A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Im a single GAY female over 40 and today at work as I walked in tea room I overheard her talking to another manager about setting me up with a 26 yr old asian guy who used to work with us and who likes me! And how I am " over 40" The other manager then said " A young and OK over 40 or not?" then they talked about if I was on facebook and if he will friend request me! I am on FB but am not friends with my boss..and will not accept any request from him. Omg! Im average looking and quiet and Im gay! Im not out at work due to privacy and its not their business! I like my manager, she's in her 30s and a good manager, and she only wants this guy to find a gf but me?? 40 something yr old average white gay woman? Makes me very uncomfortable! She and other manager have no idea I heard them talking.. If she suddenly invites this guy to a work function or he turns up at work "to say hi to us all" or she quizzes me on my love life and single status what do I say? What if he asks me out! Its not appropriate and Im gay! She's my boss and I cannot be rude Can I lie and say Im dating? What if this guy friend requests me on facebook? Ignore him Help!
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female
reader, boo22  +, writes (22 June 2016):
 Hi
I think your main problem here is how seriously you are taking it.
Please lighten up, you are going to make this into a big melodrama and it's not necessary.
If I were you would just be light hearted and say something like
" I've got t shirts older than him " and just laugh it off.
Tell them you like the older man or he's a very nice guy but he's far to young for me and that would be true and everyone would understand.
Say he's not your cup of tea or you don't want to date someone from work because it gets complicated
Are you terrified of being outed at work?
That's a real shame. Everyone who's gay where I work is out and proud. I can't imagine how you must feel.
Are you intending to never tell them? What if you are there for years? x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2016): Are you sure you were the one they were talking about it could it be another 40-some? I also think you weren't eavesdropping if you were right there and they knew it? Or did they ask you directly? Either way, you can reiterate that you do NOT friend people connected to work, past, present, or future. You can even tell the manager who friends you that. Tell her you keep your life at work SEPARATE from your life OUTSIDE work. That's up to you. However, I AM a manager and I have to say it's a HUGE red flag when my employees say that. If I have a potential employee, I check social media for pictures, posts, and tags. If I see nothing, I'm still wary. More often than not, they have friends who are more open. If I see anything questionable it's a no-go. This is because everyone's first and last are easy to find out. I don't care if it's a throwback Thursday from 10 years ago of a party, they're still representing us. While personal life should be separate (because I feel that's professional), I discourage hanging out outside work. I discourage dating or matchmaking but unless someone complains, I can't do much. i DEFINITELY act if there is a complaint. I have lost count how many meetings I have had to day, "keep personal life at home". We have had TOO many situations where someone had a party and only a few were invited. That has caused problems. Many years ago, an employee always hosted Derby parties where they rented disha indoir lodge at a park for friends, neighbors, coworkers could bring a dish. Everything was fine until a coworker hooked up with the employee's underage son. We had to say that if employees want to invite people somewhere OUTSIDE work, it has to happen OUTSIDE work and no one needs to go. We discourage hanging out/dating even employees on the use level in case someone gets promoted. Yes, we have had problems before where two females friendship soured after one was promoted. The newly promoted employee stopped spending time/talking to her friend outside work to avoid accusations of favoritism. The employee didn't take that well and suddenly the accusations of all sorts of things came flying in. This is why I don't understand why a MANAGER would want to stick her nose in someone's personal life!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (21 June 2016):
 Aw sweetie...I'm sorry this has happened to you but don't freak out ok? As bad it sounded overhearing them talk about you, perhaps it was better because at least things didn't just come crashing down around you and you not have a clue it was going to happen.
First of all, who you date/don't date is NONE of anyone's business. You don't need to tell anyone your sexual preferences! If approached, I would just politely "I am uncomfortable discussing such things and I'd appreciate that this be the one and only time this is ever brought up to me. Thanks but no thanks".
You also don't need to friend ANYONE on facebook if you don't want to. Again..no one's business but yours.
