A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I feel a bit ridiculous asking for help on this site but I'm not sure what else to do. My problem is about my ex. I'm a gay guy and I met my ex over a year ago (may 08), he was the first guy i properly dated and i was his. He wasn't even out when we started dating and only started to come out to his first few friends whilst we were together. Even though we were only together for 4 months, I completely fell for him. I've never felt anything so intense. At the time I didn’t realise how much I needed and loved him but after we broke up I was totally heartbroken.He on the other hand, was only really having fun. He told me that I made him realise that he could have a proper relationship with a guy (as oppose to hookups), and thats why we dated, but after 4 months he dumped me because he couldn’t handle it. He found us being together to be too stressful as I wanted a serious relationship and he couldn’t cope with that - ie, couldn't introduce me to his mates, etc. So in the end he broke it off and said he wanted to date other people. The actual break up was messy – I caught him in a bar with someone else and we broke up that night outside the bar. He told me the guy was just a friend (I didn’t see them pull) but I was never sure if he was cheating on me or not.Once we broke up he completely broke off all contact. About 2 months later he emailed me saying to see how I was and also told me he was seeing someone else. We’ve met twice since we broke up – once in March and again at the start of August, each time he’s said he wants to stay friends. Both times I thought I was able to meet him and be friends but in actual fact it left me feeling devastated. The last time he told me his was in love with the new guy that he’d been dating since last November. I, on the other hand, have not dated anyone since for any length of time. I’ve been on countless first dates but they just can’t seem to go any further – I just don’t like them enough.The first few months after we broke up I was absolutely devastated. Since then I’ve gone through phases of feeling really depressed about it, but still speaking to my friends and stuff. They’ve all advised me to completely break contact with him. I know that I shouldn’t have met him in August but I couldn’t help myself – I feel like I’ve been hanging on for him to change his mind for so long and I had to go and see. That meeting bought back a lot of the pain I’d felt and longing for him and made me feel really shit about myself for not having found anyone new. Following that last meeting I sent him an email telling him the truth about what he meant to me and asking him to not contact me again. I explained that I couldn’t handle being friends with him anymore.My problem now is that despite cutting contact I just can’t stop thinking about him. He’s always on my mind, every day, every morning. I often dream about him. Before I could live with it because I thought it would fade with time but now its been 13 months and I still feel the same way. I’m starting to feel desperate and am worried that if it continues for much longer I’m going to get depressed. I really don’t know what to do about this now. None of my friends want to hear about it anymore either… I’m not sure if I should go get some professional help or whether that’s an over-reaction. Why can’t I forget him? Have I just handled it badly? I really want to move on but I’m just plagued by these feelings and I don’t know what to do.Help please!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): I completely understand, the whole situation with dating while not out.
I met my ex Pat, when I was dealing with another break up, from a boy who moved from the States to Germany.
When things ended with the German Yankee, a month later Pat found me. We talked non stop and had such a unbelievable connection.
After two weeks though he was scared of being gay and left. At that same exact time i got a call from GY saying that he missed me. SO he was coming home for a month during Christmas, I thought perfect time to reconnect.
Well that didnt go so well, and at about same time GY was breaking my heart, during Christmas, Pat was there the whole time. Even the night that GY broke my heart completely and told me he wanted nothing left to do with me.
Pat was there, to comfort me and to guide me. I broke my phone so me and him went looking for one at 12:30 at night.
I was smoking at the time, and Pat got me to stop a month after we started dating.
After New Years I didnt know Pat still wanted to be with me so I dated another guy only to get him head over heels jealous by accident. When this other guy stopped talking after 2 dates, I professed that I too wanted to be with Pat.
From January 12, 2009 to October 9th 2009, I dated Pat, It was the most magical time of my life. The passion we shared, and the fun we had was unlike any other relationship I had. We did most of it in secret, except in my town which is divided from his by a large bridge.
The summer we lived together for a month, and he lived 3 hours away so would come down every other weekend to spend time with me somehow. He even took a 2 1/2 hour drive from a mini vacation with friends to spend 9 hours with me before dirving 3 back to where he lived at 5AM the next day!
It all began to unravel when i visited him at his summer place 3 hours away. I dont know why to this day, and I cannot fathom what happened there in Maine. I knew on our drive back to my home in our respective cars at the end of the summer before he went to his parents house for a week before college that something had changed. I could see it in his eyes, and feel it in his touch.
Things did get slightly better for a few weeks. After three weeks went by, He came over and for a few days had been acting strange, He announced he thought he needed a break to see if he surely loved me. I didnt want it and we alternated crying for 4 hours. We ended with the break decision. 4 hours later I called him to talk and we decided that it was a terrible idea. We met up haflway between our homes and made up with a few kisses.
Three weeks later things started taking another turn. He stopped calling me all the nicknames, babe, baby, boo, etc. I asked him finally one night what the hell was wrong, I knew something was and I didnt want to lose him. He assured me he would always love me. And that he would always be there for me.
The next day I went about my business expecting him around 1pm, I went and bought us Chinese. As i rounded the corner to get back to my street he was about to pull in too, I could see something so wrong with his face. We pulled in and walked into my house, He then says I need to talk to you, I immedietly started crying knowing that it was the end. I just knew it. It made sense the things he said and the things he did leading up to this.
He told me he didn't feel it anymore. That he hadn't for weeks and had been trying because he cared so much for me but simply didn't feel in love with me anymore. He told me that it was for good and he wanted me to be happy and that is why it was over. He needed to move on and forget me to be happy. I let him go that day and prayed things would change quickly like the last time. They did not.
We didnt speak for several days and finally he texted to check on me. We started some daily texting banter, he needed my help when he bought a new comp so i helped, I needed his help with a class so he helped.
Then I went on a vacation to visit friends in Florida. I was talking to this guy online who knew Pat, and knew alot of his friends. With the intention of finding out if Pat was hooking up with this kid Mikey i stupidly messaged him
and started a convo with him. I told him i had dated a few guys at URI, one was a kid named Joey, and then I said and then there was another who Jon knew. He asked me a few more questions and then I admitted his name was Pat. He asked if it was same Pat he was thinking and I said yes.
I explained how much I loved him and wanted to protect him. this kid told me he would tell no one. Then turns around and tells Mikey who he said he basically hated when we spoke.
Pat calls me out the next night then goes silent via SMS. The next night I am getting into bed around 1am i get a drunk IM from Pat.
For three hours I cried and begged for forgivness via video chat. He told me he was done and I had hurt him and there was nothing I could do to make it better. That he needed time without me to figure out what the hell was going on in his life. He WAS over me. He WAS hooking up with Mickey (never cheated). I was obviously heartbroken.
I simply don't know anymore it has been another week so three weeks altogether. Short in comparison to you and many others. I just miss him and all the memories. If I could I wish I could have them simply taken out and erased then I might feel better.
I as well do not know what to do.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 October 2009):
You've got to give it time. It takes time to get over a relationship. If you feel that you have got a lot of feelings, then you would be better to speak to a counsellor to help you understand them. Just keep going out and doing things, keep busy. You will get there, but it will take time.
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