A
female
age
30-35,
*kit16
writes:I'm a lesbian who has been in love with the same woman ever since I was SURE I was a lesbian. After a couple of tries at relationships, me and the woman decided to remain friends and she is now with someone else. I'd like to move on as well, but the fact that I am still madly in love with this woman makes it hard to. I told her this and then told her I could no longer talk to her in order for me to move on. That meant no phone calls or texts. However, after we agreed to do this, she called the VERY next day. One day I asked her how she felt and she told me she loved me. I asked her why if she loved me, we were apart. She said it was because she didn't want the new relationship to be like the old failed ones. So I said "ok. Well, I don't like being in love alone so I have to let you go" her reply? "You're not alone. Im in love with you too". She has a girlfriend, mind you. Actually, when I asked if her and her gf were back together, she said "kind of". That was the straw that broke the camels back, seeing as how her current gf is VERY problematic and worse than me when it comes to a relationship!I've told her more than twice that being her friend only hurts me, but she keeps calling and she gets hurt every time I bring up the possibility of no longer speaking. I really want to move on because im tired of her being the only one I see a future with. She says she gets it and understands my pain but still pops up! Is this a sign of love or selfishness??? Why won't she let go? And how do I get over her when she makes it so hard and I still love her so much?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Skit16 +, writes (12 January 2010):
Skit16 is verified as being by the original poster of the question OMG I think that was a better answer than my own mother gave me! Lol....thank you so very much for that : )
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (11 January 2010):
 A. Is this a sign of love or selfishness???
Its both. She loves you and someone else has moved in on her heart. Leaving you in the cold. She's also selfish because she wants her cake and she wants to eat it too.
Sadly you want her to be monogamous with you, and she wants you to be monogamous with her; but she's also seeing someone else on the side.
This hurts you very much. So her half-way point is to still love you, and try to remain as close friends. Which of course hurts you, because you love her and want her in your life.
Some people can tolerate this. Most can't. You are in the "most" category whereas she is partly in the "some" category.
Plus, frankly she's hedging. By keeping you on a thread, stringing you along, she's keeping you from finding another woman to be with.
So its love and its selfishness.
But after all, what is love? Its partly selfish and its partly selfless. We want and most people need love in their lives, and they give love too. So in her mind, its a little bit of both.
B. Why won't she let go?
Part of the answer to this question is in Part A. She's hedging. She doesn't want to lose you or have you leave her life. But she wants her cake and to eat it. And so what you're going through is the "stay or go" phase.
As I said, she wants you in her life, but she's not at that point to sacrifice and be exclusive to you, which is what apparently you desire the most.
C. And how do I get over her when she makes it so hard and I still love her so much?
Its very hard. Let me make this suggestion for you. Even if you stop talking to her, and you still love her, she will always remain somewhere in your heart. For the people we truly love, we make a place or a home in our hearts for them and they remain deep down in there for our lives.
If she truly loves you, and you love her, tell her that you're in agony when she does this to you. That she's hurting you so much because she's not yours or in your life the way you want her to be; and cutting contact is the only way you know how to move forward and find a woman who will stay with you, and you alone.
I know this is so very hard, and I can appreciate what you're going through. Love is love whether its lesbian or straight. And the heart is strong yet fragile. She's breaking your heart right now and she has to know that you need that space from her so you can find true happiness.
The best thing to do is be blunt about this. And its very hard because your feelings and emotions are raw right now. It takes a strong person to remain friends with someone they are deeply in love with, but who has moved on to another love interest. You can't do this without time and space between you and her.
I hope this helps, and I can empathize with you because I see this as very difficult on your part, and somewhat cruel on her part (though unintentional).
I sincerely wish you the best and hope you can get past this. You seem to be a nice person simply trying for some happiness.
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