A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Right, well me and my partner have been living together for about 11 months in our own house. His sister has just broke up with her fella on sunday and she has come to stay here.. When i agreed to this i thought it would be for a week or two. Its not been long since shes been here i said to my partner last night that she needs a plan.. its not a permanant solution.. She is now putting a double bed in our spare room.. as at the moment shes staying on the sofa.. she said shes going to save up for a car then a bond and rent.. all of this seems to take time and i dont know if i am being unreasonable feeling that this is going to go on too long. When I spoke to my partner about it he basically said he would kick me out before he would kick her out. I now feel like this is no longer my home and that i should maybe move out if thats how he feels as this is my home not hers? I dont want to brake up with my partner as i love him alot, but the fact hes not giving me any support and i should feel at home? She also said that it may take upto a year before she moves out? i feel that is too long, to be staying with someone.. Her mum said she could go home but she is choosing not to. I am already feeling clostophobic and that its taking a toll on our relationship. Should I leave and go to my mums where i feel more at home than being actually in my own home? i dont know what to do?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 March 2013):
 Poor OP, that's a difficult situation. I understand your bf, that's his sister, he can't and he won't kick her out, he won't put a newish gf in front of his own sibling in her moment of need.
But I also understand you . It may be true that soon she won't be a guest but a roommate and as such less trouble etc., but- that's the point !, when you moved in with the guy you never asked for a roommate, if you had wanted a roomate you could have called YOUR sister or best friend to live there, wouldn't you ?.
A young new couple needs its privacy, its intimacy, its freedom, - they don't want to be " family " yet, if they wanted they can make babies, not host inlaws for up to one year or who knows, maybe more !
So, all in all, considering that she has anothere place to stay , with her own mother, I think your bf has been a good brother but a bad boyfriend, it may be difficult to balance both , but it really takes no genius to know that when you CHOOSE to go live with a partner you have to take their wants needs and preferences into account. He should have asked you , you should have negotiated and found a compromise about the length and the terms of this visit. Maybe " one week or two " could have been stretched to something more, with a bit of patience and flexibility on your side, she is your man's family and important to him, so he can expect you to show him support. But also , I think it's definitely not OK to decide something that threatens to become permanent ( one year ?! ) over you head. You live there too, and if you call it " our house " I assume you bought it together, or you share rent and bills, and anyway regardless of financial arrangements , he CHOSE to divide this space with you as equals- your opinion counts as his, and while you could probably be more flexible, he is not being flexible at all, he is just telling how it is going to be . Like it or lump it.
Uhm. If this is a preview of the shape of things to come- it's not good.
Yet, if you don't want to break up over this, I think your best bet would be moving out and going back to your mother, ideally in a non confrontational, non oppositional
way. I know it is difficult , it's a balancing act for a ropewalker or a professional diplomat, but ....
Maybe you can be sincere , talk to the sister and tell her that is nothing personal at all, but you know how you are, and you know that two cocks in a henhouse, or two females in the same territory :) may lead to frictions and tensions and resentments and little things can snowball fast, reason for which you are decamping and you are sure that in this way , with a little distance,you all will always get along famously .
Or, you can be passive aggressive and tell that your mom has been feeling lonely , or under the weather, and what best time to be a devote , doting daughter, than now when you know your boyfriend will have the company of his own
sister so he will miss you less.
Sigh.. you'll have to come up with something , I guess, - I understand that blood is thicker than water and your bf could not very well to turn this girl down, but I also understand how three would become a crowd , in these circumstances of not knowing when the guest is leaving, and of having your opinion and preferences totally ignored and dismissed. This IMO would lead to big, irreparable trouble soon, so, if you can, remove yourself from the situation without declaring an all out war.
A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (28 March 2013):
 It's only been a few days for all you know she'll be back with her man tomorrow! You know what relationships are like. She's going through a breakup, she needs some support, her mind will probably change as time goes on. Your boyfriend is probably a bit disappointed you aren't being civil to his sister. I'd do anything for my brother so if a boyfriend didn't understand that I wouldn't be impressed.
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A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (28 March 2013):
 I'm on Cerberus' side here. But let's talk through it a little more. Having guests is usually an uncomfortable thing. Having a ROOMMATE is not. Having guests means you have to be a host, have to cater to that person, and make them feel at home (although this really should be bf's role in this scenario). Roommates ARE at home and don't need that coddling.
I think the situation is that she still feels like a house guest and not a roommate. If you are really serious about your man you will support him supporting her /your potential sister in law(?) This is a test of your relationship, so if you really dig this guy and want him for the long haul, suck it up and pass the test! I think to ease the transition from houseguest to roommate, I think it IS fair to ask your partner that if she is staying here she needs to pull her weight- clean up after herself, not be blaring music at 5 am, take out the trash, something like that so it feels like she's earning her keep and not just squatting. Prepare your response if your partner does not agree on this front either though, he may feel like she can be here in any form she wants. Just remember it's HIS problem at the end of the day, if he's not taking care of things that she's doing that upset you.
