A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please let me explain in detail. I have been with my husband for 8 years, we have only been married for 3 years. We have two kids under 5. Our marriage has been on the rocks for about as long as we have been married because we had kids right away and I feel like he never helps me with the kids or any of the housework. My problem is that I think I'm in love with my brother-in-law, who is my sister-in-law's husband, they also have a child together. He is an awesome person and awesome father. We've never really been alone together but when we are somewhat alone I get the feeling that he may have feelings for me also. I know that is absolutely morally wrong for me to have these feelings and and I feel aweful about it. I will never act on my feelings but since he is family and I am going to see him for as long as we are family, I need to know how to get over him. I've been ignoring my feelings but they keep getting stronger and stronger. I think about him all the time and even dream about him. I know my feelings could hurt every extension of this family so I just want them to go away! Any suggestions on how to do this? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): I am that advisor number 2!! I am glad you are going to take counselling for your woes. I wish I could do that too. All the very best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAt advise giver no. 1:
Q: Do I ever try to get his attention?
A: No. Absolutely not. In fact I try to avoid contact with him because I'm afraid my feelings might show. I think advise giver no. 2 is right on. I think I may have fallen out of love with my husband and now desire my brother in law because he has all the qualities that my husband lacks. I'm going to continue to ignore the feelings for my brother in law and try counseling with my husband. I don't know if we can ever get that love back, but for my kids I want to try.
Thanks for your advise everyone! I really appreciate it.
...............................
A
male
reader, BigSambo +, writes (10 December 2010):
I am sorry to tell you that there is no advice as to how to make your feelings go away, also I hate to disappoint you that your feelings might never go away, if any they will stay the same if not stronger.
I know of 2 similar situations that deal with the same issue, and one of them her and her brother-in-law have started kissing and touching each other. It is only a matter of time before they have sex.
Do you try to get his attention?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): I feel your agony. We are of the same age group and I have no advice for you. I don't think yours is LOVE but just that you have fallen out of love with your husband. The same feeling is projected towards another person whom you are fond of.
I am going through very similar situations wherein I have been married for a few years and I have fallen out of love. My life has been terribly stressful due to many situations outside of my husbands or my control. Though my husband has been really through them with me he is not active enough to make our life exciting to win that spark back. He has become very lazy, but irritating and clingy towards me and also we have problems in having a baby. He is NOT even moving a little finger to improve the situation and I can't push things too far. So I don't feel love towards my husband now but an obligation to finish through my married life. I have expressed this in many ways but it simply bounces off.
So what I mean is like you I have fallen for another guy. MADLY. And I am so distressed that I don't mind having an affair with him if he loves me. I don't care about my parents, husband or our reputations. I simply want him to love me. And I want a baby. And unlike in your case, I have had some signals from the guy that he sees me as a very dear person. But he is too much a gentleman for an affair, I know.
I don't see him regularly. But occasionally I do meet him in a place for a certain reason or other. And my heart flutters and my stomach clutches all its muscles and its a very shameful feeling for a married woman. And I know that all this is happening not due to his personality but due to things that I lack in my present life. If my husband lived up to my desires then no guy can win my heart. And it is not my fault as I am a woman of flesh and blood and I have every right to desire!
I don't excuse myself. But my pain is mine, you can only advice.
I hope you find a way out soor, dear.
...............................
A
female
reader, loveistheanswer +, writes (10 December 2010):
 You need to use all the energy you spend thinking of the brother in law, to think of ways to improve the marriage... the marriage just needs to be 50/50 equal... if you both work you both need to share in housework and childrearing, and if only he works, then obviously you would be the one to do it all... if the stress of you working and being the housekeeper and mother is too much, you need to either reach out to him for help one more time, or else stop doing so much all by yourself, just do the bare necessary around the house and take time to yourself too, you need that! (a nice hot bath, or just an hourly nap a couple times a week would be nice, right?)... if he notices more leftovers for dinners, and fewer clean clothes in his closet, maybe he'll understand what's up... and as your kids get older, train them to help you around the house, and be firm about it... I know it sounds kinda bad to say it in that way, but that is exactly what you ought to do, is train them to help you pull their own load, nice courteous helpful considerate kids, that's not too much to ask of a kid, right? We should all have an upbringing like that so that we don't end up like these non-helping spouses who think everything is handed to them on a platter... also please whatever you do don't you dare act on your fantasies... having a non-helping spouse is a very typical problem in marriages but is NEVER a justification for cheating... its for better or for worse, remember? and trust me there is much much worse out there in marriages than what you're going through... look for ways that your husband can pull his load in ways that he would be more willing... having a non-helping spouse can be a bummer but is never a reason to stop loving them, infidelity is a breach of trust much worse than being inconsiderate about helping around the house.... the latter can be fixed, but there's nothing you could ever do to make up to him for having cheated on him... so think hard before you do anything about these feelings you think you're having, they're not real and are impossible because they're your in-laws!... what is real is your marriage, focus on that...
...............................
|
