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male
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anonymous
writes: My patience is wearing thin, so I figured I’d ask the readers here for some advice.First, let me start out with some facts: I’m 32 and married. My wife is 26 and pretty awesome. I have few complaints about her. She’s warm, kind, and genuinely loves me. But, I wouldn’t be here if everything was perfect, so please, read on…We’ve been married for 2 months now, dated about 18 months before we got married. I understand my wife, I understand her needs, and I feel (and so she tells me) that I give her everything she needs and wants. I also know that my wife, prior to meeting me, had been with quite a few men sexually. I had a problem with this, until I realized that it wasn’t my problem to have. This was all before she met me, had nothing to do with me, and didn’t affect me (or so I thought). I (unfortunately) found this out by reading one of her journals.I confessed to it, sought therapy, and I’m fine with it all now. But what I did learn from the experience, is that sex had never been about intimacy, love or caring for my wife. Sex had always been a tool. A tool to get what she wanted, to prevent someone from leaving her, to feel better about herself (she has a bit of a weight problem), or a way to not feel lonely. And this started from her first sexual experiences. We’ve discussed all this, ad nauseum. We both understand that the way she views sex is not healthy, especially in a healthy relationship like ours.See, to me, sex is about love, intimacy, trust and sharing. It’s sharing something with someone you love, that you can’t (or rather, shouldn’t) share with anyone else. So to me, what better way to show someone how much I love them and desire them, and want to be closer with them, than to make love?Discern all you want, but I’m married…having sex, and making love are the same thing, especially in my marriage. See, sex with my wife has always been forced, and somewhat mechanical. No matter what I’ve tried, or what I do, it’s the same. Very lackluster, never spontaneous, never about love. It just is. And the frequency…it’s gone at best once every few weeks, and at worst once every few months. And I feel like she’s still in the same mindset, that sex is a tool. That the only reason she has sex with me is to prevent me from leaving her.Honestly, if I based my decision on the sex alone, we would have never gotten married. So I try to reassure her that she doesn’t need to force herself to have sex with me, because she’s scared I’ll leave her. Because at that point, all I’d be doing is validating things for her. That YES, sex is needed only to maintain a relationship so the other person won’t leave. That YES, sex is a tool to use, to manipulate someone. And that’s the last thing I want to do.So, in trying to make sex more worry-free for her, I’ve ignored my own desires. I put no pressure on her, nor do I try to initiate sex, because I’ll wind up with hurt feelings (I’ve faced more rejection with my wife than ever before in my life). She has, in turn, become sexless.Before I fully understood that she perceived sex differently, we would argue about the infrequency that we had sex (honestly, after almost 2 years of being with her, I can count how many times we’ve had sex). We would argue, she would tell me that she knew she had a problem and she’d seek help, and she’d leave it there. This went on for months, until I stumbled across her journals and read them. I felt like a complete ass, but it helped me realize what I was dealing with. The guilt was too much to bare, and I admitted it to her. We worked past that, so I don’t consider it to be a factor. Did I lose some of her trust? Probably. But that was well over a year before we got married, and it hasn’t been brought up since.So here’s where I am…we no longer have sex. 2 months into a marriage and we’re sexless. Partly my fault, so I don’t accidentally make her feel like she HAS TO have sex with me, and partly her fault for appearing to have no physical desire towards me. I can understand how viewing sex as a tool would in turn make sex unnecessary, if you don’t need it to get what you want. I can also understand that not everyone’s libido is the same and it’s been proven that in committed relationships most womens’ libidos go down. I can understand that she is tired from work, and sex might be the last thing on her mind…But what about me?I bend over backwards to give this woman everything she wants. I cook every meal, I clean, I do the laundry and I take care of all our pets. From the moment she walks in the door, it’s all about her, and I give her my undivided attention. I send her flowers and put love notes in her bag. And I pay all the bills and the mortgage.Now, I’m not looking for compensation in the form of sex for what I do for her. I’m not. I am however, looking for some understanding on her part that this truly is a problem that needs to be fixed rather than ignored. So, am I really asking for much?Just acknowledging that we need some therapy. Some help from someone who can maybe get through to her. Honestly, I can’t live in a sexless marriage. This is NOT what I signed up for, and my self-esteem is starting to crumble. So much so that I find myself looking for attention with other women. I find my gaze wandering. I find myself unintentionally flirting with women to get the attention I wish I was getting from my wife. And how long before I start looking for other things?I understand that therapy would be the best route to take, unless someone here can suggest a way I can “reprogram” my wife into thinking that sex is actually a really good thing, rather than something worthless. But how do I convince her that we REALLY need to go, regardless how many excuses she makes, because our marriage depends on it?Especially since I told her in those exact words…months ago.Help!
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male
reader, beentherdunethat  +, writes (30 May 2013):
I was raised by women and in church. One thing i have learned is that forgiving some one for their Past is gods job and not yours.the only thing i would worry about most is that god will forgive me for doing his job.now lets talk about counseling wrong move they always side with who pays the bill. Now i have a saying an old saying you can take the girl out of the ghetto but you cant take the ghetto out of the girl. It sounds like you confuse love with pleasure.love Isn't about sex it is to release pleasures. Love is when you get a phone call that your wife fell off of a. Mountain and you are begging god on the way their not to take your wife regardless how she hurt you from her past. I see love devolop over time,it always begins with lust and enough time if all the right ingredients are there lust will turn into love like a beautiful butterfly coming out of his cocoon.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): Do your best and continue as much as you can. But really you need to tell her that if things don't improve that you may look for a mutual seperation because you're not getting the kind of intimacy that you need, as it seems to be the direction you're heading towards eventually. See what she says and thinks after that.
