A
male
age
36-40,
*elp me im screwed
writes:I need help. :( I have just gotten back home from the U.S Army, i was deployed for a year. and going back sometime later this year. But thats not what i came to talk about.. My wife.. lets call her Nicki is an amazing woman, and i love her with every part of me. i just messed up..before I left me and my wife were going through a really rough patch, everyday. constantly bickering and arguing ( she really didnt want me to even enroll in the army.. but decided if it would make me happy shed tried to be there as much as she could.) so i left to clear my head.. i drove around town.i stopped at a quick stop to grab something to drink and there i found Sara. we were the best of friends growing up.. but then after highschool. and career moves. we lost touch. even though i knew what i was about to do was wrong i went to a movie with her . it felt nice to actually be laughing, and having a good time instead of arguing all the time. after the movie we went to her house to catch up.. but it was lead wayyy too far.we ended up having sex ( in school we always liked eachother but didnt wanna loose friendsship so we stayeed friends) after. i felt like shit. i immediately got dressed and ran out to my car, and went home. when i got home i took a hot shower, i couldnt get the disgusting feeling i had with my self to wash off.i couldnt tell my wife what happened. that would mean id loose her, and our baby boy. i climbed into bed with her and held her so close to me. she was still awake and starting rubbing my arm and said " look im sorry. i havent been supporting you like i need to . your going to be fighting for your life, and you need to have a clear head on your shoulders for that, so i knoe me telling you all of my doubts wont help you any. im here for you baby."my heart crumbled. i couldnt say anything, i couldnt do anything. my actions were already choosen. and i couldnt take them back no matter how much i wanted to . believe me, there is NOTHING else i wanted to do besides take it back. everything was great after that. i thought that if i just worked on my self everything would get better. sara and nicki didnt know eachother. besides meeting at our wedding. now that ive gotten home. i find my house empty. Sara told her EVERYTHING while i was away. but on the phone Nicki didnt seem like anything was bothering her. ever. ive called her since ive gotten back and she says she doesnt wanna see me. that i hurt her too bad. and that i could always come see the baby. she wants that to be our only type of contact. what do i do?! please someone help me. Do i have a chance or not?! is there a way to get her back? if so how?.. I need her soo much it hurts. .. i knoe im an asshole. but ive changed, since i was away. now shes gone and wont try to see it..:'(
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reader, amenthyst3356 +, writes (7 May 2011):
I guess I'm the only person here wondering why sara would tell...1. Because she likes your wife and felt she had to tell her. 2. Felt so guilty that she needed to get it off her chest. 3. She wants you and wanted to break up your marriage. I'm guessing she never said anything about your wife that whole night she spent with you. My guess is number 3. You want your wife back make sure you don't have any contact with Sara and crawl. You are not an asshole, maybe you can tell her you can onlytell her truths from now on and tell her everything even the stuff you might leave out as they are mundane. That might soften her, just be there for her and your son consistently. She will see you are trying.
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (7 May 2011):
 Unlike most others you actually seem like you deeply regret it and you really love her. So you're not an asshole. Even though it was a terrible mistake, I get why you were so drawn to Sara. But now you've learned and you're ready to be a better man.
If you want to get your wife back, be the best father to your son and the next time you see her or the next time you contact her, tell her you're sorry and tell her how much it pains you to have hurt her like that. She needs to know what that small affair meant for you, she needs to know that it isn't because you loved her any less. Once she hears these things, give her time to think about it. I cannot promise you that she will want to be with you anymore, I cannot promise you that she will see you in the same way ever again even if she does take you back. You have to ask for her forgiveness and ask her just how you can make it up to her. That is all the advice I can give you. Good luck and have hope. You're not like those other disloyal men, at least not anymore.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (7 May 2011):
 I do know that this may be hard for you, because comrades in arms always have each others backs, no matter what crap hits the fan. She feels you abandoned her, so you're the enemy.
Your not in the war of life together. Bring your skills of how to create peace towards her and your son. Be her brother man. Be her hero, it'll work out!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2011): anonymous has some good points, it's going to take awhile before she trusts you again and as much as you can try to show her you still care for her. If that doesn't work just get her attention something like this: "please just let me Finish, before you say anything, i know i messed up bad , but i love you i need you in my life , she means nothing to me not the way you do we had rough times and that was no excuses for me to cheat and i admit i messed up but I'll fight for our love because I'm in love with you and your the only women i can ever imagine myself with, i love you so much and I'm so sorry for what i put your through , so baby please if there is any chance i can get you back and your trust I'll do it, anything in the world i will because I'm so deeply in love with you and would do anything to make it up" now i know that was long but if a guy cheated on me and he said something along those lines I'd take him back might take awhile for my trust to grow than again if she asks you to leave the army and your hearts set on it than don't include the I'll do anything for you because that might worsen the situation , i can honestly see your a good guy you just made one big mistake so try to get her attention and tell her your sorry speak from your heart and show her you care, much love i hope everything works out
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2011): Hmmm this is really a tough situation, but here's the best advice for you is that if you truly truly and deeply want her back. I would suggest to prove your love to her and try to show her you can be the man she trusts wholeheartedly once again. Prove to her that you can also be a great dad for your kid. Try your hardest not to argue or bicker with her anymore. You need to rebuild the foundation in your relationship and it's not going to happen if there's anger and mistrust. I would also suggest marriage counselling if she's willing to, I know a few friends who've done that and they managed to stop the marriage from fracturing even further. From what I've read it doesn't sound like you two have been divorced yet, so there's still a good chance you can make it work. Also if you really want her back I would suggest never ever seeing Sara again, cut her out of your life completely. For her to tell everything gives me a sense that she wanted to destroy your marriage. Your marriage won't heal if she's there in your life. To be honest this is going to be a real uphill battle for you, but if she's the only woman that has your heart then I think you can be driven enough to be with her once again and live happily ever after.
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