A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband doesnt like having sex with me. It really depresses me so much - I see people on TV etc in love scenes and it upsets me. I have been with him since I was 17 and the only man I have been with. I know people have good sex lives but that is something I daydream about everything - this is all I have ever known. Now we have been together for 10yrs and it has been like this the whole time. It upsets me because I am still in my 20s so my body is still young, slim, subtle etc - I go out and get alot of attention but my body and looks is wasting away, soon I would be in my 30s then would start loosing my looks. He has been like this since the beginning, at first I thought he was shy and would change but nothing. Over the last 10yrs I have tried everything believe me - taking intiative, dressing up, going to great lenghts to look good, doing things he likes, talking to him - telling him how I feel, crying, giving him space, not pushing him, taking him on romantic breaks to de-stress him from work etc, tried doing things to "spice up" our love life - even tried introducing another woman into the relationship to have 3sums but still he was rarely interested then. What man says no to two women? Nothing is wrong with him - he has never been abused or had bad experiences, he just has a very low sex drive and little interest in it. Apart from that he is a great man - the greatest most wonderful husband and I love him dearly. It is the only problem in our relationship - always has been.....some years it is worst than others; I swing from being severely upset, feeling low, disdainful, unattractive to not caring or wating it. As time has gone by thankfully it has been more of the later. I do pleasure myself alot but after sometimes I just lay there crying knowing this is what my life is reduced to. I have been to the doctors to find medicine to make me not have sexual desires but there is no such thing. I do not want to leave him nor do I want to cheat (never have, never will) but not sure how to cope sometimes. I am not going to pressure or make him have sex with me because pity sex feels even worst. He just has a really really low sex drive and believe me I have tried everything possible so I have just accepted it now.I dont need advise on my hubby as I KNOW he will not change and believe me I have tried just about everything anyone can suggest in regards to him...nor do I want to leave him - apart from this he treats me like a queen...so its more so on me and how to learn to cope better in this situation.Thanks all x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): Leave him! I met my hubbie at 17 still with him 27 years later and never had a regular sex life.I wish I had left him while I had a chance to meet someone who wanted sex with me....
A
female
reader, sadeyes1  +, writes (8 June 2008):
you know i read your question and some of the answers and i have to ask: "have u ever sat him down and explain to him how you feel and the effects it is having on you?" if not then do that.also, i think somewhere along the line here you are in some type of denial start facing the trueth, you know what it is. DEAL WITH IT! and if it means letting him go and moving on with your life, then DEAL WITH IT! sure, you'd say easier said than done but why get married to be "un-happily ever after" three things may be going on here if you ask me 1. he's gay and trying to stay in the closet because men are supposed to be all "visual" and if you have done it all you should have at least been able to get a little "nookie", 2. he has someone else and has been with her since your troubles start. You see my exprience is that men aren't as sophisticated as us women in hidding their "mystery" affairs and that's why i say you already know the answer to your question luv, TRUST YOUR INSTINCT! AND 3. well, depending on the type of job he is doing maybe he is clinically depressed, stressed out or overworked.You're in the situation, so stop living in denial and start Dealing with it.Life's too short luv.
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A
female
reader, Yogichickk  +, writes (23 October 2007):
 The fact that he may not like sex with you is understandable only to him but why doesn't he please you in other ways? Maybe he never took your needs seriously enough to act upon it? Here's my analogy: he just ate and you are starving. He cannot relate to what you are going through unless you (a)starve him (impossible because he does not care about sex) or (b)get his attention in a manner in which he'll want to act and without feeling your hunger giving you food that you so desire.(By the way, if you were to ask him if he feared your leaving him, I bet he'd answer that you never will.) Is he taking you for granted? Because in marriage sometimes we do things we don't want to do for each other?
