A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I actually have a secret that I've never told anyone who knows me and last night I nearly broke. Or maybe I am broken.I went to the gym with my boyfriend of just over one year and he has had his share of insecurities...and of telling me that he will cheat on me if I miss a phone call while I am at work or if I am away from my gchat on my computer for too long during the work day...and a fair share of telling me what a wh*re I am but that he needs me to get through this tough time he's going through right now. He's told me that the way to a peaceful relationship is to never leave him, never shout and to never hang up the phone on him. I have tried to leave him and he always tells me that "if you want to be with me, you can not do this this this or this or I will not accept you back" but the reality is, is that I never make it out the front door. He has told me that I am like my "b*tch of a mother who is a typical American who leaves men very easily only to be with another one" - and my mother has never done that. She and my father are divorced but somehow he thinks it's solely because of my mother and that "leaving" is what the women in my family do. i have never left a previous man who I have been with - I've been the one who was cheated on.I used to never shout, I am considered a very honest warm and loving person by all those who have gotten to know me, and his persistent questions about if i looked at this guy or looked at that guy with big eyes, if i have cheated on him or not, after almost 10 of the 13 months that we've been together have really worn me thin and I have started to shout after he doesn't listen to me the first 4 times he asks me and I calmly answer. I finally have started breaking when he does this to me and he tells me that I make a scene out of everything and that I make everything a big deal when it's not and that the only reason I am crying is because I know that what I was doing (wasn't, the reality he never has seen) was wrong and that I need to learn not to cry. I never used to hang up on people, but when I am called a b*tch and wh*re and yelled at on the phone, I hang up because I don't deserve to be told that. He has sworn on his mother's life that he will cheat on me if I 'keep being an arrogant b*tch'. Last night, after the gym, he comes in the apartment in a rampage asking me who the guy was and if i wanted to f*ck him. i answered patiently the first two times then I raised my voice because I am so fed up of his insecurities like that after so long. He ran into the kitchen and kicked the left side of my face so hard that I have a bruise about the size of two quarters on the left side of my jaw. He said later that he was sorry that he got so crazy but that he can not control himself when I shout.I can't get out of this relationship. he keeps making promises. I have no support system anymore because I've abandoned everyone because he didn't like her or him or her or this girl or this woman, etc. I am so terrified of him - being with him and being without him. Help?
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female
reader, Graci  +, writes (4 April 2009):
 First of all well done for being able to speak about it. You have taken the first step and now you need to keep being brave and get out of there. He does not deserve your patience and needs proffessional help.
I hope everything gets better soon for you - which it will! You are never alone, look at how many people have cared so much to take the time to offer advice.
Best wishes. x
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (2 April 2009):
 You have a lot of good advice already. But I want to point out the painful facts.
You are in an abusive relationship.
You have been assaulted.
These are criminal acts on his part.
You live in America and are over 21.
The reason that you haven't already gone to the police and sworn out a complaint is because he has systematically conditioned you to accept this kind of very wrong behavior. You need professional help, There are crisis centers etc.. If you just walk into an emergency room with your bruises it will get things started. Please don't let him or anyone do this to you. Please.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): Oh my, I feel for you! This is all just so painfully wrong, it's so dyfunctional and all the facts you laid out here, has clearly told me and the other Aunts on this page, that you are living your life, at the hands of a very dangerous man..an abuser. Sweety, the sensible way of seeing is this, is like a person who has an allergy to peanuts. So that person knows if they eat peanuts, they could die. So what do they do? They give up peanuts totally. But what if a person can't see living their life without eating peanuts? Then the peanuts will kill them. Rationale, right?Your bf is one messed up fellow. He has chosen to take your love and abuse you. A choice, yes. People who love the other, do not abuse! They encourage, they respect, they cherish the the person they love. This fellow of yours has all the red alert classic signs of an abuser. And I am feeling so bad, because YOU know it, but you are still there.. So why are you staying in a relationship that is potentially going to destroy you physically and spiritually. Why would you allow this? If a complete stranger treated you this way, you would not tolerate it, would you? So why are you routinely accepting it, from a man who is 'supposed' to love you? Someone you should feel safe, comfortable and put complete faith in. Abusers always keep their actions a secret when the hurt others. Be it gf's, wives and then sadly, usually the children, are next in line, eventually. Abusers always go after the innocent and the weaker. You need to save yourself by empowering your strength as a independant, free thinking, strong, strong woman and break free from this BS. You don't deserve this. And listen, the world works far better when people are known for exactly who they are and if they are forced to bear the consequences of their actions. That is justice--but this bf of yours has free reign to abuse you horridly and mistreat you... and that defies my common sense as well as it should yours. So why are you still there? The answer to this question is exactly why all this feels so unfair, so unjust and so painful to you. So, you have a choice. Stay with this man and put your life, your future at dire risk. Or you get away...fast. Start planning and take steps to get away asap. If he threatens you..have the police number handy. Better yet, let them know he may harass you afterwards. There is a good chance he will...a lot of these guys are stalkers. Because many of them are so insecure and so skewed in their thinking, they can't give up something they feel entitled to own. Please go. Go to people in your life who support you, care about you, and love you. People like trusted family and friends. Delete his e-mail, change your phone number, everything. Look into some counselling for yourself, you need help to understand why you, emotionally would feel, that you need to love a person like this. Learn something new about yourself and make some positive changes, in your life. Choose the people who deserve to be in your life. .
