A
male
age
,
*d123
writes:Hi I don't want to be married any more but I am afraid to be single. It would mean huge financial losses and a free fall but I want to feel what being in love feels like again. We have been married 22 years but it is now an empty love marraige. We sleep in separate rooms and have not had sex in over 6 months. otherwise we co-exist well and do not fight. I am not in love any more, we have tied counseling over the years and almost broken up.I have met another female who I feel strongly about (feelings of love) but have not had an affair. I want to leave my marriage before I seriously get involved with another person. It's scary since I do not know if things would work out in the end and I will be left with no-one.The new person I met is very decent and does not want to commit herself or have relations with a married man or be a girl on the side, even though we get on very well and seem to have feelings for each other.She does not want to be the reason I leave my wife but the truth is that I would not do so otherwise because my married life is peaceful though I am not happy or excited to be alive. She said I should only leave my marriage for my own happiness and not because of her. Please give some advice and try to understand what I am going thru. Thanks
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male
reader, Ed123 +, writes (2 June 2009):
Ed123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto 'ask olderSister
Thanks for the reply you are right on. The new lady feels like my long lost love 'love at first sight' or true love to me ... but she is reluctant to commit and has alot of baggage from another relationship and worries etc., so I have my doubts now too.
If she was totally committed to me it would help me make up my mind but she keeps saying 'I can't allow myself to get too attached to you - I don't want to get hurt again.
If I make the decision to leave it has to be for myself and not for the new lady and the hope of true love and the happiness it brings
A
male
reader, Ed123 +, writes (2 June 2009):
Ed123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionre Last person:I have not felt 'in love' with wife for years. it had nothing to do with new lady. New lady just makes me remeber what love can be. New lady won't have an affair. Anyway my wife says okay to open marriage so it would not qualify. FYI, Cheating is when you lie and sleep with others not when there is a mutual agreement to see others. I have not slept around and have done everything on the up and up. I prefer to just end the marriage before seeing others.financially I have no problems splitting assets - she makes more than I do. I only mention it because it would be seriously affected in general
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): "Help me decide what is best." no one here can do that for you. if we criticise you , you will get defensive and tell us to get off our high horses (that is what all the others that have affairs do, then we get blamed for being judgemental). if we condone your affair then what does it speak of ourselves.so to each his own. YOU need to decide what to do. you are doubting your relationship with this other woman and you are afriad to be alone. yes you want the sex with the new woman but you want the stability of your wife. you want the freedom with this other person yet you also want your financially stability intact. the fact that you do not want to divide your assets after 22 yrs mean either you are selfish in not wanting your wife to get her legal share or you believe that your wife doesn't deserve it.after 22 yrs yes a relationship gets stale, but it is how you handle this that counts. do you run out like what you did and find someone new and exciting or do you work through the mandane, look for ways to stimulate and create new excitment in the marriage. "I feel no passion for her anymore and am unable to rekindle it. Don't want sex or to hold hands" the reason you do not even want to try with your wife is that the other woman is providing this to you. the option is there you just CHOOSE not to. you have MADE a choice and either are too stupid to change or you are just indifferent. this other woman provides the goods therefore you want nothing from your wife.so in the end it is all about choices. my sisters hb had an affair(s?) once. we think he was contemplating ending their 21 yr marriage to be a younger female. one day my sis came home early and overheard her hb on the phone to the other woman. my bro in law said, "i just cannot see myself starting all over again. i have too much to lose" needless to say after that problems still in her marriage but SLOWLY her hb started to make changes, slowly he started showing love and affection again for his wife. whereas in the past he too had no passion for his wife, no romance, in fact he never wanted to have sex with her, it was all over in minutes and he also had problems of impotency (or she just did not turn him on any more). she went through HELL. the emotional pain, the anguish, turmoil in her life. we suspect that his affair lasted 2 yrs. fast foward a few yrs - i spoke to her on sunday and he described to me how "sexy" she was looking and both she and her hb were on their way out for the day. they often go to the beach, just fishing or to the mall , trying to spend quality time together. these two got married when she was 18 / he 19. month after his affair, then there were no impotency problems with him. what i am trying to tell you is that her hb MADE A CHOICE and he stuck to it. yes it was hard, it takes time but if you are willing to put in the extra time, and rekindle the love/lust/romance then it is worth it. so YOU too need to make that choice and stick to it. it won't be easy but it will be worth it. in life we all have choices , its the decisions we make that determine whether we like the person staring back at us in the mirror. you see, we can fool many many people but can we fool ourselves. i think you know the answer.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 June 2009):
 I believe that we should not miss the point that the poster is asking the question in good faith. His situation is that of many people. I don't think there is an easy answer.
I don't think one should stay with one's partner just because one has already been with him/her for very long. I don't think, either, that leaving a partner should be an almost frivolous decision to make. I don't think you should stay with someone because the other love interest in your life can't give you guarantees; in case no one noticed, there are never guarantees, in any relationship.
I don't like to criticize other people's posts, but I have to make reference to one here. I don't think that the fact that a wife is willing to let the husband have an open relationship is a valuable thing in itself, or a show of love. It can be the ultimate in indifference, as in "I don't care if he sleeps around". It can also be a desperate attempt not to recognize the truth. An "open relationship" is also an open door to many problems. If I see this from the point of view of the poster's son, if I knew that my father is sleeping with someone else, I would wonder why he should stay with my mom. An "open relationship" is another term for "facade".
