A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend who I will call Holly in this post.Holly and I have known each other for about seven years now.Holly is married to my husband's brother. Before I even met my husband seven years ago (I was a senior in high school), I had a crush on his cousin. Holly was encouraging his cousin to date me because she thought I was "very pretty" and we'd make a "good couple." I never dated his cousin because about two weeks later, I met my husband. It seems as though from the beginning this woman has not liked me. She is almost six years old than I am. I tried my best to be nice to her, and it seems as though she took my being nice as a reason for her to be a complete witch to me. I finally just stopped all together, and I wouldn't even go around her or her husband. My husband (fiance at the time) would go to their house without me, and that was fine by me because I didn't have to be around her.After our son was born, however, she and I became a bit closer. To my surprise, she was going behind my back accusing me of trying to cheat on my husband and also accusing me of child abuse!! I found this information out through a mutual family member who showed me - she had written all this crap in an online BLOG - and the mutual family member felt I should see the things she was saying about me behind my back. I confronted her, and she lied to my face about it. She finally broke down and told me she was jealous of the relationship I had with my husband and that he worked to support his family, unlike her husband. I showed compassion and understanding, offering to help her with her every day duties to take off some stress. Things were going well, and I thought we were finally becoming friends. She started talking behind my back, once again, and I confronted her again. This time, the problem was that my husband and I were inviting them (her, my hubby's brother and their children) to different things -- family outings we thought the kids would enjoy -- and apparently this upset her because we were "trying to tell her how to live her life," and they "didn't have the means" to go places, yet turn around and spend money to keep up with us (I will get to that soon). She eventually began leaving our son out on purpose, trying to make me jealous. I confronted her again about this behavior, making it a point that I thought she was extremely nasty to take her apparent dislike for me out on my son (she would ask the other family members' children to do things, except for us).Now, we come to the present situation. Ever since that happened, she has done nothing but copy me. Everything I do, she copies. This is really beginning to bug me, because it's as though my identity is being taken from me. I can't have anything that is my own. I love quotes, for instance. I understand that quotes are free for anyone to take, and this is a petty thing, but she takes all of the quotes I post on Facebook. Everything we get, she has to get it as well. We bought a new television last year, so she convinced her husband to buy a used one because it was "bigger than ours," and her husband even told my husband this. We bought a new computer, so she presumes to buy one as well - with a bigger screen. Christmas rolls around, we buy several things for all of the kids, she makes sure she has gotten them more. She has copied everything I have done from the things we buy to the shampoo that I use. I know this all seems petty, but it's really bothering me. My breaking point has finally come. We recently bought a dog, one I have been wanting for a long time, one that I have never heard her mention before at all, as a matter of fact, she tried to tell me that this particular breed of dog didn't exist and I didn't know what I was talking about, so she turns around and is trying to buy one just like the one I have. I need some advice because I am bummed out by this. I can't have anything without her copying it. I have had people tell me "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery," but I am not flattered at all. I cannot stand this woman. I do not like her personality, and she is extremely manipulative and selfish. For her to do things to imitate me really drags me down because I do not want to be anything like this person. I have told her that before, that she is someone I am glad I am nothing like, so I don't know if that's why she is doing this or what... I have also thought about breaking down and asking my husband if he's slept with her or something, because she acts jealous that we are together, well, obviously--she has told me that she was jealous of us before.. I just don't get it. I hate how she is doing this.. and the worst part is that she is "keeping up" with us by trying to stay ahead, everything we get, she wants the same thing, only bigger, so she can brag about it.. and I suppose it's more aggravating because they have four children to support, and she puts them last.. they don't have the money to keep doing this, and they will eventually end up in the hole.Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): Dazed/confused is pretty clear sighted here. Good advice. This woman is clearly obsessed with competing with you. if you don't want to compete, then let it go. Keep your distance and live your life. Treat her with grace, yes. She is family. But don't think about her so much. She's going to do what she's going to do, and she's going to say what she's going to say. You have no control over that. But you do have control what you give your attention to. If you live your happy life and do what you want to do and stop giving so much energy to her you will be happier and the more she tries to manipulate or compete with you then it's like the old saying - what goes around come around, give someone enough rope they will hang themselves with it.
Honestly as far as your family goes, if you are kind and loving and she trash talks you and you ignore it, people will see that and know what the deal is. She's obviously a very sad petty woman who craves attn. Don't give it to her. Just say a prayer for her on Sunday and move on.
A
female
reader, Dazed~Confused  +, writes (15 February 2010):
 There is very little that you can do. You are in a tough position because the minute you confront her or say anything, you automatically become the bad guy. And, rest be assured she will tell everyone she can how petty YOU are and how you think you can tell her what you can and cannot have.
My suggestion is to share as little as possible with her. Tell your husband that personal details about what you buy, your plans and what not should stay between the two of you. Ask him not to speak to his brother about it.
As for family gatherings, continue to invite her. By being nice, you make her look bad. If you find out there was something that you and your child was not invited to, then just let it go. Let the other family members start to question why this is happening. Maybe in this one instance you could suggest your husband talk to his brother and tell him that he finds it insulting that his family is being excluded. His brother should stand up to his wife in this instance.
Eventually ppl are going to notice her competition with you and she is going to come out looking like the loser and pathetic. The best think you can do is act with class and grace, there is not weapon against that.
Good luck!
D&C
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