A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have recently caught my husband having an affair, we have been married 14 years and have 3 children. I told my husband I still love him and want him to stay, he said he would stay only to be with our children who he loves more than anything and said he does not love me and hasn't for a long time. I said he has to stop seeing the other woman. I found out she was having his baby and that he loves her. I gave him an ultimatum that I will allow him to stay to be with our children as long as he has no contact with her or the baby.I made him have a paternity test and he pays child support which impacts greatly on us Can we rebuild our family unit or even our marriage or is it only a matter of time before he builds up the courage to leave me. will he still love her? will he eventually want to see this child? he has cut off all contact with her as he knows he has to much to lose
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008): When a man admits he doesn't love you anymore, the relationship is virtually already finished. However, he does want to keep his family together and so do you for the sake of the children. If he has ended the relationship with the other women as he indicated, then there is always hope that your marriage can work out for lusty feelings have a way of diminishing with time.
You can attend a marriage encounter seminar with him. If you want to keep him, admire him and give him recognition. There are many self help books out there on what men want and need. You have 3 children and it is imperative that you stay together for the sake of the children. Children suffer from divorce more than the parents.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): thanks for all your replies my husband seems sorry for what he has done but that doesnt change the fact that he had feelings for this o/w and he says he doesnt want anything to do with her or the child as he loves his children too much for anything to come between his relationship with them and knows if he does have contact he will lose everything.To the lady that has had this done to her please can you tell me how long you tried to reconcile for? you say your husband still saw her but my husband has broken off all contact so maybe we have a chance but it still worries me if he will one day change his mind and want to see his other child
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): I can feel the hurt and anger in your voice and I feel for you. All I will say is that I forced my husband to stay with me because of the children when he loved another. It was truly terrible. This guy treated me like crap, stayed out as much as he could, never spoke a word to me and generally hated me. He made constant excuses to spend time with her and it made me very ill. I have to be honest and at the time I wasn't strong enough but I should have told him to go. He told me constantly that he was no longer in love with me and that I wasn't making him happy but I still wanted our family unit and didn't want her to have him so I put up with it. He did make my life a living hell and made me so ill I couldn't think for myself. I think when the man issues the immortal words of 'I don't love you anymore' then open the door for them and see them on their way. Be so so careful in this sitauation because he will start being more and more unpleasant the more he feels trapped and bitter and vengeful about his situation and he will see her and the baby behind your back.
I know how upset and hurt you are I was too, but believe me this may seem a good solution now but it won't long term. I eventually let him go , we never speak now at all but it was better than the living hell he purposely subjected me to. The thing is this situation isn't going to go away , especially if he feels something for her and the more he is kept from her the more the feelings for her will grow in his heart. My ex husband turned on me and found fault with everything he just didn't want to be here with me. Set yourself a time limit for this evaluating how he treats you and his mood but if he starts making you really miserable let him go.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): First off, I'm sorry if this sounds mean cuz that's not what I'm going for, but you demanding that your cheating husband not be a part of his illegitimate child's life is selfish, controlling, and wrong. Speaking from my experience, growing up without a father really messes a kid up! I think I hide it well, but I have serious issues!!! The kid didn't do anything wrong, and even if his/her dad is a cheating ass, the kid deserves to have a relationship with him. Have a heart for the child, please. As for your marriage, I am truly sorry. Do yourself a favor and exercise your power of divorce. Let yourself heal, and move on. You still have a chance of finding true love and a monogamous mate. Find strength and do the right thing for yourself and the children. Best of luck to you.
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female
reader, hibiscus  +, writes (21 November 2008):
I am really sorry to hear about your circumstances, but I must tell you that making him stay is not within your best interest. Like the other poster's have stated, the child in innocent and does not deserve to be deprived from his/her father. He has told you that he does NOT love you and has not loved you for a while.Please move on. The one think I ask is that you allow him to see him children. Just because your relationship with him is broken, it does not mean that the childrens' relationship need to be broken as well.I know this is very difficult, but things happen for a reason and there is a silver lining behind the cloud!all the best
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): He doesn't love you! Of course he's going to stray again. He admitted he's staying for the children, and yes it's very likely he will want to see his baby and that other woman who he says he loves. It's very unfair of you to say it's either us or the baby, this is not the bab'y fault. Why don't you grow some respect and find a guy who really loves you? This is just a ticking time bomb.
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female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (21 November 2008):
 That woman is a bitch if she knew he was married. I feel sorry for that child. I feel very badly for you and your children to have to deal with a coward of a man.
This is not an easy situation. Its up to you of course since you love him, love never makes sense.... but if he says he doesn't love you, you are just asking for years of grief if you make him stay. Let him go for your own peace of mind and make sure to get as much income as possible so that his absence doesn't create a problem for the children. Its very bad for children to have to be in a home where parents have so many problems. Children need loving role models as you know.
Are there any friends or family you could live with that would provide a more nurturing environment for your children?
I hope things work out for you!
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