A
female
age
36-40,
*iz.
writes:HI there.I am in desperate need of advice; I have had an amazing relationship with my boyfriend who I consider my best friend, and my lover, for two and a half years; but now it has gone really astray.In the past 2 years I've suffered from panic attacks and anxiety, as well as some anger issues which I've only really just sorted out. While all this has been going on I feel I have done irepairable damage to us as a couple.For a bit of background; I have a job that I'm only just learning to cope with, I earn twice as much as he does- which I think makes him feel inadequate. And our schedules leave us with approximatly an hour a day together in the week. I don't think this was the life either of us had planned for; (we're in our early 20's)He now shows signs of complete distance- emotionally he doesn't talk to me, he tells white lies (as I think in the past I've reacted angrily), hes even suggested he has been walking on egg shells. He hasn't complimented me on my looks in months, I don't think he looks at me much lately. Each weekend in the last month I've tried seducing him, but he has said hes tired, he has excuses- I'm not a mind reader but I think this means hes not interested in me.On top of all of this, we're both living in a city we barely know, we're lonely and probably too dependent on oneanother- I'm trying to change this and make everything really positive, but whereas I might have turned over a new leaf, I think I've already lost him; he dosen't take me out to parties he goes to; he sheilds female friendships he has from me- because in the past I've been really jealous and immature. The worst thing about all of this is that I love him crazily, and I can see how bad I've been this last year and what I've put him through- I have damaged this realtinoship; but now I feel he isn't pulling his weight, he says he wants to be with me, yet he's not attempting to mend things; he doesn't discuss things. If I say we need to talk he pulls a face as if to say "not again!", as I think we've had many vital talks in the last year and he just seems tired of the whole thing. I'm confused because he is staying with me, he could up and leave- hes got nothing in this city, or at his job that would keep him here. Hes staying, but hes like a ghost- when I look him in the eye I can only see how sweet he is, but I can't see much else- I think hes kind of tuned out of everything.I also have noticed he's working out more, and has struck up an old friendship with a very attractive girl who he hasn't spoken to in 3 years. These are bad signs I know. But I don't want to give up.My question is;Can you give me advice on how to save this? How can you bring someone back and show them you've changed?Or;Can you give me advice on how to get over it?
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (31 December 2008):
 Good news hon and you are welcome from the bottom of my heart! You are using good common sense in how you are handling this situation. You let him know how you feel and accepted the blame of your part in the failing relationship.
By working together and making a committment to do so is GREAT! You are correct that relationships have to be worked on. You will always be working on a relationship in some way in order to keep it healthy and stable.
Keep bridging the gap and always remember that it really takes two. Remeber also that you are LUCKY and from where I sit....so is HE~! YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY BABY!*LOL* Now you ddefinantely say you are one less bad relationship away from having the one of your dreams! Good luck and my PRAYERS are with you!
BRING IN THE NEW YEAR WITH A BLAST........TOGETHER!!!
Blessings,
Blue_Angel
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A
female
reader, liz. +, writes (31 December 2008):
liz. is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who wrote in. Much Appreciated.
I've ironed out our problems a little by explaining where I think I had gone wrong in the past; honestly and blatantly.
I don't believe there is only one person for everyone- there's 6 billion people on this planet. I think you have to work at things, and if I'm a moron and have messed things up, I need to admit them and solve them, or I would move from one bad relationship to another.
I'm lucky to have someone who is happy to help me work things through, and make a big commitment to save what we have.
I had pushed him very far; but mostly I had become very distant to him and him to me; he is very happy and willing to try again, and sort this out.
Learning to listen to him is the first major step.
Thanks Griffo.
blue_angel
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A
male
reader, jdb5280 +, writes (29 December 2008):
What you need to do is what most reviews have already recommended. Take accountability for your actions. It amazes me how difficult a time woman have with taking responsibility for their actions. Think of ever situation where you feel like you were responsible for not being as mature as you would like to have been. Tell him that you were wrong and apologize and mean it. He will eat it up. Moving forward you cannot go back to your old ways or it will be over for good. Remember us men hate to communicate anyway so it may take time for him to trust you and to open up to you. Don't force it or he will clam up if he is a typical man. You have been together for a good amount of time so things may be getting a little old. Think of something that will spice it up a bit that he would really like to do. Have a good day doing that and the bedroom will come around.
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (29 December 2008):
MY computer has gone Kukooo! Keyboard sticks and now it doesn't post my name *LOL* Thank Goodness I signed it or I would never have been heard. *rolling my eyes In case you missed it I am the 3rd post. According to what this young lady has told about the situation it seems that she may have pushed him aside for way too long and may have pushed him to walk away. I sure hope things work out here for them both.
Thanks for reading!
Blessings,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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A
female
reader, breezyT +, writes (29 December 2008):
you need to tell him how you feel. make him listen and if he doesn't then you can do better without because he is not helping the situation.....but you need to stop blaming yourself because its not your fault
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): I feel for your situation; and hopping you are wanting to mend the relationship for all the right reasons. My first suggestion would be to let him know how you feel not that you want to talk write it in a note; but you just want him to know what you are feeling. Always start your sentences by showing you has the person who is apologizing. Example: I have had a bad behavior in the last 6 months and I have not been fare to you. I have not been feeling good about my job and I have been insecure. keep it simple but let him know how you are feeling. Let him know what your heart is feeling. You will be amazed how writing everything on paper will help you sort your feelings at the same time. Remember keep it short to the point and make it show your feelings. Forget what he might have done to you for now, you will work this out later.
Show him you are taking care of yourself and feeling good about yourself, positive attitude will help big time. If you can invite him out to the movies something simple. But don't talk about the past and anything of that sort until he is ready; you will know when he is ready or this will help you get over it.
