A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi guysi have a problem and i think you can help meim in a forbidden love kind of situation.im catholic and im in love with an indian guy he is about my age, his religion is sikh.we have been together a while now. he always told me that in case his parents try to talk him in into an arranged marriage (again because they already tried but he said no) he will tell them the truth about me.a few days ago. that happen. he told his parents and they flipped out. they took his phone make him close all his accounts even mail, so he couldn´t talk to me. he managed to send some messages and he asked me to go to his house and tried to talk his that into our relationship. i went to his house but someone came out and told no one was there, i couldn´t do anything, neither his family could face me.the told him awful things like maybe if get married with him i will make him move out of his house and let his parents alone. and stuff like i will apart him from his religion.again he tried and send me some emails. he told his parents will let him go to college again ( he is in college with me). and he will send him away. maybe to canada or maybe out of their house.he told me that his mom was in the hospital because of his news. and that i have to be away from him because if she dies he will be responsible for it.they didn´t let him talk or let me talk to them. im willing to marry like a sikh and raise our kids in sikhsm. i think his that send me a text message telling me that he can´t marry me and that i should never try to look for him again.im so stressed out i want to help him but i can´t.i think the more i try to get close the more they will push him away from me.right now im praying for the life of his mother. even if he can´t be with me i want him to be full and happy. and i know all is family. and if his family is ok he will be ok.his family always has big fights about stuff like he getting married soon and he going away the minute he get his diploma( we are graduating next year)im hoping maybe he is overreacting may be if we wait a couple of days his father will calm down ,maybe his father will tell him not to see me anymore but not sending him out of the country.maybe his dad wants to scare him, maybe his dad needs to be mad for awhile.i think it´s 50/50 chance he will send his own son away. it´s so suddenly making him leave a year away from graduation, lettin everything behind.maybe his dad will think about it these days.im so sad because of this.im waiting till the end of the week. if he doesn.t show up to his classes i think maybe he will be gone like his father said. im so scared his father will marry him, i know they can´t make him say yes. they just can´t but maybe for all this pressure maybe he will give in. and he will never be happy. also they can´t make him go to canada. they can´t make him he could say no but again, maybe because of all this pressure he will give in.guys, do you think his father will come around?reply soon.what do you think i should do or shouldn´t do.and please don't say give up. because i won´t even if it takes me years to wait him to come back. i know he is the one.
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female
reader, Ilha  +, writes (20 February 2013):
Dear OP,I empathize with what you are going through.Looks like he is abiding to his family's wishes. Let him be as he is also suffering within. You have been right in your actions to miss the first day of college to unburden all your emotional feelings of betrayal, hatred, anger etc. And it is also wise that you have start on the right track of healing by making plans to be with friends and doing stuff that does not involve waiting for him.Keep that up. But remember that will be days that you will have setbacks. It is normal, go through the emotions, and you will be stronger.He is unable to talk to you now because he may not know what to say to you too. Believe me he is as hurt as you are but i think he depends on his family for his education and would be difficult for him to continue his studies without their support.Only time will heal your pain. How long depends on how strong you are. From your posts, I sense that you are a very strong, independent, wise and wonderful girl. You are indeed special, stay true to yourself. Take care my dear!!!!xxxxP/s you can write to me personally, if you want, by clicking on my name and send a post to me directly. But you do need to log in first using the account you have here.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): Thanks for everything ilha. I really appreciate all you have said to me. And i really listen to you.One last update.Yesterday he wrote me an email like nothing happened.He told me we should split the topics for our financial risk presentation and i was like wtf after everything you are still hiding.I just replied i wasn't coming back to that class.He didn't reply back.To a friend of ours he told that he dissapeard the weekend because he broke up with me and to please don't say anything to anyone and to please don't pick on me with that subject.He told him also that he was coming back to college.I didn't went to college yesterday cause i decided to be depress all i wanted and cry all i wanted yesterday and today suck it up like nothing happen.My friends told me he was kind of sad but he was ok and also that he was normal like nothing happened.So i will just let it be and calm down.Today im back to my classes and i will ocupy myself go out with friends.I aprecciate that you wish me happiness. I really do.I will hang on until it doesn't hurt me anymore. I know it will take long a time but i think i will make it through.I really don't know when does it stop hurting.I really doesn't if he will ever talk to me to know his side of was he is feeling.but i know if he never does i won't forgive him for turning his back on me like i was nothing.I can forgive because he can't be with me. I can't forgive him for living a lie like i never meant anything.Thanks for all of your comments.And i wish happiness for you too. Because i do feel better.
