A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, well I have my eye on the this guy in school, but he is COMPLETELY off limits! I'm comstantly thinking about him. When i'm not thinking about him, i'm admiring him from afar. It's getting to the point where i'm going insane. I was hoping someone could give me tips on how to get him off my mind. Please help me! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mitra +, writes (9 October 2007):
Over 10 years ago I worked with these two guys, Keith and Shane and we became pretty close friends. We hung out all the time and went to parties and out with friends, not always all three of us, sometimes Keith and I and our friends from work. I was never alone with either guy. Then one day Keith and I started to flirt and eventually one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together but only 3 times in like 3 years. We never spoke about the sex or us if there was ever actually an us but I could not get him out of my mind. I obsessed over him and dreamed of being his girlfriend and maybe one day his wife. I could not tell him how I felt because we were never alone. We never even spoke on the phone, and we only seen each other when friends were out with us and we never arranged going out together. Sometimes he would flirt with other girls at work and it really hurt my feelings. He was always going places with friends and I was never invited to be included in any part of his life. I started to get real depressed and I always made my self available hoping he would make a move and ask me on a real date and when that did not work I was very hurt, eventually I wanted revenge and I said terrible things about him and did things that were hurtful. Over the years after I quite that job I seen him less and less. I only seen him at parties or friends houses and I did stupid things like flirt with other guys and did everything to get his attention but he did not seem to notice me very much although when he did talk to me he was very kind and when we talked for a few minutes at a time, it was like I was the center of his universe. I never understood why we never became closer. I suppose if he had a girlfriend or was dating someone it would have made sense but that he did not.
Years later I met a really great guy but secretly compared this guy to Keith. At first Mike seemed very similar but treated me much better and always wanted to be with me and that is why I think I feel in love with him. But after 5 years of marriage to Mike I still dreamed of Keith and every time over the years I seen Keith, it brought back those old feelings and hurt me deeply.
Just when I stopped thinking of Keith, I would have a dream about him and I would be doing every thing in my power to impress him and try to be noticed and in the dreams, he would shun me and flirt with other girls or talk about some event he was going to or a vacation he was taking alone. Oh how I longed to be with him. How hurt I felt.
Then last year I was at a wedding and I totally ignored my husband and hung on to Keith like he was my security blanket. I just wanted to enjoy his company and be forever stopped in time with him. He actually opened up a little that night and said that he felt something when he was with me that he never felt with anyone else yet he did not know what it was. He is funny and charming yet a total loner. This was like the first time I really got to talk to him alone, well not exactly, there was about 100+ other people at the wedding. In my drunkenness I also made a fatal mistake that could have totally ruined my marriage and ended me up in another one nighter with Keith which would have led to nothing but false hopes and the end of my marriage. My husband I got into a huge fight that night. He did not understand why I monopolized the evening speaking to this guy that I use to work with. I am not sure I understood either.
I apologized with all my heart to my husband yet I still thought of Keith. I started to think that maybe if I smoothly things over with Keith that I would feel better so over the next few days I contacted Keith by e-mail and apologized to him for the hurtful things I said and my behavior in the past. He accepted. In all my time knowing Keith he never made me any promises and never wanted anything from me. It was me who created his whole fairytale life and I was the one who let things get so intense those three times. He never gave me false hope or asked anything of me. I expected all these things from him which he in return was never willing to give. He is a loner and always seemed angry at the world and I could identify with that because I had suffered from depression. I know that is what drew me close to him. After a few e-mails back and forth including no questions, only statements and me telling him about my new life and my achievements, I finally realized that I have what I have been searching for my whole life right here. I have the greatest husband and all my dreams seem to be turning into reality with Mike. Keith has nothing to offer me. I thought about this for a long time and what would I do if he did open his heart to me, would I leave my husband and family and move into his little apartment and give up my house and dreams and life for a guy who would ignore me and of coarse there would be a lack of love and probably a lot of resentment when he went out traveling or out with friends and left me alone. I know Keith cannot truly give his heart to another or at least to me. He has always been like that, wondering the world like a lost traveler. I finally came to understand that it was all a schoolgirl fantasy I had about him and not true love. I don’t have the time and energy to chase anyone hoping for love. That is not love. Last night I had this dream that I was at a party and Keith showed up with some friends. I was feeling very ugly in the dream. No makeup, dressed in sweats, feeling tired and yet I did not care. I can't believe I did not care and yet I made some small talk with Keith with no agenda or ideas or any hopes and then in the dream for the first time unexpectly he kissed me this really passionate kiss. I broke apart from him and still in shock asked “What the heck are you doing?”