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A
female
reader, lola16182  +, writes (2 April 2009):
You definitely need to get out! Do you really want to live the rest of your life being controlled and threatened that he will cheat on for every little thing?
I know you said you have no support as you gave up people for him. It's very hard when you have no support system. But if anything do you have 1 person in your life you can trust?
If so, and this will depend on your financial status and if you work, but if you can MOVE! Preferably away from where you live as in a different city so you can get a fresh start, but if it's not feasible just somewhere out of the current house. That way he won't know where to find you or how to contact you. If you need to get a restraining order, make your job awaRE of the situation so he can't surprise you at work. Change your phone number, or make it so you can block his out.
If he can't control his temper now, how bad is it going to escalate in the future?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): Hey, I'm so sorry to hear about this relationship. At least, it used to be a relationship for you I guess.
Look, I know I'm not an expert at this, but seriously the best way to finally be happy is to leave him! I know it's hard, but it would be best to seek help from your friends and especially your family. Ask the police if you have to, too.
Has he said "I love you" to you? Because if he did, then it's probably not true. If he loved you, he would never dream of hurting you. He would respect you and never call you hurtful names. Well, maybe he would during a heated argument, but then he would apologize quickly. And, it would be very rare that you would have arguments too. If he doesn't love you, but you know he truly cares about you, he would never do those things.
So what if he has problems? He doesn't have to act that way if he has problems! Why can't he just talk to you? You have your own problems too. He's just too possessive. He shouldn't mind that you talk to other people because hello, there are other people in the world besides him, and who said you can't talk to anyone even if you were in a relationship? He has no right to hurt you physically. And why should you never leave him? Isn't that why God invented other people? He shouldn't be jealous and he should trust you. You're his girlfriend! He shouldn't be insecure because you should make him feel safe and make him feel that you're faithful. You obviously are faithful because of the length of your relationship! He's the one who makes a big deal out of things.
And what if you don't want to be with him anymore? You obviously don't want to be in a relationship if you're being hurt. How can you stand that?
Seriously, you should ask for help. Your friends may not approve of your boyfriend, but now that you want out, they will gladly help you because you're on the same page. I bet if you told them the truth, they will be even more motivated to help you. If they shun you, they're not true friends. And if they do, ask help from your family. Whichever parent you live with must help you because s/he is guarding you so it's their responsibility to protect you against anything. If they can't help you either, ask help from a guidance counselor or something. Or just get a restraining order. Your boyfriend can get the message then.
If he goes psycho, report him immediately. Or ask help from different people. It would be nice if you helped him too. Maybe he will realize the error in his ways.
And you should be even more terrified to be with him because he might do something worse than hit you.
You are more important than him, always remember that. Your boyfriend probably thinks that he is more important, too. He probably thinks he's also superior which gives him the right to hurt you. So, please dear, leave him!
I hope this helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): Take if from someone who has been there, done that-- Get away from this guy as fast as possible. Can you go to another town and stay with family or friends? If so, do it when he's out and take what you must but be quick. If you have no friends/family then go to a shelter it will be much better than where you are. This guy is one of those, I never thought he'd do that after he beats you to a pulp or heaven forbid kills you. I'm not trying to scare you, just leave and start over while you can. Oh, get a restraining order too and if he tries to contact you have his butt thrown in jail. I'm very worried and hope you get as far away from this ass as fast as you can dear. Run, run, run!
You deserve a real man that will love, adore,protect and treat you like a queen :)
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A
male
reader, Guitarist +, writes (2 April 2009):
 only read about 5 lines and thats all i needed to read. you need to leave him. he is no good for, he's treating you like a piece of garbage. if you dont leave him now it will never change and thats not fair on you. trust me, there are a few billion better guys than him out there.
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