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A
female
reader, Ilha +, writes (19 February 2013):
Dear OP,Thanks for the update. This is a difficult time for everyone involved. I can imagine the pain and anguish you are suffering now. But from the beginning of this relationship, there was sure indications that it would be an uphill task to maintain your relationship.I think at the moment you need to let things cool down. Stop contacting him at the moment. As you have said, you are not sure who is actually sending you the emails. It is definitely easier said than done, I know.Make yourself busy. You can fight all you want for the relationship but at the moment it is not feasible. Just concentrate on your studies.The ball is now in his court. Let him decide what he wants to do. Do not pressurize him because if anything goes wrong, he would definitely blame you. If you are both meant for each other, it will definitely work out. Stay calm and focus on yourself. Take time to slowly accept the fact that he may not be yours to. Take time to heal. I reiterate, stop all contact, as it will be harder for you than for him. Get on with you life. I am sorry that you are facing such a dilemma. Be strong, dear!!! May you be blessed with happiness in the near future. xxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): Hi guys it's me.Im updating the situation from what's happening.Thanks Ilha.Well yesterday since morning he managed to write me some emails. He told me like his mother was in the hospital but she is better. He also told me to forgive him. He told me that he knows he promised me he will continuing trying even if it meant leaving his parents house. But seeing his mother like that suffering and in the hospital he can't keep the promise. He wanted but he couldn't.I told him that i wish his parents will be ok.He also told me. He thinks he will drop out of college. And he doesn't now what are they doing to him or where are his family sending him.he never wrote me back.At night i wrote him an email. With pictures of him and pictures of a sikh non sikh wedding he and his parents attended to. And i told him deserves to be happy. No one can't choose a different life for him a different life than what he wanted to be.Later at night he wrote back. He told me i should get my own way. That he got a fiancee from india. And to stop writing him love poetry. Farewell.I thought... something's wrong. But i was so angry i wrote him back telling me that no one can't fight for him only himself can fight for his family. I told him. I told him he was being a coward for hiding like this. And that so many people fight for these thing. He should too. And if he wanted to please him forever it was fine. But that he would need luck marrying someone he will never love.He wrote me back telling me that he wasn't hiding that his family wanted him to have a good education for good future.And i was like this isn't him.This is his father making him write me this things or making his sister do it.He will never write like that. He doesn't talk to me like that so formal.I thought maybe it is him maybe. But it wasn't. All the words that he used. It wasn't him. Im sure about that.Maybe you think and making myself believe that. But look in our country we all speak spanish and his family not being from here they have a little difficult time writing and speaking spanish. He did told me that time ago. He told me all his family speak like that. All neither him or his sister.So im sure it wasn't him. My biggest worry is that he doesn't have any communication with me. I don't if he will appear to college tonight or maybe someday this week. I can't go to his house even if i wanted it. I don'tknow when he will find a way and write.I don't if the message was even true. Maybe his father will not getting married maybe no right the way. Or maybe he will get him engaged and send him to college like never happened.Im worry what his father might do to him.If his father make him get married he will never forgive him. He will never be happy.And i think if he says yes will be for the "health" of his mother or father.I know him. He is like a time bomb. Like last year he tried to make them happy by knowing this girl the 20 days they gave them for this process. He could only handle 4 until he explote and told everyome he didn't wanted to marry that girl. His parents couldn't do a thing because her parents were there. So i don't know i don't want to get my hopes up. But at this point with hhim everything could happen.Don't think i wish he doesn't love the girl if he was getting married. I do wish him the best cause he deserves it.In his church he told me some cases.A girl of 17 years old when she graduated from college she told her father to sign the permission that she was getting married. She went to live with her boyfriend and a couple years later she had a baby and her family was ok with it. My bf told me her family was even worst than his in cases of accepting non sikh people.My bf talked to that girl and she told him even if it was difficult she wouldn'tchange a thing about her life cause she never been so happy.Other case was a guy that wanted to get married to a non sikh girl. And his dad told him he was going to kill himself if he doesn't get married to a punjani girl.My bf also talk to this guy and he told me even if his dad was all happy full of proud because all his familly was married 'well' this guy will never look the same to his dad again. He will live remorseful. He told my bf that it was the saddest thing he could ever do and that he regreted so much. It wasn't fair to the girl he married or for him.I just don't him to be sad forever.Im really sad too. But im more worried of what he must be feeling.Maybe you think im being to positive but maybe when that weeks pass and no one of his family is in the hospital they could talk better and maybe he could save himself of what will happen of he will knock under their threats.I trust he has enough strenght to make it through.
