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anonymous
writes: Every so often about once a month I feel very moody towards my girlfriend and others. The thing is im a nice person and I don't know why I feel this way toward them but I have been talking to my mum about it recently and she may have knocked the nail on the head.I am a nice person who doesn't like conflict and can't be nasty toward people. I find it hard to be assertive and find it hard to be nasty back if someone says somthing nasty toward me. My mum thinks that I hold grudges on certain things that have happened a few months ago, things that I didn't defend myself over for example. Subconsiously my mind is telling me that I should resolve this situation and get it free of my body.There have been a few things my girlfriend has said as she can be very cheeky at times. But I have not defended myself and I think this mood is due to this.Can anyone give me advice on how I can start to be assertive.Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, cupidhelper  +, writes (24 September 2007):
First, you need to seperate "cheeky" from personality-- which yours is of the "hold a grudge" type. Some sensitive people find all sarcastic people abrasive or attacking. Even if it's not your humor, you'er choosing to be with this girl, and she should not be penalized for your personality difference or quirks (homor is a difference, not a quark; not telling people you're angry then acting like time has stood still the past month and since you're ready to be mad at them, they are expecting it/waiting for it, really and understand exactly what they did 3-7 weeks ago to make you upset-- that's a quirk!!!
That said, you have to tell her of your Mum's discovery. you don't have to be assertive, as other suggest, that has a personality changing sound-- just BE MORE HONEST. Say when something hurts your feelings-- every time. Since she's NOW knows you're sensitive AND SO DO YOU, you both can work out what the "hidden" meaning behind the "cheeky" was. If she says nothing, don't grill her, it's on you. If she says, "this thing you did bother me"-- now you're both being honest.
It'd be really annoying at first. Justifying each comment is it's own weapon, so be understanding to her annoyance and greatful she'll work through this with you. If you don't love each other, walk away-- different humor is hard to deal with.
If you do love each other, it brings out the best in each other. My husband has taught me to be more reserved (the necked eye can't see it, but it's there) and I taught him to go for the joke. Every once in a while, it's too disgusting for me and I love it. Beucase when the joke works, it's something he would have never said before he met me and it a little freere to share your thoughts than to silently giggle becuase you don't want to offend.
Also, me mum's like you, so have your girl read this statement: "you can go off an sulk for 2-6 hours, whatever you need to overcome some precieved insult, but we both agree to stick to a time limit on his silence."
"If he (BF's name) was to take days,week, or months to admit his feelings were hurt, then the event never happended and (BF's) can't bitch about it anymore."
See we can't hold people responible for passing comments they made a month ago than ask them what they meant like our future together relies on it-- becuase the "victim" remembers ever detail and if a detail is disputed by the accussed, the GF'S memory comes into guestion. (Having a memory of everything that was said in the order is was said:
1) isn't always accurate, we only have the hurt party as a witness to layout of events & he is wounded. Someone would say since he's showing how vunerable he is, he has no reasdon to lie. Lie, no. remember differently, yes. If one alreay feels abused, everything you take in for the rest of the night is abuse. they he spend months repeating that over and over in his head. Someone could have said, "they ate a lot of watermelon," about black guest which a friend of theirs might take as rasial slur. Someone else, a doctor saying the thing, could be worried about all the sugar water the ate mixed with the rum & cokes and thing someone shoudl drive them home.
An angry person might remember be driving home, a friend told him the comment, and being so embarrased used this comment (which could have saved his live) as a way of maying everyone choose sides: either the doctor's racist or you accept those kind of comments; meaning either he is or we all are.
When the victim still havn't won his point of view, he blames the the girlfriend for having a bad memory. Well, of course, someone who made an off-the-cuff 2 months, might not remember them comment word-for-word from over 60 days ago.
See:
It's best if two don't fight over exact meanng of exact wording becuase the two of you will never settle that argument-- meaning the BF/victim might have a great reacall of events and things said, because he was hurt and relieved it everyday until he can finally take a small form of vengence or "asserting his pride."
the cheeky girl, who has not thought about this event, nay, Ordinary, boring tuesday, more than maybe the one time she later giggled at bedtime about something funny that was said in that banter back and forth, has no idea she's being set-up by her BF and will have a test on the event that will rate her
a) memory (a clear sign she's just speaks and hurts
people, doesn't bother to remember, and moves on to her
new victims);
b) empathy, obiously her boyfriend has/d been acting
strange AND she has neither
i) Noticed or
ii) cared to stop what she was doing and make him
feel better or
iii) even appologize for the mean things she doesn't
even know she said.
But of the GF does remember thing in a different order, by this time the BF has repeated the event so many times that his answer is the only right answer. Also, he "making up a version of events" will be seen as avoiding the issues.
a) both sides tell their version, allow for memory gaps
b) don't grill during the first telling or say it's not true or worse. Let both parties speak, you will have time to aske questions, even tear the timeline down if you need. Jus remember, your goal isn't to humilliate the other party, it's just to express eays in which you don't like to be spoken to and to many communial/living together jobs fall on you and you need help.
the end goal is so both people feeling joined together, a little sorry, extrememly united, and fearless. If don't right, these feeling will last between 2-6 months depending upon your next crisis real or self-making.
I've tolf you to talk, I told you to both point out what bothers you, but this more for the invert to get it out, and then the BF has to do major homework to figure what is her fault/ what if his/ and how they deal with it.
My husband have different personallities and we really need to check in on each other & that everything is being worked on by the other person.
It takes a while to change behavor, if it can be changed. we're more motivated to change behavior when someone admits that not all our behaviour should be changed, just the annoying parts? what's the annoying parts? your answer is, "I'm not sure since I'm overly-sensitive and your so "cheeky" I don't know when I should be annoyed or if I just can't take a joke?"
I promise, if it seems your putting effort into the relationship also, that you're sharing in the blame and confusing, that you admit you can't treat people like crap months later, or grill them about promising not to do it again if they truely don't know what you're talking about, it'll go great.
If while you re-hashing the past, you give room for sone else's version or at least, have a heated debated over it where someone else if honestly provees their point beyond just I'm been obsessing so it could onlly be this way,
you can have such greata communication that your GF will know when you're hurting by the change in you demeanor. Guessing wrong a lot will be anoying an you want to reponde, "I'll tell ya I upset when I'm upset" bu she's just learned that she's accidently hurting you and hide it so she'd rather be annoying and wrong than hurt you and have it sit for hours-- that great. that makes her a keeper.
Go slowly. It sucks to not have the relationship you thought, but it's the only way to get the one you dreamed of.
let use know how it goes
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 September 2007):
 Sometimes it's not something that needs resolved, it's a part of you.
Being assertive is something that is developed. I use to be the same way you are. Working in a truck stop for 6 years changed that. First you have to come to a strong realization that you deserve respect, and you give respect. Just as it's not right to treat others bad, it's not right for them to treat you that way either. It's also OK for you to disagree. You don't have to agree with everything your girlfriend or others do, but you do have to respect how they see things too. Just because they're different doesn't mean they are wrong. But respecting their difference doesn't mean compromising your beliefs to agree with theirs.
When being assertive as well, if you want it to be done constructively, don't direct it to the person, direct it to the action. Such as if someone speaks disrespectful to you, simply say, I think what you said was disrespectful and I didn't appreciate being talked to that way. Direct to the actions not the person. You're not saying You are disrespectful, are they or is it what they did that is.
Also be firm, if you know it's something that is wrong period, be firm to your convictions. In law, it's looked at as being wrong on it's face. That means, no matter who you talk to, no matter what circumstance it is, everyone still sees it as being wrong.
I hope this helps you. Take care
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