To be clear, I'm not saying you gotta stay, but I do think there are ways to relieve your anxieties without the answer being the girl has to move out in order for you to be comfortable. you're going to serious damage your relationship if you do this (if your guy doesn't think less of you, his sister's will change that).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2013): If I a was in your position then I too would leave the home your sharing and go back to your mums. If not for the fact that he obviously didn't consult you or even consider your feelings in all of this but you don't feel happy, comfortable or inportant in your own home. If you can't relax and enjoy the home then your going to resent the both of them and the relationship will suffer. Whatever you decide though I wish you the best of luckx
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (28 March 2013):
Well, considering it's only been a few days you may want to work on your patience. If people can't depend on their family who can they depend on?
However, if you don't want her in your house after that it's absolutely your right to say something to him. It may end the relationship but that's your and his choice. But if you don't stand your ground you'll lose in more ways than one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2013): I love my family, we're very close .. And I have had sibling stay with me when their relationships have broken down and they had no where else to go.. However your partner's sister could go home to their mothers but is choosing not to..And his response for me would be a kick in the teeth.. Relationships that are young as in just 11 months together need time to grow blossom , hell your just getting used to his habits etc , it must feel very strange having now a complete stranger within what should feel like your home ..As very confused states.. Go home to your own family .. He not worth the tears or the angst if he can't see the woods for the trees then he needs to live with his sis and wait and see the rosey bubble will burst always does .. If she had no where to go.. I'd say maybe 6 months tops on her trying to find somewhere but she has her mum .. Your bf a fool .. And doesn't value your relationship ,, so yes leave .. Go home sweetie .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2013): I was a bit harsh in my last post but I just want to make it clear. My family are always 100% welcome in my home, they always have everything I can give to support them, I love my family and they're good people. No one can nor will ever come before my family and I would never stand for anyone I live with trying to make them feel they're ever unwelcome. Sounds to me like your guy is the same.
It's probably time you moved out OP, this is not how you want to live and you have absolutely no chance of winning a competition with his sister.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2013): OP it's only been 4 days since she broke up and since she had to move in. You don't even know what it will be like with her living there yet. She may be awesome to have around the house. You're not even willing to give his sister in need a place to stay and time with her brother to get her life in order again.
You quite literally don't give any reasonable explanation as to why you feel his sister is not welcome. You say it doesn't feel like your home because his sister is with you 4 days? Wow. After 11 months together you freak out after 4 days of her living there.
Do you hate her? Is she a bad house guest? Does she smell, is she rude? Why are you being like this? Does she put you down? Because you don't say OP and frankly to me you're sounding a little selfish.
OP if you came up to me and told me my sister wasn't welcome in "our" house, I'd tell you she comes up first too. You're the one making demands and showing no compassion whatsoever for her situation. Just threatening to break up after 4 days of her being there.
Guess what OP, no one gets to make my sisters feel they're not welcome in my home, there is no chance in hell I would kick any of my sisters out unless they'd behaved badly or I was sure they had somewhere to go first.
You basically said "choose me or your sister" well you have your answer OP. You can't beat family.
I honestly don't get what the problem is, you don't list anything bad about her that you would be this freaked out.
My sister came and stayed with me and fiancée for two months while we had work done to my mothers house. It was great. My sister is lovely, she's unassuming, cleans up after herself, loves my dogs, doesn't get in the way, her boyfriend is lovely and she gets on great with my fiancée. She was welcome to stay with us as long as she wanted as far as we were concerned, just the same as her mother was when she was recovering from surgery, she spent 6 weeks with us so we could keep an eye on her and she was welcome to stay too.
OP if my family aren't welcome in my home then neither am I. If this was one of your family members and you couldn't say how long they'd need to stay with you, would you really be so quick to kick them out? Would you not find it extremely offensive for your partner to start pressuring you after 4 days to get rid of them? Well you wouldn't feel like it was your home then either or maybe you just think helping family is just not your thing. I'd consider what you're real reasons are here OP and whether they're worth losing him for. If it's a case of you want a special little love nest just the two of you then how is losing him completely going to get you that?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 March 2013):
 Wow he would kick you out before he would kick her out?
if it's your home too (you pay rent, your name is on the lease etc) then you have some say and can talk to him.
if you just live in his home, clearly he doesn't think of you as a life partner if he's so caviler about being willing to render you homeless over his sister who just assumed she could move in without being asked.
I would pack my bags and go home to mum where you feel safe loved and important. That's if you don't own/rent the place you are in now.
IF you do, break the lease and leave him hanging then go home to mom.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (28 March 2013):
 Whose name is on the lease? How are the bills distributed? Doeshe pay most, do you or is it pretty much equal?
I underdstand the value of family, but this is also your home, and she does have somewhere else to go. If this is how it's going to be, that she lives there and you help support her until THEY decide it's time for her to go then I would move out and break up with him. No fights, no big scene, no explanations.
I would not even consider maintaining any kind of contact with him. Not enemies, but not friends and certainly not lovers. Just a complete sevring of all ties.
Speak to your mum first about making the necessary arrangements.
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