. In any other dreams I would have never pulled away from him. In this dream he kept asking me if I was really happy and dug to find flaws in my life and was asking me all sorts of questions about if I am truly happy with Mike. I started talking about the bad times in my marriage and then realized what was happening. It's like I finally understood everything and I explained that every marriage is work and takes energy and partnership and being best friends and lovers and having goals together and I started to talk about all the good things, the truly happy times. It was then that I realized that I am finally over Keith for good. It’s funny how things work out. Never again, will I obsess over what could have been. I have the best husband in the world and a great life and a great family and I am not taking this for granted anymore. I feel I have really grown and I can’t seem to understand why I never understood this before or why I wasted so much time and energy thinking about Keith. It is truly amazing how this understanding just came to be. I just want to say don't waste your life on what could have been or living in the past. It is best to enjoy what you have now and live in the moment.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): Over 10 years ago I worked with these two guys, Keith and Shane and we became pretty close friends. We hung out all the time and went to parties and out with friends, not always all three of us, sometimes Keith and I and our friends from work. I was never alone with either guy. Then one day Keith and I started to flirt and eventually one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together but only 3 times in like 3 years. We never spoke about the sex or us if there was ever actually an us but I could not get him out of my mind. I obsessed over him and dreamed of being his girlfriend and maybe one day his wife. I could not tell him how I felt because we were never alone. We never even spoke on the phone, and we only seen each other when friends were out with us and we never arranged it. Sometimes he would flirt with other girls at work and it really hurt my feelings. He was always going places with friends and I was never invited. I started to get real depressed and I always made my self available hoping he would make a move and ask me on a real date and when that did not work I was very hurt eventually I wanted revenge and I said terrible things about him and did things that were hurtful. Over the years after I quite that job I seen him less and less. I only seen him at parties or friends houses and I did stupid things like flirt with other guys and did everything to get his attention but he did not seem to notice me very much although when he did talk to me he was very kind and when he did talk to me, it was like I was the center of his universe. I never understood why we never became closer.
Years later I met a really great guy but secretly compared this guy to Keith. At first Mike seemed very similar but treated me much better and always wanted to be with me and that is why I think I feel in love with him. But after 5 years of marriage to Mike I still dreamed of Keith and every time over the years I seen Keith, it brought back those old feelings and hurt me deeply.
Just when I stopped thinking of Keith, I would have a dream about him and I would be doing every thing in my power to impress him and try to be noticed and in the dreams, he would shun me and flirt with other girls or talk about some event he was going to or a vacation he was taking.
Then last year I was at a wedding and I totally dissed my husband and hung on to Keith like he was my security blanket. I just wanted enjoy his company. He is funny and charming yet a total loner. This was like the first time I really got to talk to him along, well not exactly, there was about 100 other people at the wedding. In my drunkenness I also made a fatal mistake that could have totally ruined my marriage and my husband I got into a huge fight that night. He did not understand why I monopolized the evening speaking to this guy that I use to work with.
I apologized with all my heart to my husband yet I still thought of Keith. Over the next few weeks I contacted Keith by email and apologized to him for the hurtful things I said and my behavior in the past. He never made me any promises and never wanted anything from me. It was me who created his whole fairytale life and I was the one who let things get out of control those three times. He never gave me false hope or asked anything of me. I expected all these things from him which he was never willing to give. He is a loner and was once angry at the world and I could identify with that because I had depression. Anyway after a few emails back and forth and me telling him about my new life and my achievements, I finally realized that I have what I have been searching for my whole life right here. I have the greatest husband and all my dreams seem to be turning into reality with Mike. Keith has nothing to offer me. I thought about this and what would I do, leave my husband and family and move into his little apartment and give up my house and dreams and life for a guy who would ignore me and of coarse there would be a lack of love and probably a lot of resentment and I know Keith cannot truly give his heart to another. He has always been like that, wondering the world like a lost traveler. I finally came to understand that it was all a schoolgirl fantasy I had and not true love. I don’t have the time and energy to chase anyone. That is not love. Last night I had this dream that I was at a party and Keith showed up with some friends. I was feeling very ugly in the dream. No makeup, dressed in sweats, feeling tired and yet I did not care. I made some small talk with Keith and then in the dream for the first time unexpectly he kissed me this passionate kiss. I broke apart from him and still in shock asked “What the heck are you doing?”. In any other dreams I would have never pulled away from him. In this dream he kept asking me if I was really happy and dug to find flaws in my life but asking me all sorts of questions about if I am truly happy with Mike. I started talking about the bad things in my marriage and then realized what was happening. I then explained that every marriage is work and takes energy and partnership and being best friends and lovers and I started to talk about all the good things. The truly happy times. It was then that I realized that I am finally over Keith for the good. It’s funny how things work out. Never again, will I obsess over what could have been. I have the best husband in the world and a great life and a great family and I am not taking this for granted anymore. I feel I have really grown and I can’t seem to understand why I never understood this before. It is truly amazing.
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (12 September 2007):
Talk with friends about something real. Watch lots of comic movies. Exercise and work out.
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A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (12 September 2007):
 Live in your fantasy, you'll get tired of it after a while. Time, it takes time.
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