Don't freak out and don't let anyone walk all over you or make you uncomfortable. If you state firmly and clearly what you feel usually even the most dense people will get the idea.
I'm sure that your bosses think they are helping but I don't blame you for feeling strange and uncomfortable. Sometimes people just need to leave things alone!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 June 2016):
 I agree with Honeypie.
status is "happily single"
sexual orientation is NONE of Anyone's Business
i ignore friend requests all the time...there is no law that says you have to accept them.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (21 June 2016):
They have NO RIGHT setting you up with anyone gay or not! How dare they! You don't have to discuss your sexuality with anyone if you don't want to. It's no one's business! Also the mention of your age can be seen as ageism which is a form of discrimination. I'd suggest you tell them to stop trying to set you up and that your love life is no ones business. That's all you need to say. If you're afraid to tell them, ask someone you trust to or write it down in a letter to them if you'd rather and keep a copy.No need to mention you're gay just tell a trusted workmate this 'setting you up' issue is unwelcome. Failing that speak to senior management or HR, who ever is the big boss where you are. This is becoming harassment. If it's making you uncomfortable then its a big problem. Good luck and hugs to you.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (21 June 2016):
 Thanks...but Im happily single. That it, all you need to say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2016): If anyone approaches you about any personal issues in your life, such as your single status; you have to remind them that it makes you feel uncomfortable when they do that.
You don't have to be rude, but assert the fact that you don't like people setting you up for dates.
In the United States, all businesses have to offer sexual-harassment training; and have an established and distributed code of ethics and conduct for employees. Managers are trained to monitor behavior and to oversee appropriate conduct at the workplace; so no employee feels intimidated or uncomfortable due to an atmosphere that makes inappropriate references to gender, age, sexual-orientation, disability, or race. Your sexual-orientation and who you care to date has nothing to do with your job-performance or employment.
They are over-stepping, but you were also eaves-dropping.
Managers often discuss very sensitive topics among themselves; and it your business to keep your distance when you see them together. You got an ear-full. You stuck around until you got more than you could handle. Now you know and can plan your deflection strategy.
You've got a head's-up and all you need to do is intervene on their plan. Simply bring it up in casual conversation that your friends have been trying to set you up; and it's something you absolutely hate people to do. You are happy just as you are and don't need anyone's help. If the gentleman makes any improper advances of any sort, be totally standoffish. He'll get the point. If he persists, take it to HR. Be as cold as you like. It's inappropriate anyway!
As for your age, they have broken more rules than you can shake a stick at. Those nosy busy-body cackling hens are setting your company up for a possible harassment suit.
You sometimes have to assert yourself and not hide out of intimidation. Your boss doesn't own you, she supervises your work and productivity. Not your social and personal-life. You have to be woman enough to tell people when to mind their own business; or sit around scared all the time. You don't have to come out of the closet, just remind people when they are crossing the line. Any man who approaches you, and you don't like it; you let him know in no uncertain terms. Period!
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (21 June 2016):
 I wouldn't say you have a boyfriend as the other women in the office might want to talk about their men and start asking you questions about yours.I don't see an issue here, just say no, when your asked. "He's nice, but I'm just not interested."
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 June 2016):
 Go talk to your boss when she is by herself, like in her office - ask her if she has a minute. Then tell her in the nicest way that you would like her to stop trying to set you up with other co-workers or anyone in general. Tell her:" thanks for your concern but if I need your help finding a partner.. I will come ask." You don't have to explain that you are gay, your sexual orientation is NONE of he beeswax, neither is finding you a "date".
As for the guy, yes ignore his friend-request or deny it. It's OK. You don't OWE him anything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2016): this is posterI did NOT encourage him when he worked with us! I treated him politely and with respect, as I do with all colleagues. This isn't my fault..help!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2016): this is poster..The two people talking were my boss and an assistant manager..
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