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male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (22 November 2008):
 The question(s) is/are a bit daunting. While I do not have time to study in depth, I did not read anything about an attempt to give her (perhaps) something that she has never experienced. An orgasm - or multiple orgasms. Maybe it's there, please forgive if I skipped it. You certainly offer the love and romance and all, but at the end of the day, a woman wants to release as we all.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): dude - judge someone by their ACTIONS not by their motives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): It sounds as though you are doing all the right things! If she refuses to go to counselling, go without her. You need some professional guidence on how to deal with this situation. You might want to cut back on spoiling her so much! You know you can't "fix" anyone (reprogram) you can only take care of yourself. I believe you are intelligent enough to come up with a proper solution.
Good Luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): you know what?
The details of your situation are different, but describing your wife you really could be describing me. For verious reasons, none of them involving abuse, neglect or anything like that, I have always seen sex as part of the seduction game - "a tool" as you put it, if there is nothing to be gained, then it becomes pointless . so I can sort of answer from her perspective I guess.
First of all - she probably hates herself for being like this. She wants to want to have sex with you, but she can't. It's not that she doesn't love you, or find you attractive - it's just that the hormonal urgency isn't there. So please, try not to guilt trip her, or put the pressure on - it'll make things ten times worse. And couples counselling isn't the way to go - seriously, this is her problem, not yours, if she's going to sort her issues she needs to see someone by herself, so she can see them on their own terms, rather than just do it as something you want her to do. Perhaps this is something you can encourage.
In the meantime, what I suggest, is fostering an intimacy taht doens't revolve around sex. It helps me when I'm able to be with someone who is able to show me physical affection, without the expectation of sex hanging over. This might take some time for her to get used to, so bear with her, she'll probably push you away at first and this will be hurtful, but once she realises it's not a ploy to get between her legs, she'll be OK. Kiss her passionately (in public is even better in this situation) but avoid being remotely sexual about it - keep hands above the neck, make her understand that you are able to show physical love without going all the way. Also some women can feel like you do them favours (such as buying flowers etc) so that they owe you sex - and they feel guilty if they don't do it. By all means do these favours, but make it clear you don't give to receive. Also, don't forget taht more important than these things, is spending time together, listening to her, trying to understand her little quirks and issues. You have to be able to, say, go out for a meal together, without thinking "right, we're home now, we should be doing it."
You may well find, if you can take the pressure off a bit (you may not even realise you're putting it on at the moment!) and can happpily show affection without expecting it to necessarily lead to full on penetrative sex - that after a while she becomes a little more responsive and will take some of the initiative herself.
This is tough, i know, and it's totally unfair, but this woman has her issues as we all do) and if you really do want to be with her, you have to find a way to deal with them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): Aaaahhh! Sounds nightmarish! My deepest sympathies.. Force her to go see a counselor with you. Absof-inglutely. The sooner the better. I saw a married couple as my therapists for an anger issue in the past. I didn't believe in counseling, and I left those classes a changed girl. Hurry up before you cheat or break her trust! Good luck friend.
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female
reader, Teacake +, writes (21 November 2008):
 wish my guy had been more like you! oh well, good luck
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (21 November 2008):
 It sounds like the marriage is in a rut of autopilot. Just as everything else in life, a marriage takes work. Sex in a marriage is not about self-pleasure. It's about sharing with the other person and focusing on pleasing them. Your not with each other because you appreciate how much she loves herself. You're with her because she loves you and you love her. So, when making love it has to be about the other person and a way to share the love you have for her with her. The last thing you want is for your marriage to end up being, just another day at the office. Talk about what you both want out of the marriage, then develop a plan on how both of you can be satisfied without giving up what's important to either of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUncle Phil...wasn't shooting for it, but it would have been nice. I just wanted to explain, in depth, the entire situation for what it's worth.Teacake...I'm already there. I'm a romantic sap. I massage her back, or her feet, weekly. I have special candlelit dinners where it's just the two of us (no TV, no work, no pets) weekly. I have tried everything in bed. She's satisfied with me, sexually (or so she says). But that hasn't stopped me from trying new things, hoping that something will ignite a flame. From toys and porn to romantic baths and massages. Rough sex to passionate love-making...nada. Trust me, I have been doing nothing but pleasing her the 2 years we've been together in every possible way (emotionally, physically, mentally, etc.), and totally ignoring my own needs in the process.She wasn't molested a s a child, but she did grow up without a father until she was 9 or so.Yes, I often feel like she takes me for granted, but aside from leaving my best friend, forcing her to go to counselling (which she has essentially refused to go to) or cheating on her...what other options do I have?
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female
reader, Teacake +, writes (21 November 2008):
Try massaging her for at least 30 minutes if not an hour. Kiss her all over. I have no idea if you are erotic in bed or a one trick pony.
Is it possible she was molested as a child?
Think about pleasing her rather than your needs. Maybe you do and it doesn't work, I don't know. Not all men know what they are doing in bed even though all men tend to think they are the best lovers in the world.
You might have to be more tender and passionate emotionally in bed? If a woman doesn't connect emotionally with a man, she won't enjoy sex. Its way more complicated for women than for men.
Just ask her if you can touch and hold her. Also ask her if it would bother her or not if you pleasured yourself while she watched? Some women like that. But that's iffy in her case. At least try to just touch and kiss a lot and don't rush trying to please yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): Just wondering - are you going for the record of the question with the most words? If so, you're 43 short.
Any chance of condensing it a bit?
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