Always remember a man never likes to be told he is wrong, and he is inferior to his woman you need to let him be the man. If he truly loves you he will come around. You have to take the bull by the horns and suck up most of the blame and work with what you have.
I am hoping this helps a little, best of luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): I hate to tell you hon but your job just might be part of your problem. You are spending alot of hours working hard, spending too much time away. He is probably feeling neglected. Men like attention just like women do. They might not require it in the same way but they need it. If you make more money than he does perhaps he feels he isn't worthy of being in this relationship with you. He can't comprehend how you can love someone who isn't man enought to support you. Yes some men really do think this way.
The anxiety and panic attacks I am guessing has caused you to vent your anger and agression toward him alot of times. Those long, hard hours at work are taking their toll on you. You want to succede and there is certainly nothing wrong with that but you have to be able to know when to draw the line. You can't give all to your job and only a little to a relationship in order for it to thrive. You need to get help for these conditions. Go to counseling and get therapy and/or med if necessary to work thru this.
You might even consider lessening your work load or taking a different job in order to give more time to your relationship. It is hard sometimes to give more but when you aren't giving more than 1 hour a day to a relationship 7 days a week that isn't much time to really work on anything. That barely gives you time to eat, take a bath read a paper and brush your teeth.
If he isn't complimenting you perhaps he just doens't know what to say anymore. If he's been *walking on eggshells with you, he is probably at loss for the words that won't set you off, no matter what he is saying. Compliments to you perhaps on your end have gone unnoticed or unappreciated so he could be thinking, Why bother?" Spending time at parties alone is sad, even when you know people who are there. If they love someone they want to spend special times with that person, however if you have left him nights on end to PARTY alone he may not have included you again...you may not want to go...so why bother?
Tuned you out?
Not interested?
Gone Cold?
Someone else?
Anything is possible. If you have left him too long alone, he may not think you care enough to make it work, If you have harrassed him or made him feel less of a man in any way he is hurt but may not know how to express his real feelings. Men are often this way. They don't like talking about their feelings most of the time. They don't want to
push to be with someone who barely gives them the time of day.
He doesn't know how to mend things. He probably isn't aware of what was done to cause all the things that have been happening. It's not easy to leave. He probably loves you, but without your willing heart and compassion he doesn't know what to do. You are always working, he is alone, you are the bread winner and he feels guilty. He may be interested in the girl, that might be why he is getting all Buff..cause I am telling you girl that is a common sign that someone is getting ready for something. He is either looking to get into better health or you have already made him feel so bad that he's getting himself primed for the time when he flys the coup.
I suggest that you have a sit down. Talk to your man in a loving way. If you love him, stand by him, after all it has been you throwing in the monkey wrenches. Get help for yourself and ask if he will attend with you so you can work out the problems you have. Let that man know you LOVE HIM and CARE. GIVE him compliments, it's ok. Stop throwing those tantrums cause they will surely run him off! He needs a compassionate and loving woman. He needs quality time with you. Take off a few days if you can to spend time with him alone. Figure out if your job status is as important as your relatioship.
Your words here say that you are a fairly intellegent young lady. There are bound to be some really great job oppurtunities available to you. Keep your options open. Keep your eyes and your heart open as well. Forgive yourself for any wrong you have done and PRAY for things to be RIGHT.
How to show someone you have changed..............ACTIONS SPEEK LOUDER THAN WORDS@@@ They really do!
Wishing you the very best for a HAPPY NEW YEAR!
God Bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (29 December 2008):
 Firstly its definatley NOT your fault. No way!!! Remember that. Okay?
It could be many things, and its hard to say because I know your feeling so bad about this at this time. Here are some rough ideas based on what you said:
1) He's letting go because he's falling out of love with you. It's common and does happen.
2) He's looking out for another lover but has not found her yet which is why your not going to these parties.
3) He has already found a lover and she is at each one of these parties.
4) He loves you and is trying to have some space with other mates to free up both of your time.
Q) Can you give me advice on how to save this?
A) YES.
Q) How can you bring someone back and show them you've changed?
A) It all depends on how he feels with you. This will take some time and patience somtimes upto six or twelve months. Just be the very best you can be as i can see you already have been doing.
Q) Can you give me advice on how to get over it?
A) Yes, Continue on with your work, you have become successfull and independant. Some guys don't like his woman being independant and that really does make men feel inadequite, he may have old fashioned values that his parents tought him that's all. But the best way is to start socialising with a new group of friends yourself. You need to do this in order for them to save you if it breaks up with your boyfriend. They will help you. Start talking to someome at work about it. Make new friends guys and girls and hang with them.
In your heart be prepared to let him go. I know its painfull but I can see you have given him your best shot. Infact try again and again untill you know you have done better than your best. If you do this you will be able to let go easier because inside your own heart you know you have been the best you can be for him and that way you can walk away with no regrets. He will regret it because it sounds as if he's not really trying as much as you are.
You sound like a top lady, so take a look around and make some male friends too. Because if he's got woman friends you can have men friends too.
Sometimes guys are the best to speak to about these things because they will understand both his and your points of view. But make sure its a guy that will be a good friend to you someone who will listen and help you if it breaks. somone who wont want to always get into your pants.
Let me know how you go.
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A
female
reader, egrl202 +, writes (29 December 2008):
Hi, I am going to give you advice how to get over it. I know you love him, but it really sounds like he is playing you. Tell him that you deserve more.
You need someone to love you unconditionally, what you are in is not a relationship, it just holding on waiting for an explanation or for something to change.
Us females need to stop holding on, trying to make broken things"relationships" work, wer'e too damn nice. I truly wish you the best.
There is only 1 right person for every one out there, and he is not it, the only way to find him is to let go.
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