I think, you may have trained him to react the way he does.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): Tell him to go and see the doctor. I know some people will say that he just has a low sex drive and that is the way it is, however I tend to think if one is healthy and happy they will have a healthy sex drive. Does he smoke, is he overweighgt, does he not get enough sleep, do enough exercise - all of such things could be contributing to the problem. He could have low testosterone or any other number of things. Could he be gay?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): Hi all, thanks so much for your advise. The anonymous female reader seem to know how I feel - and she is totally right, it is not a communication problem. In fact my husband and I have amazing communication - we speak to each other about every thing and we are best friends. He calls me 2 and 3 times from work just to say he misses me. So communication between us is excellent.
Believe me I have spoken to him about this numerous occassions. But he has been like this from the very start-we never had a period where we were at it all the time and couldnt keep our hands off each other. I always thought he was just shy and after he got used to me would be more open but it never happened. So he hasnt suddenly changed, what has changed now is that we had more sex back then as I made more of an effort and would talk about it alot more, sometimes argue, sometimes cry to him, sometimes beg him, tryin being adventurous, try doing things that might turn him on....but trust me nothing is more embarrassing that going to great lenghts buying & dressing up in sexy undie etc to just be turned down! I have tried thinking of it from a man's point of view also-but he says no to blowjobs, 3sums with really hot girls, porn, massages, me stripping for him.....everything I try! Besides, a woman needs to feel sexually desirable and attractive - by me always making that effort or trying to talk him into it made me feel even worst....pity sex is very demoralising....therefore now I just dont bother anymore & dont talk about it as much, so it never happens. These days the most I may do is I might ask him if he wants to have sex and he generally says no so I leave it at that. Sometimes if I want it bad enough I would just play with myself while he is just lying next to me but he just lies there. So yes he knows exactly how I feel and how much it upsets me but its wrong to force anyone to have sex if they dont want it - almost like "blackmail rape". Plus I hate how it feels when he has sex with me out of pity or him feeling bad about it.
So trust me when I say there is no ground that I havent covered already in terms of him and how to fix it. I realise it is now ME that I have to fix in terms of learning how to deal with my sex drive or perhaps not desire sex as much. Please give me advise on this and how to cope. It has been 10yrs and it is not as bad as in the first year or two, I cry less and dont need sex as much; just sometimes I have my bad days. He is a great guy-alot of my friends always talk about how he is their ideal man and he is! This is just our only problem and its a problem we have always had. I know I would never find a better man who would treat me like him and I think that is much better than having a guy who doesnt treat me as well yet wants to sleep with me. So I do not want to leave him for this.
PS When I said 30s I did not mean to offend anyone - I meant that I am a woman in my 20s - I am slim, my boobs and bum is still pert, no stretch marks, cellulite, wrinkles etc....I just meant that I am still young looking and it upsets me that while I am at this age - where I am at my peak and people are still attracted to me, my sexual youth as been completely wasted...not all women but alot when reaching their 30s , 40s etc their bodies start changing because of age, but that hasnt happen to me yet but while I still have everything of a young woman that may be desirable, I am with a man who doesnt desire it- and it upsets me as I feel my whole 20s has been wasted away, thats all I meant.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (22 October 2007):
 First, don't be knocking us in our 30's. I want to tell you a few things. Instead of looking at sex as just being sex, lets look at the emotional end. All though he has a low sex drive, that doesn't mean he should be able to deprive.
Sex in marriage can be a magical part of the marriage. Two people who love each other, sharing themselves with the other person, wrapped up as one, sharing a piece of that love with each other, entangled in ecstasy.
It can be much more than just the act its self. I can't believe he turned down a 3 some. You really went all out to get this boy into bed. I'd just talk to him and explain to him why you need this, and not just because you're horny. Explain to him that he treats you wonderful, you love him, but the pleasure of having sex with your husband is a need that you have. You understand his sex drive is not the highest, but talk to him and try to figure out some ways you can make it pleasurable for him as well. Ask him what he would enjoy. Maybe he's just not open with his sexuality, but by talking to him you might be able to open that up. If not, go to a counselor and discuss methods that may not have been tried yet to open this side of him up.
Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Yogichickk +, writes (22 October 2007):
The tough thing is that he cannot relate to your experiences. He may be able to "work" with you if he understands you. How you are going to get it across I don't know. You have hope only if he loves you dearly.
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