A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 7 months now and been together with my husband for 2 years. I feel my marriage is very boring and I am missing and longing for more. I never got a real wedding proposal from him, we were sitting on our computers when he said.. will you marry me. No declaration of his feelings, no intentions, nothing. I said yes because I did love himand we have a child together. When we got married there was no friends or family around and we never wrote vows. I have asked him to write me some now because I am missing something so much. I feel bored and so unhappy. I know no marriages are perfect but I dont thinkI should feel this way after 7 months. Maybe after 10 years. He does care about me but he never makes any effort to my needs. I basically have to tell him in detail what to do to make me feel good and loved and if he remembers to do it, it is nice for a few days then it slips back to nothing again. I feel like I am dating myself sometimes. I do love him but should I stay with a man just because he is nice, doesnt abuse me mentally or physically? what about love and being in love? or just being happy in a marriage? I dont know what to do. I feel like giving up already to be able to find what I am looking for. Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe biggest problem is, and it is such a cycle that repeats itself, we have been here before and he tries to do some things for about 2 or 3 days, then it stops all together again when he gets happy and comfortable then it all happens again. It's like he completely forgets that just because we are married doesnt mean we stop putting effort in. I tell him, we are like roomates because roomates don't need as much attention to details. I heard that marriage is like a plant and you have to take care of it in order for it to grow. If he keeps going on a constant marriage vacation then this plant will eventually dry out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): Hi well I think that you may have to deal with your issues first, Does he say he loves you?...My husband says it all the time, (but not sure he mean's it most of the time) it's just a word!.. Think about your child, but don't stay for her/him you must think about you and what you want out of life, life is not a rehersal, as I see it, we enter this world by ourselves and we leave this world by ourselves, what we do in the middle is up to us, I'm not saying we go around hurting everyone in our lives but isn't upto us to decide what's right and what's wrong in our lives. Good luck and have strengh whatever you decide.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): I think you should have a gentle "heart to heart" with him. Men just don't think like us girls, and they show their affection in ways that we don't consider as true affection. My husband thinks going to the store for me is saying "I love you"...(LOL)..seriously..gently tell him what you feel, perhaps he just doesn't have any idea how you feel. And men, for the most part, don't have a clue how to be romantic. Forget about the romance novel, and movies..in real life, most guys really don't have a clue....Hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think when I said I "loved him" I meant I feel like I am falling out oflove with him. I feel as if we are roomates alot of the time. I like the idea of asking him why he married me. He will say because he loves me and I am nice. We have already gone through councelling for this exact same reason. He was good for a while then started to fall back into his old ways. It is like I am not worth it. I tell him that if he put in as much effort into me as he did his music and work I would be very happy!
My outlook on our relationship is I am selfless for him and his needs and he for mine then we will be taken care of and happy. This advice comes from ym Aunt and Uncle who are happily married and have been for 30 years. He still leaves the toilet seat up etc but those things are nothing if you are happy and fullfilled.
Thank you for all your advice :)
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A
female
reader, Babes123  +, writes (6 October 2008):
I think you should tell him how you feel. He has a right to know how you feel. Maybe he has something to get off his chest too.
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A
female
reader, kabbalahmalka  +, writes (6 October 2008):
 Hi. This is kind of what happened to me when I got married--I suddenly felt very lonely. I'm sorry to hear about this!
Here are some suggestions:
1. Enjoy every moment with your child. Children give unconditional love for many years, and you will make them happy by focusing on them!
2. Learn about the many aspects of relationships. I thought that my husband was not caring, when he really was. If I had known how to "fill myself up," I would have. Now, I've figured it out and created a website called kabbalah-dating. It's a non-religious and "lightly" spiritual way to have more insight into your relationship. Spend time learning about different aspects of life.
3. Pretend that your husband is a pet who you will train. Take VERY small steps, and be very appreciative of little gains. It sounds like he's kind of a computer geek (mine was, too) and gets a lot of satisfaction from the computer. Think of ways to add romance through the computer, or to temp him into some more personal attention for you and your child.
Best Wishes!
- Malka
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): Did u say u loved him?
Then do u think it is so easy to get out of a relationship for a petty reason like this.
I think happiness is about being with a person who cares for you and gives you the emotional bonding by sharing your experiences every moment. You cannot be happy only on weekends when he takes you to an outing, etc.
I think you both should sit and talk together about all issues.
But trust me, both of you can be happy only when you don't expect the other person to change for you. Both of you should be your self and don't try to act just because you love each other.
Well, I am in love with a girl deeply. I proposed her twice but she rejected me. She doesn't even speak to me but I just can't take her off my mind even for a second. So, I am pretty surprised when you said that you loved him and you want to get out of this relationship.
Anyways, you are your best judge. Think again what are the exact reasons for your current thoughts before you take any drastic decisions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): I think you should tell hime how you feel and let him know that if it does'nt change you are out of there.
I dont think you should waist time with someone that is cluless or doesnt care about your feeling, But you should give me a chance to at least try.
Let hime. Honest is the best policy even if it hurts him,
if he loves you he will do whatever it takes.
Trust me.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): To help get to the bottom of it all I'd suggest you take him to one side and ask him why he wanted to marry you. If he comes up with 'Because I love you' you'll have every right to tell him it's about time he showed it! That'll be the opener, and you can then go into detail about all the other things you perceive to be 'not quite right' about your marriage. Maybe he feels something isn't coming from your direction too - but the only way to find out is to talk about it.
If all else fails, tell him you want a divorce, which might wake him up to a few things.
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