A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Alright, I've been going out with my girlfriend for about five years now, since we were sophomores in high school. We've survived the transition to a long distance relationship in different universities and are completely committed to each other. I love her to death, we match completely in terms of personality, sense of humor, outlook on life, etc., and I know that sometime in the future, I want to ask her to marry me. The only problem is, she's becoming a fat sack of lard. She's a tiny asian girl that's gone from a smoking hot 110 lbs to a moderately off-putting 155 lbs, whereas I work to maintain the same kind of body I had in high school (partly for me, partly for her).Honestly, no matter what she looks like, I know that I still want to be with her for the rest of my life. But I don't want to have to fake sexual attraction for the rest of my life, or at least the part of it where I actually still care about sex. How do I solve this problem tactfully?
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male
reader, lovestrangelove +, writes (16 October 2009):
Man, you have based this relationship on the petite sexy asian female myth and now you're not getting that fantasy anymore.If I truly love my gf, I wouldn't be saying this kinda stuff.But... if my girl doesn't seem to care about her look for me. Then I'd be having beef with her as well. Women tend to get comfortable until it's too late...
A
male
reader, mytwocents +, writes (14 July 2009):
 Even though I don’t necessarily agree with your choice of words (the already criticized “fat sack of lard” description), I totally understand your frustration.
I can be upsetting for men AND women when their partner lets themselves go. But for us men, who place an especially high value on physical attraction, it can be particularly upsetting. Women sometimes have a hard time understanding this, and crucify us for being “shallow,” but they have an equivalent too. To use a ridiculous example, it would be like if a high-quality guy were to let his charm and success go (if that were possible). He simply let himself become a stale, boring, broke loser overnight. The girlfriend would be calling him names, and asking her girlfriends what to do about it, too. The truth is everyone--regardless of gender--wants to keep the things that drew us to our partners in the first place.
So what do YOU do?
I can tell you from experience that in many cases these things remedy themselves pretty effortlessly. I’ve had this happen twice. The first time around, my girlfriend ballooned from a fit 125 lbs (she was about 5"5’) to over 165 lbs. She actually weighed more than I did for a while. It wasn’t a big deal for me at the time, but I made her realize the situation by complete accident. At the time, I was taking tons of pictures with my camera. She eventually saw her NEW pictures side-by-side with her OLD pictures. She said, “wow, I’ve gotten fat.” Within a couple of months, she'd taken up her favorite pastime again (running), and got into better shape than we I met her.
I doubt this will work for you, but I think you SHOULD do something. I couldn’t tell from your post if you’re still long distance, but if you’re not anymore, you could try getting her to exercise with you. Pick an activity and ask her to do it with you.
Or, if that’s too subtle, you can try asking her if “she’s been feeling okay about herself lately.” When she asks what you mean, tell her that you couldn’t help but notice that she’s put on some weight. And, even though you “still find her attractive,” you’re wondering if her weight gain has something to do with how she’s feeling about herself or feeling about some "other problem going on in her life." She’ll get the message and maybe open up to you about something you don't even know about.
Plus, you’ll seem like a prince--even though you’re a dog like the rest of us.
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A
male
reader, venisonstew +, writes (14 July 2009):
the best way is to take time to cook healthy meals together. if she does eat something fatty, don't make her feel bad about it. when i was growing up i ate a lot and got very heavy. i was 280 at one point. im down to 210 now, still got a little way's to go. how did i lose the weight? when i was young, having a brother being a personal trainer, and my cousin who lost a lot of weight, used to talk to me all the time about losing weight. i had other issues as well, and whenever they would talk to me, although they meant well, i'd wind up feeling like less than nothing, and yessing them while what they said went in one ear and out the other. when i was 18 i moved to another state after i graduated highschool. i rarely get to see them anymore. i'd say a year or two after i moved the weight started to come off. a person can only lose weight when they are ready to do it for themselves. when people are constantly told they need to lose weight, as well intentioned the other person may be, they are only harming them in the long run. the weight is slowly coming off, but i don't miss food, and i refuse to do arithmetic to determine if i can eat it. i look at the ingredients before i look at nutrition facts. also if it has scientific names i cant pronounce, i won't eat it. also common sense also determines what i eat.BABY STEPS IS THE ONLY WAY TO LEARN TO WALK THROUGHOUT LIFE
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