A
female
age
41-50,
*xswtmaggiepie
writes:My husband and I have been together for almost 2 years. I have 2 daughters from a previous relationship and he has a son from a previous marriage. His son is 6 and very sensitive. His son still has many issues about his mommy and daddy divorcing, even though they divorced when he was 3 and my husband's ex moved away when their son was only 2.Lately we have been having issues w/the ex being very jealous of me. Just last week there was a family night at my step son's school and she talked to my husband about why I had to be there with my daughters. She said that it was a family night and that her son wanted her there and his daddy there, not his stepmom...now mind you, this was on a Thursday night, which is my husband's night to have his son for 2 hours, from 6-8pm. My husband tried to explain to her that I care about their son and it was a family night so I could be there. Then she brought up other issues of why I had to be there at all when she's there. She said that she gave birth to her son so why do I have to be around every time she is around? Well, my husband just explained that I am not trying to upstage her but I am now a part of their son's life and a part of his life and I will be there from time to time. Now here's the kicker...she mentioned the 3 of them doing things together to help their son, to make him happy...my husband seems to think there is nothing wrong with this...am I wrong for thinking there is A LOT wrong with this???Also, am I wrong for feeling that my husband should not have to give so much explanation about me to his ex wife. It seems that he spends a lot of time having to calm her down or help her feel better about herself. She is married and has 2 other children...shouldn't her husband be the one to help her feel better about herself? Am I wrong for asking my husband to keep their phone discussions to only topis that concern their son and nothing else?She has called him several times crying about the past and that she has moved on and that she has items in the hosue that remind her of him, etc. It's just tough for me to know that he has to coddle her because she is a weak person. What should I do???
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex, jealous Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): Your husband has to totally detach from this ex wife and keep all discussions on topic...meaning the well-being of their son. She should never be allowed to 'tear you down' or make disparaging remarks about his new family. You are not being unreasonable..she is being very disrespectful. .but this is a far too common scenario with divorced couples. One still has feelings for the other. It amazes me that the idea of choice has become such a volatile issue in these relationships. Now we know he can't change her. But he can choose to change his behaviors here. Your husband has the power to direct your life and this marriage in a positive way. So why isn't he doing that. She can't cut him off from seeing his son...he has legal rights and no judge will ever side with her on that issue. So, talk to him and tell him...to begin making the honorable, more appropriate choice and detach himself from being 'her' rescuer because that is a weakness in him he has to learn to rationalize and see that. You, your daughters and his son are his priority family, now. The ex wife needs to find her own way in life and she needs to heal herself and become stronger and quit being so emotionally co-dependent on 'your' husband. She has her own husband who should be filling those shoes. That's not your husband's job.
A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (12 December 2007):
 Stepchildren. I have a stepson if I knew then the things I know now I wouldn't have ever married a man with a child. It is not the kid it is the mother, I had this vision that we would get along and try to do what is best for the children her son and mine because they are brothers but her only concern is her child, what he wants, what he needs, and how he feelsand to hell with erveryone else involved. She is so jealous and selfish it makes me sick.The problem I have is because I am the step-mother I am expected to have those same feelings for her son as well as mine. If he is not the center of attention, and if our world does not revolve around him she creates total chaos.The only way stepfamilies work is if the adults are on the same page, and if she does not want you to play an active role in his life then I would not force it. Let him be a father, let her be the mother and stay out of it. You can love him from a distance and talk to your husband about the relationship he has with her. Express to him how unhappy you are about how he is dealing with her antics. She is no longer his problem, if she can not handle being a divorcee maybe she needs to give custody to your husband until she is mentally ready for facing reality. I bet that will straighten her up. You are his wife and your feelings should be more important than pacifying his ex.If she needs to talk to someone maybe she needs to call a therapist, or join an ex-wives support group. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, txswtmaggiepie +, writes (12 December 2007):
txswtmaggiepie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your help & advice. I have been so upset about my husband having to put up with his ex's antics. It's very stressful. He says that he is trying to keep her happy because if she's happy & understands that I'm not trying to play mommy to her son then their son will be happy...but it's still hard to see that side of it when all I see is that he is helping her & not putting my feelings first.
Thanks so much for all of your help!
