diminished,. and thats because the majority of them were about porn. old news for us both now. and we glow like a couple that everyone else envies and wishes they had it as good as us. my recommendation, if u love ur wife and it dearly sounds like u do, then believe that ur porn habit is merely that. a bad habit u have been doing for a while now, its poisoning ur relationship, and u want ur wife to glow with happiness once more. get rid of ur porn, make suggestions, to ur wife, u will see the remarkable change in her if u do this, and more. good luck, let me know what u thought of my advice. hope i could be of some assistance!!!!
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A
male
reader, dub_dub +, writes (24 March 2009):
dub_dub is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for all your input. Unfortunately, I'm in the military, and I can't quit. I do, however, want to show her I love her more than anything or anyone and it's hard with me far away for the whole week with only 2 days to spend with them. Squeezing 5 days of love into 2 isn't acceptable in my book. I definitely do need to tell her how beautiful she is to me more often than when I'm in trouble.
Justadvise, I think you're right about the way she sees what I was watching. She is more hurt about the type of girls than the fact I was even looking. You guys have given me a little confidence in what I need to do, and for that, I thank you.
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female
reader, BioGal +, writes (24 March 2009):
Watching porn is normal. Everyone has a different sex drive, and men's sex drive is typically higher than women's, so they need an outlet outside of the usual partner sex. Porn is pretty inoffensive as far as that outlet goes.
But, it's clear that your wife and family are more important to you than porn. You have to sit down with your wife and reassure her that she is the ONLY woman for you, and that you think she is BEAUTIFUL, (and list the things you especially like!). Then, you make her dinner, or you take her out to dinner (and get a baby sitter). Believe me, this will do wonders. She might be resistive, and non-receptive to your compliments at first, but don't let that make you give up.
Then, tell her you will not look at porn anymore (whether or not you do - and if you do, make damn sure you clear your history!). I also recommend setting aside one day a week where you do something special for her, the good news is, it will make your life easier and your relationship better!
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, justadvise +, writes (24 March 2009):
sorry dude...I don't think you're looking at the problem the right way...seems like she doesn't mind you watching porn just the type. As far as i know when watching porn you want to watch decent looking girls, why would you want to look for less (looking) then the one you're with? I think she would understand that too. I think the problem here is that you work far away and doesn't have a good pass (being selfish.) You want to know what you need to do? Quit your job or move them closer. maybe by then you won't watch porn as much and pay more attention to your wife and kid. I know it sucks but if you are really ready to make this work then sacrifice is a must. If you're willing to do that then that will show your wife you're willing to change.
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female
reader, nessasbeautie +, writes (24 March 2009):
Wow...I can absolutely understand your wife and her insecurities with just having a baby cause I am in the same boat. If you feel aroused by her and love the way she looks tell her that and not only when you've been caught being bad. Men have their own weird ways of being about sexual things I realize that but most of the time it makes us woman feel like you are looking for something we don't have! Be considerate for her and basically quit your Sh*t before you lose your family! You admit to being selfish and at least you realize your out of place I just hope you didn't decide to turn over a new leaf when it's to late! Good Luck to you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): most men watch porn, and even women, i know i do!its not that big a deal!i guess all you can do is reassure her that it doesn't alter your love for her, and that its pretty normal, and that you can stop watching it, if it would make her happy????good luck!
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