He wants to be with me, but he doesn't want to leave his wife and kids

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships

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Question - (14 July 2009)

5 Answers - (Newest, 31 July 2009)

A female age 36-40, *K85 writes:

i am hoping you can help with my dilemma. about 15 months aho i started seeing my boss from work. we had only been seeing each other fr a week when we left our partners, the click that we felt as that strong. anyway, he only managed to stay the evening before deciding to go back to his wife...a few days later though, we were back to seeing each other. he was always honest with me and said he couldnt see how things would change in the near future for us to be together, so i plodded on. he said he was only really there for the kids, as his dad left his mum when he was young and he knows first hand what damage that can do...however his dad left his mum when he was 15 and his children are current 4 and 6.

we carried on the affair for 8 months and in that time he was at my house most nights until 1am....we went awy a lt together and were pretty much like the ordinary couple. Everyone at work knew it was going on and he was happy to parade me round as his girlfriend. anyway things started coming to a head a xmas when i was getting fed up of living my life always on his schedule, and he was saying how he couldnt live the double life anymore. he always maintained how he loved me and eventually on boxing day he left his wife and moved in with me. we lived together for 6 months, and most of the time it was pretty blissful, but towards the end we started rowing a lot becuase he kept saying how guilty he felt over what he had done.

a few weeks ago he came home after being out with his friend. i used to ask him 'if she asked for you back, what would you say?' and up until that night he always said he wouldn go back, he was with me because that was what he wanted, but on this occassion he said he hadnt been honest with me and it was time to start being honest. this happened on the Wednesday, and it was only three days previous that he came come in bearing gifts saying ho much he wanted to make it work...anyway we split up and he went back to the wife. he was being quite nasty and abrupt with me fo a while, which is completely out of character for him, but then he began to change back to himself. he started emiling me telling me how much he had missed me, and that when he left his wife, he felt guilty for what he had done to them, so expected to feel the same way about me, and that it was better to feel guilty about upsetting one person than 3. but, when he had finally got home, he realised that leaving me had felt completely different and that it had actually left a huge hole in him....for a while i stayed strong and was civil, teling him that he had made his choice and that should be respected. i said to him that i wished him and his wife the best of luck, and even suggested they should try counselling, which he agreed. i told him all the things he had done that made me feel horrible and told him not to make the same mistake again.

eventually he asked me to have an affair snd started asking me if he had lost all hope of ever being with me. after a short while i agreed, simply becuase i wanted my own back, and as mad as it sounds, to make it easier for me at work until i found something else. he still says how much he loves me, how he cant get me out of his head, that if he did his chance again he would never have left, but hat he owes it to his boys and to his wife to make a go of it. Then, i found out they are actually going to Relate for marriage counselling, and when i asked why, he said he wanted to be able to look himself in the eye and say he did his best to make his marriage wrk, so i asked him why the hell was he still seeing me if that was hat he wanted and his reply was 'because you are you....and i will never meet anyone like you again'...he said he imagined scenarios whereby she found out he was still seeing me and then his choice would be made for him...or that his wife turned round and said she didnt think it was working, so he could walk away guilt free!

what i want to know is, what is going on in his head, what does he want and what is it by the sounds of it does he think of me?!

View related questions: affair, at work, moved in, my boss, split up

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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, lovespice +, writes (31 July 2009):

He's your boss?

Good.

Blackmail him for money and tell him if he doesn't take care of you, you will sue him for sexual harassment.

Then dump him.

Don't let him get away with it. If you value yourself at all, learn to have the upper hand and you do have the upper hand. He stands to lose a lot if you keep playing the victim. He cheated on his wife and knows what he is doing. You gave him his cake, now make sure you hold the spoon that feeds him that cake.

Girl, you can do so much damage and win and walk away from it all. Don't sweat it.

NEXT.....but the next one better be a single man.

Got it?