A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Pretty simple question really - how do you know when a relationship is over?Its been rocky from the start, one of those cant live with each other cant like without each other relationships. I feel I give 110% all the time but get nothing in return. Its her way or no way. There's no room for compromise, no room for talking just arguing. Sounds fun doesn't it? But then the good times are fantastic, that's what makes me want to stay. She says we could be so good together but I cant see her making any effort to make that happen. She blames me and says its all my fault, every argument, every disagreement. I feel I am facing a brick wall, every way I turn it is there and I cant get past it to make things any better. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 January 2016):
 When is it over?
When you realize that the good doesn't outweigh the bad. That it DOES take 2 people to make it work, but only one of you are making an effort.
I will use Auntie SVC's rowboat analogy:
Imagine yourself sitting in a little row-boat with her in the middle of a lake. There are 2 oars, one for each of you, in order to get ANYWHERE each of you need to work together, and each of you need to grab and oar and start rowing. Yet, here you are. Rowing in circles. You keep trying, she doesn't participate, just blame you. So how far do you think you will get? Nowhere.
Same goes for a relationship. BOTH parties have to work at it to make it work.
Even if it IS all your "fault" she has tossed the towel in the ring and now spends her time blaming you, rather than ending it or trying to fix it.
If you want a healthy relationship, this isn't it. And you can't "MAKE" it become one all on your own.
So in short, when you realize that what you had when it was good, is NOT what you have now and without the effort of both of you - it won't BE good again.
And IF you are the one to blame, why does SHE stay? Well, obviously because you are bending over backwards, letting her walk all over you in order to try and "fix" it. It makes her feel like she has the upper hand (and she does) - but it also makes it toxic for you both.
Is what you have RIGHT now, not considering the "good old days" something you want? or have you had enough?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2016): Hi, I'm going through the same issue at the moment, my boyfriend split up with me on the weekend because he feels I don't trust him. He feels like it's him that makes all the compromises for my sake but is angry because he thinks I don't make any for him... The best thing is to walk away for a few weeks and live your life without her and see how u feel, but my best advise is if you really love her and you had a future, don't give that up. It's worth having space to think right now but approach her in a couple
Of weeks and try to talk things through... You will regret it if don't try. I hope you do sort things out- relationships aren't easy they really aren't.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (5 January 2016):
 Do you like what's happening? Is it fun sparring with your lover? Do you like sharpening your wits, fending off attacks, getting back together again and making up?
Or is it just too tiring now? Eventually I think it gets stale. When you have had enough you know where the door is.
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