A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i have been married to my husband for 12 years and we have 4 children together. but he constanly tears me down and makes me feel worthless.he is also very controling and has horrible temper. this has taken a toll on our marriage our marriage is no where near normal. Iam confused and i dont know what to do i need a solution to this problem and i dont know where to turn is there anything u can suggest Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): i spent 27 years in abuse with one husband and 9 years with another. trust me it will never work. it only gets worse. I am very intelligent and was very successful in my endevors, but these men put me down to the point of believing it was me that had a problem. i think not. now at the age of 61, it is to late for me to find happiness. i am still in the marriage, everytime you try to fight back or leave they always pull you right back in to the same abuse. you need to take control of your life now. nothing you say to him will make him change. you have a choice walk out and stay with a friend or family, he might change and want you back. if he reels you back into the house and after a few months goes back to his same abusive ways then you know he will NEVER CHANGE. Your other choice is to try to get along and deal with it. (I tried that but it did not work, he just got more abusive because he was able to get away with more) last choice is file for divorce (very messy with a man of that caliber he usually wins in the end...blames you for everything)
God bless you
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (16 April 2008):
 Honey if you constantly take the bombardments of abuse even if they are verbal then nothing will change.
Do you have these things said to you in front of the children?
Do you ever challenge anything he says to you?
Do you feel so worthless and your self confidence is on the floor that you actually believe what he says to you?
If the answer to any of those is yes then things need to change and the sooner the better.
I lived with my ex for almost 20 years and yes unfortunately when you live within that sort of environment you can never see a way out of it.
Right you have rights OK, you have 4 children and you are married.
Do you love this husband of yours and do you want this relationship to work or not?
If he has killed the love you had for him with the torrid of abuse he has thrown at you over the years then it is time for you to take a stand.
You either confront him about it all but only when you are alone and not in front of the children.
Or you start to make plans for yourself and the children to actually move forward with your life without him.
Ring up the CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau) or go into a branch during their opening hours and find out what your rights are as a married woman you do have rights and I am guessing that perhaps you don't work if you have numerous children? I don't know but either way you are your children are entitled to stay within the family home and he cannot force you out. Whilst the children are under the age of 18 you don't have to go anywhere.
On the other hand you may have a massive fight on your hands if you want to be free of your husband so start to dig deep and find the inner strength that all of us mothers have inside of us.
It is time now for you to put yourself and your children first as this whole thing must be having an affect on them and that is just not good.
If you have boys then they could be witnessing how their father verbally abuses their mother and so it is a pattern of behaviour that they are currently growing up in and could repeat in later life with their own partners.
If you have girls then they could be seeing their mother just taking all this abuse and so they either view you as someone who is just not a strong person and they could grow up with self doubt and repeat it by being with a man later on in life who is a replica of their father or they could go completely the other way and be so out of control that they want to prove they are never going to be controlled by any man.
Don't be a doormat for the rest of your life as you are not only allowing your husband to treat you like dirt but you are not showing your children what a good mother you are and can be.
I was in my relationship that was very controlled and dominated and yes I had verbal abuse for many years but when we become mothers we also have this inner strength that we will protect our young and that is in you so try to tap into that OK. BTW my ex had a father who had the same sort of behaviour and has always resented him but he also says that he cannot control the way he is and I wonder if your husband had a background that was similar.
If on the other hand you want things to work out then he needs to realise what damage he is doing to your marriage and also what potential affect his behaviour is having on your children. He needs to get help from a counsellor but as most people who have this type of behaviour, they don't always feel that they are in the wrong and don't often what to admit that they have a problem but unless he does get help I cannot see how you can continue living under the same roof as him.
It does get better but only when you don't live under the same roof as the verbal abuser believe me.
Here anytime OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2008): Don't take his put downs to heart. They are used to control you. This is mental bullying. Tell him straight out 'his put downs are nothing but mental bullying' and suggest he gets help. Stick to this stance. Eventually he will have to look at himself and realise his problem lies within. When he finally does realise the damage he is causing to you, then you can step in and give him support to overcome his problem.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, daniellexxxx +, writes (16 April 2008):
 Have you tryed marriage councling try that and see how that goes. AM sure if you try everything the you know you havent given up so easy, You mite have fallen out of love but if you both want to work on it try everything you dont want your kids round violence.
Good luck.
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