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A
female
reader, Ilha +, writes (18 February 2013):
Dear OP,I am glad that you read the other poster's problem that is similar to yours.From your update I sense that he really loves you to have done all that. However, his family is also very cunning in the sense that they are using health as threat to pressure him into accepting their decision. Definitely refusing to eat, is a common strategy used by the Indian mothers to make the sons feel guilty for going against them. The mother will eat only if the son promise her that he would give the girl they choose a chance or if he agreed to marry her. She is doing this as a last resort after all the stunts pull by your bf. Do read my suggestions on the other post and also what Cindy Cares have written in that same post. However, you are right in waiting to talk to your bf before you can decide what direction you need to take.My advice is focused towards ensuring the parents do not lose their son and you do not lose your boyfriend. A very difficult suggestion but with the possibilities that it may work out best for all parties. I am trying not to break any relationship up because all relationships are important. I would never recommend your bf leaving his family or even you leaving your bf.However, like I said in my last post to you, be prepared for anything. Eventually, you and him have to decide what is best for everyone and how both of you can go about doing that. I am sorry that in this millenium many couples of different background still have to face such obstacles and objections from their own family.Take care and good luck my dear!!! Please do keep us posted on your new developments. I hope the best for you!!! xxxxx
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (18 February 2013):
 I just read your update, OP.
It's NOT that his mother or father necessarily thinks you are a "bad person"; it's that you are not of the same race, religion, or way of life as they are.
Please, pay attention to what Ilha has told you. She sounds like a woman who has first-hand knowledge of the issues involved and problems you would be facing!
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (18 February 2013):
Sorry, but your situation is not one you can "win."
Look: his parents and family are COMPLETELY, and TOTALLY opposed to your relationship. They are not going to change, period.
What do you REALLY know about Sikh culture and religion? You would not only be expected to give up being Catholc, but you would have to be prepared to enter into an entirely different way of life. COULD you? Could you give up all that is familiar to you for the sake of this man? It would be FAR more difficult (read "impossible") than you realize!
He's not the only man on the planet. You'd be sensible to bow out - as wrenching and difficult as that would be.
Once again, this is a no win relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): Hi. I posted the question and i don´t know how to update it. lol.Well I know you all said that only if he really cares about me he will make a break to his family. I think he already did. By telling them the truth. I know some guys to sleep with others girls promise whatever they want to hear. Tell the girls that they will tell his parents about them but they never do. I've read so many cases like mine in this web site. And many persons of his religion never get to tell their parents because they are scared or because they are not sure about the girl or because they never wanted to do it in the first place.He did.He did it for me. For us.And thanks for all the advice but part of this is that they took everything from him. He doesn´t have anything to communicate with me. The only thing I can do is hope he comes back this week to college. But this week when?? I can´t stand the idea of sitting there waiting for him every time the classroom door opens.I've thought going to his house again. But I think this will make it worse so I don't know how his parents could get to know me and see I'm not as bad as they think I am.And I think if they get someone to marry him. He will say yes for pressure. The first time when he told his family he didn´t want the arranged marriage the whole family fought him. And his grandad watching this had a heart attack. My bf dad told him this was all his fault and that he should marry the girl, because all of that was happening because he didn´t want it. So he continued with the arranged marriage.Then his grandad told him not to listen his dad. That no one could force him to get married. And that he should marry the one person that makes him happy. And he dies.He tried again to tell them that he didn´t wanted the marriage but they didn´t listen.The girl came to our country and in only 4 days of knowing her, he stands up to his family and her family and told them he doesn´t want to make it through this. That he was sorry but he didn´t wanted to marry his daughter.The family couldn´t make him do it. They were mad for a couple of months. He told me everyone was depressed that his mom didn´t ate and never leave the bed and told him everything was his fault. They were ok at last. Mad at him at first.He cared enough about me to do that. And he cares enough about me to tell them the truth.I think maybe this time is like last time. He is scared because his dad tells him it is all his fault that his mom is in the hospital because of him. And I bet she is telling him the same thing because she already has in past times.And I think he will continue to please them. Not just for them to stop blaming him or to do what they want. I think he does this because he is scared something bad to them will happen if he continues fighting.
