A
female
age
36-40,
*yisha
writes:I broke up with my abusive ex-bf 6 months ago exactly and I am worried that I am still thinking about him far too much. I have sought so much advice and tried to get on with life and have fun being single, but he is still in my head.Just to fill in some details, this was a guy used me to make himself feel better about his otherwise awful life. I heard a few weeks back through a mutual friend that he treats everyone like this, including his friends and this made me feel a lot better. I understand that slowly his life is going downhill also, and this also makes me feel like he's paying for what he does to people.However, I think what bothers me is not that I want to still be with him (as I really don't) but that I won't be able to find someone with his good points(as minimal as they were) and more to the point,unfortunately when I fell in love with him I guess I loved him for what he was (love is blind etc). This really doesn't help. I haven't contacted him and will definitely not be doing this ever!! But I just need to erase him from my heart, as this feeling of love is beginning to poison my ability to move on and meet other men. Any advice about how to do this? (although my feelings from the last few months of trying show this is very very hard!)I'm also worried about how long this is taking me!
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female
reader, Ayisha +, writes (29 June 2009):
Ayisha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks people! I really appreciate all the advice. It's easier some days than others. I am a beautiful talented person and just need to realise I have so much ahead of me in the way of positive things. I don't need the baggage.
I cried when I read love-struckxo when you said I have to admit it was a mistake. Interesting. Although I wasn't going out long, I feel it is still hard to accept I let myself get attached to this person. I sometimes think I am a stupid girl, but really it was down to inexperience. I am religious too and beleive in marriage, so when he said he would marry me I guess I was swept off my feet :( I guess the memories will fade with time, but for now I just need to completely cut him out of my life. I think by first of all accepting the 'mistake' I will do this. I am someone who finds it hard to allow things under my control to control me. I hope those of you who are still suffering these feelings eventually move on. I guess it just makes you stronger and although the relationship was a mistake, the lesson learned is something I will cherish. I have no regrets about that.
A
female
reader, Heartbroken-xx  +, writes (29 June 2009):
I was going to answer this question, but then I realized that lovestruck-xo said everything that needed to be said.
I wish you the best of luck
Keep your chin up.
xoxoxoxo
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A
female
reader, Psychic Amber  +, writes (29 June 2009):
 hi..
you've lost faith in relationships and men, give yourself a break from both and you'll find that someone will enter your life and help rebuild your trust in love and relationships..
Hope this helps
Amber
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): I am in the same position as you. My ex was a very disturbed guy and doesnt realise how controlling and abusive he is or that he is at all. I do not want to get back with him but I find myself constantly thinking about him and I just cant get close to anybody else. I think he has taken away something from me that was able to let people in and trust them. It been nearly 5months since we broke up and yes guys like that treat everybody the same. They have no care or love for anybody and they are very selfish people.
My ex is still emailing me begging me to take him back, he doesnt care that I dont want him and that I want to move on. It takes a long time to be the person you were once after being with a person that has taken so much of your time mentally and a person who has been in your life a long time. I dont think you miss him as a person but miss the experience of being with someone you deeply love. After falling in love with a person like that, well in my experience i find that because i fell in love soo quick with the wrong person, its very difficult to trust and open up your heart again.
You dont need another man, you need to make yourself happy before anybody else can. I think i need something more at the moment than any man can give.
When you think you dont need a relationship and you are happy in yourself you will want to be with someone rather than needing them. You will get there in the end, he might have ruined you life when you were with him but make sure he doesnt ruin your future and your happiness because that means he wins. Just think how lucky you are to be out of that situation becuase many women stay their whole lives with a men like that. Just count yourself as very lucky because many women arent as strong to realise they deserve more.
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A
female
reader, laura585  +, writes (29 June 2009):
Hey how funny. I'm in the same boat as you. Me and my ex-abusive boyfriend broke up about 6 months ago as well. I havent completely erased him from my mind either, we have two kids together so I do have to see him more often than I'd like to. Anyway I think when your with someone with so many problems your natural instinct is to care for him. Maybe he's in your mind because altho he treated you horribly, you know he needed you. You were in mommy-mode. Now you're trying to get on, as am I. I'm finding it hard, not because I still love him so much, but more because I feel like I need to wait for him to be ok before I can go and do my own thing. Maybe we are not in the same boat afterall. But I do not want to get back with him - ever. But he's still on my mind most of the time. I'm not really able to give you advice since I'm in a similar situation, but I guess I just wanted you to know that your not crazy, I understand what you're going through.
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A
female
reader, love-struckxo +, writes (29 June 2009):
 I understand that this is hard. Your relationship with him sounds like it had damaged your self esteem, and the ability to feel that you could be happy in another relationship.
You need to dig deeper. Do you think you are good enough for somebody else? Do you think you were good enough for him? Do you blame yourself for the wrongs in your relationship with him? Do you ask yourself, "If I would of done this, then maybe he wouldn't of done that?"
If so, these are some things you need to work on. First you need to clear your mind, and realize that the relationship was a mistake. You need to find peace and closure.
Most of us have a bad relationship at some point in our life, but just be glad you got out of this relationship as you said he was abusive, and nobody deserves that.
It takes time, and sometimes it takes people longer then others, and that's okay. Don't punish yourself because you can't completely erase him from your mind, I know you want to but it's just not that simple, although we all wish it was.
You are not alone, seek counselling if you think that would help you any. Surround yourself with people who love you and who you love, but most of all, learn to love yourself again.
At one point in time, I took lipstick to a mirror and wrote all the good things people have ever said to me, and I stared at it for the longest time. It reminded me that people do care about me.
Believe in yourself and others. Somebody will come along and make you happy, and you will fall inlove again. Have faith my dear. It will only be a matter of time.
"If your hearts filled with faith, then you can't feel fear"
- Cassie
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