Many couples find ways to stay together despite the fact that they no longer feel sexually attracted to one another. I am aware that "an open relationship" is one way to achieve such a thing.
I think the poster should go away and reflect on his life, knowing that he has to make a decision, and someone will be affected, no matter what he decides. The decision should not be based on how much the relationship with the other lady would last; it has to be done on the basis of what the poster wants to do with his life.
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A
male
reader, Ed123 +, writes (2 June 2009):
Ed123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'll reply to these questions:
Are you lusting after this other woman and confusing it with 'wanting to be loved'?
ans: I don't think so we met at a dance I volunteer at. At first it was just dancing then felt like love at first sight. I think of her when I wake and go to sleep. It is not about sex.
WHY has your marriage broke down, WHY don't you love her anymore?
We have little in common, boredom, but get on amiably enough. I feel no passion for her anymore and am unable to rekindle it. Don't want sex or to hold hands. I'm in a marriage but not "in love" anymore. Sorry ..it happens - counseling did not help. We tried many things in the past but always comes back to this.
Do you know if leaving your wife of 22 years would completely destroy her?
I hope not. She is still my best friend. This is part of my
ordeal - don't know how to do this without hurting her.
Do you have children that will be affected by this?
A son but he is grown and in college.
Do you know if a relationship with this other woman will last?
No. I tried to press her to make a strong commitment to me but she will have no part of it because I am married and live with my wife. She has stated that she feels terrible for my wife allowing me to go out. She does not want me to leave my wife on account of her because the relationship may go nowhere. So I need to leave of my own free will.
You should look deep in your heart and consider the after effects of every outcome.
I know that is why I need some help here.
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A
male
reader, rocknroll +, writes (2 June 2009):
Before you can move on, you need to clear up the past.
Why do you not love your wife anymore?
If a wife is willing to sacrifice for her husband and allow an open marriage, she surely still loves him. I am surprise you do not see this.
Starting something new has no guarantees. Understanding what has happened between you and your wife can be corrected. It is you that is willing to throw away 22 years, and you say you fear this other woman dumping you if you do leave your wife. This alone should be a wake up call to make you reaccess your situation.
Something is still present between you and your wife, we can hear it through your words. It appears your wife would rather remain with you even as bitter as you may be then to loose you.
You need to reassess this. Take a 2 to 4 week vacation alone somewhere and clear your mind.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (2 June 2009):
This post of yours has many angles to it.
I guess, however, that it's clear that, as is almost always the case in life, to win something you have to give something else up. There can't be a solution that will keep everyone happy. The supposed "middle ground", having a mistress, would certainly NOT be a solution, and the other lady was quick to point that out.
I think you see your own situation as "bad", but not as bad as to have you running away. If you were throwing dishes at each other, then you wouldn't think about staying. But, since things are peaceful, polite and respectful, there's no rush. You do not want to leave unless something extremely good makes it worth trying. I am afraid there are no such guarantees in life, and, on the other hand, that way of thinking also suggests that you don't really want to leave your wife.
I am sure that is what the other lady thought, and that is why she's saying that she doesn't want to be the reason why you leave your wife. I bet she's also afraid that you would blame her if your relationship with her didn't work. And, again, that's a chance you need to take in every relationship.
I guess this is all a matter of making up your mind. In the situation as it is, not as you would want it to be, will you rather stay with your wife, or not?
I do understand your feelings, but I'm afraid there can be no other opinion in this regard. It would be wrong to tell you to leave or to stay, as that would imply making a decision for you, and we're only supposed to give opinions that will help YOU decide.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): I'm only young and this situation is very upsetting and terrifying to me. I think you should consider these points.
Are you lusting after this other woman and confusing it with 'wanting to be loved'?
WHY has your marriage broke down, WHY don't you love her anymore?
Do you know if leaving your wife of 22 years would completely destroy her?
Do you have children that will be affected by this?
Do you know if a relationship with this other woman will last?
You should look deep in your heart and consider the after effects of every outcome.
I hope you'll be happy x
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A
male
reader, Ed123 +, writes (2 June 2009):
Ed123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI care for my wife but do not want to be with her anymore "am not in love". I have feelings of love with other women .. do I make a clean break before I have an affair. What is the best way to end a marriage. My wife is willing to let me have an open marriage to saty together but the kind of women I like will have nothing to do with amarried man - open marrage or not. I just want to be happy agsin but do not want to hurt my wife of 22 years.
Help me decide what is best.
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A
male
reader, rocknroll +, writes (2 June 2009):
Clearly you seem torn between what you once had with your wife and what you have now. Would this be correct?
I think many marriages run into this problem, I myself am in it to, except no sex for a year. Mostly, my choice because I feel she holds me in contempt, if that makes sense. At times, it seems we improve and that for a moment, things could be on the upswing, but quickly die, probably because our body language indicates we just recalled the horrible feelings we have experienced with on another.
Marriage counseling has a low suvvess rate, and reports claim the majority divorce after marriage counseling.
As in my case, I think the problem between you and your wife is at least similar, and because of each others perceive hurt by the other, it keeps you apart.
Deep down, this girl only refreshes what you once had with your wife. You want so much to be loved, that you fear your next relationship may end up like the present one. If your wife won't open up, and you are the type willing to open up, then you will continue what you have. This you do not describe in your post.
For the other woman, if the above rings partially true, then you are not in the least ready to pursue this other gal.
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