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A
female
reader, Ilha +, writes (17 February 2013):
Dear OP,I understand your predicament. Believe me it is tough for him too. Basically, Sikh and Hindu men and women, who live overseas, the family are more religious and strict, as they want to maintain their identity and culture in a country where they are definitely a minority.Besides, these families are very concerned of what their relatives would say about them if they allow the union of their children and their partners of different faith and culture.As all Asian children, we have been brought up to put our family's reputation first, respect them and obey them. Children are responsible to the well being of their parents. Therefore, it is not surprising that he has been trying to appease his family at these times because if any untoward incident happens, he will be blamed and directly, so will be you. He is really in a difficult situation, I can guarantee you that. It is not easy to just choose you and leave as suggested by a few agony aunts/uncles here. You need to find out if he really wants you in his life. If he does, you need to find ways to get to know his family and win them over by showing them how much you know about their culture and religion. But if your boyfriend is not willing to fight for the relationship, do not attempt what I have advised you.Lastly, people who are Sikhs are usually Punjabis and these people are those that do not like any other ethnicities getting into theirs, especially so marrying their Sikh men. They like to marry off their off springs within their community even though this may mean getting a bride from Punjab, if they were from there.I reiterate, ask your boyfriend if he wants the relationship, plan your actions, and do the best you can. However, please be prepared for the worst. It is a very difficult, delicate and complicated situation that you are in. Good luck and I really do hope the best for you dear!!!
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (17 February 2013):
Sorry, but he's hiding behind his parents. If he really wanted to continue with you and defy their wishes he's capable of marching out his own front door to be with you. People of certain religions, forbidden to have sex within their own communities sleep with Western women for fun (flattering/promising whatever's necessary to bed them) then meekly marry whoever's chosen for them. Find yourself a man of your own culture and outlook and quit wasting time over a coward with a bigoted family.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 February 2013):
 YOu write: "guys, do you think his father will come around?
what do you think i should do or shouldn´t do.
and please don't say give up. because i won´t even if it takes me years to wait him to come back. i know he is the one."
Well.... you're telling us that you don't want us to submit the reasonable response.... so, let me try to be as helpful as possible...
1. His father ISN'T likely to "come around." He has his beliefs.... and there's no reason for you to expect him to relax them. Consider this a "given."
2. You shouldn't/can't do a darn thing to change this situation.... so don't frustrate yourself with such a belief....
The REAL issue is between your B/F and his parents/family. IF you and he really want to make a life together.... then that will be predicated upon him making a MAJOR break from his family, its religion, culture and traditions. If - and ONLY IF - he cares so much for you that he will break from those people and circumstances, can you expect to, some day, have a life with him....
It MAY be that the years you will wait for him to come back will turn in to decades, and then forever. IF you are willing to wait... then we (Aunts and Uncles) might cheer for your fortitude.... but there really isn't much we - or anyone else - can offer for encouragement...
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): For this to work,he needs to be involved in this as you are..talking to his family didn't work,he has to decide either he sticks to you and later when his parents see how happy he is with you,may be they would accept it..I mean sending their son away,or getting him married to someone else is just going to ruin his life and even the girls!whenever u get a chance try talking to your boyfriend..
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