A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:About a week ago my fiancé through tear filled eyes told me she had just tested positive for HPV and had to get a biopsy for cervical cancer. Turns out she had tested positive for it before we met, but it hadn't shown up on any tests for a while so she thought she was over it. Never mind that HPV can stay dormant in the body for a lifetime, and that you can give it to your partner years later. Anyway, I was extremely supportive. She has had a promiscuous past and was worried that she had jeopardized her future family for a few drunken hookups. I held her close told her I loved her and that it wouldn’t change our relationship at all. So while I was strong and caring on the outside, I was dealing with the fact that I now not only had HPV myself, but was truly worried that the woman I love and am planning to marry might have cancer one day because of this. During this time, I found a small bump on myself down there. I had that initial panic about what it might be. So I did a little research on herpes using our home computer. I thought to myself. “Well, if she gave me HPV because she didn’t know she had it, could she have given me herpes too?” Turns out it was just a clogged pore. I cleared it out and the bump went away. I soon forgot about my little research session and went happily with of my life.Last night she saw in our internet browser history that I had researched herpes. She asked me why I looked it up. I told her about my bump. She then immediately took it personally and got upset! She couldn’t fathom why I could have for an instant thought that she might have given me herpes! She thinks that I think she’s a slut now. She was still upset about it this morning. What did I do wrong?I’ve been 100% faithful to her, so she’s the only person I could have gotten it from. If she had contracted HPV from a prior hookup, why is it wrong that I could have thought she may have contracted herpes the same way? It’s not like I thought she was cheating or anything! Why can’t I lookup or research something on our home computer without her taking it personally?Is it reasonable that I’m frustrated about this?
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female
reader, michelleAKAmandi +, writes (6 October 2008):
 This is so not your fault and yes it should frustrate you. She is probably still dealing with stress of finding out that she has HPV and then the addition of this all of a sudden made her react. I'm not saying she acted in a manner that she should have, but I can see her stress.
As far as you are concerned, you have every right to check these things out so you are safe. Explain to her that it was a mere worry because of what was going on with her finding out the news about the HPV.
If she remains upset with you, then she really needs to get a clue. Don't let this little spat cause too much trouble between you guys. It seems you have something nice together.
Communicate with her and clear the air so you guys can be happy again.
and for what it's worth... YOU know you're not wrong for doing as you did, so don't add fuel to the fire by saying, it's not my fault. Just talk, be a big person about the fact that you guys may not end up agreeing on this and make things better.
I sure hope this helps.
Get those smiles, laughs and love back between you guys!!
Michelle
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): HiFirst things first if YOU have a lump yourself, please go to the doctor and check it out it could be something else, quite serious if left unchecked and not herpes.do not ignore it. Secondly it is no use blaming each other and feeling guilty just do the best you can to come through this time,,or you will go around in circles getting nowhere but angry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): Hi. I think you have every right to be confused, frustrated, upset. Obviously you are a very sweet, caring man. I think your lady is just scared, insecure, and probably feels very guilty about everything, and you are the first person in the "line of fire". She shouldn't be upset with you for being concerned, its rather unfair, but just try to reassure her that you were just trying to take care of yourself. Sounds like she is very emotional about all of this and (which is very understandable!) and just isn't seeing everything clearly. Just continue to reassure her. She should consider herself very lucky to have someone so understanding. I hope she knows that. Many men would have been so angry! Good luck, I hope it all works out.
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A
female
reader, Gio  +, writes (6 October 2008):
Hi,
Firstly, you haven't done anything wrong. And yes, it is natural that you are feeling frustrated by the situation you are going through.
Your girlfriend's reaction, I would think, is just due to insecurity. Not on your part, but on herself. Perhaps feeling that she has messed up his future opportunities of having a family? that she might get cancer? And she might be just releasing all her frustrations on you, the person that she knows can count on no matter what.
In your own loving way, holding her close to you, you will be able to ease her worries, to explain to her that if you check on your health is also to protect her, to make both of you healthier and stronger, so you can share that long happy future together...
Best of luck
Gio
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): If she's annoyed about this, look up 'Testicular Cancer' and see what she makes of that.
I think if I were you, and going on what you've said about her promiscuous past, I'd also be looking up HIV!
Maybe a good idea would be to copy and paste what you've written here and put it into a word document then leave it on screen for her to see without her going snooping.
And to answer your question - yes, it is.
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A
female
reader, kabbalahmalka +, writes (6 October 2008):
 Hi. It appears that you are very caring and concerned about your partner, your relationship, and yourself. So, you are not doing anything wrong.
This is a sad situation, and not only calls for continued compassion, but for new ideas and decision-making as well.
When you make a commitment to marry, you are in a very exclusive realm of existence. An engagement should be a time that is like a test for marriage. If you are suffering because of your relationship during an engagement, there are reasons this occurred.
One of the main reasons with problems during engagement is that you did not cover all of the bases before saying "I Do." This includes considering such aspects as Wisdom, Psychology, Intimacy, Reverberation, and more.
All of these topics are discussed in my ideas about dating on my website: www.kabbalah-dating.com
I hope you can go there and take a look and also contact me (Malka) for further advice.
Good luck!
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