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A
female
reader, txswtmaggiepie +, writes (12 December 2007):
txswtmaggiepie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your help & advice. I have been so upset about my husband having to put up with his ex's antics. It's very stressful. He says that he is trying to keep her happy because if she's happy & understands that I'm not trying to play mommy to her son then their son will be happy...but it's still hard to see that side of it when all I see is that he is helping her & not putting my feelings first.
Thanks so much for all of your help!
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female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 If this lady is so concerned with her son's happiness, surely it is not healthy for the boy to witness such hatred and disrespect in front of him?
My guess is that her only tool to still control your husband is to use her son to carry on with unresolved issues which still need to let go of.
What is best for the child is that all three get along in a civilized manner. You have the right to be present at such events as you are now part of his life.
If his wife been separated from your husband for over 3 years, it would confuse the son to be involved in a situation where they are playing happy mummy and daddy suddendly!
You and your husband need to support each other whilst his ex-wife finally accepts that you are together now.
Just because she has her own husband, it does not mean that she has learnt to "let go".
Having a child together, their bond is for life, but sometimes when people separate, one of the spouses has unresolved anger and will use any reason at hand to get back at the other spouse.
I would stress the importance of your husband having a conversation with her to explain that he will not be justifying his actions to her anymore, be a friend but nothing more emotionally. If your husband carries on as it is out of kindness, he is not helping her to get on her feet.
This is a step she needs to take on her own. Althought, she will in her own time, meanwhile she has cannot continue relying on your husband. It is not fair on either of you.
The way forward is not to determine who is right or wrong but to find a compromise for all three of you to find a way to get along so the sake of children involved. And for your happiness.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (12 December 2007):
 You need to tell your husband that he really needs to take a step back, take a real deep breath, clear his mind and think about this situation rationally. I don't know you. I read little information, and with the information you provided can tell, his ex is attempting to manipulate the situation.
She's married as well, how does her husband look at this situation. Being married, you are now the step mom, part of his family. Doing things just the three of them is going to cause problems. Children don't want their parents to get divorced, but at his age doing things just the three of them is going to confuse the heck out of this poor child. That really could cause big problems down the road.
I'm divorced, have been for 12 years. My daughters were the same way, they didn't like seeing us apart, 12 years later my oldest still gets jealous when there is a school function and her friends have both mommy and daddy there. All I can do is keep reinforcing that together we were no good. Not together we've become great friends, and they have two parents who love each other and have a relationship that we can work together on their behalf.
You need to tell your husband to step up to her and let her know situations have changed, the best is to work on behalf of the children where everyone gets a long on their behalf. It doesn't mean you have to like her or that she has to care much for you, but it's important that the kids learn how adults works together in a positive manner. They all learn from you guys.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): I have 2 step kids from my husband's past relationship and we had the same problems with his ex at first when they just broke up. He would talk to her on countless occasions and almost everyday, or everytime his kids call. She would tell him about her life now that he's not there, how she couldn't control the kids, how her kids from her previous marriage was giving her trouble...etc. And my husband would always try to explain things to her, teach her tricks to handle their kids, sometimes argue, other times talk, talk and talk about the same f*** things over every goddamn day! I finally had enough of it and told him to stop counselling her. He either move on with his life with me, because our house isn't a children and family services department. If his ex had issues, she should shut up and not bother my phone ringing all the time. Or, they can get together all they want and I will disappear from their picture. Anyway, he chose my advice and quit conversing with her unless it's about their kids. Which still bothers me from time to time, but it's better than nothing. He would also sometimes call her "my wife" or when talking to others that he would call her that and oh my goodness it drove me up the roof! But I gave him so much lessons that he'd remembered for life if he wants to stay with me. That's what you should do too and he should respect you for that. Forget about his kid or his ex. Don't try to be the angel stepmom by being involved in the kid's life. To be honest, it's not worth it. Because you can do so much for them, in the end you will always end up being the bad person because you are not his mom. Just stay out of trying to help your husband teach the kid, raise the kid, or being there. Let him do all that work, it's his job, not yours. I've tried so much with mine, but regardless, because when I cause them to feel bad for once in their life time, they ended up not liking me forever. So I told my husband I will never CARE for what goes on with him and his kids. If he has issues with them, I will not ever give advice as to how to deal with them, or teach them anything, because it's none of my business. If you can stay out of this mess being a stepmom, it's the best thing for you. Trust me. I've been down that road, in the end it really hurts because you care too much. So put that caring sympathy on hold until an appropriate time.
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