A
female
age
30-35,
*vol Angel
writes:My fiance and I are extremely happy together and his family is really happy for us, and I get along great with them all except for his father.I am a full time college student and my fiance and I live an hour and a half apart. I see him only on the weekends if I am lucky.When I first started college I didn't see him for three weeks and when I came home for the first time my fiance was with his dad. he wanted to come home early to see me and it made his dad mad. And now his dad is blaming things on me.He called me in a rant the other day because he couldn't get a hold of my fiance and expected me to solve it. I told him that I am not his son's babysitter... I am his fiance. He then went on to tell me that it was my fault he and his son weren't spending as much time together, that it was my fault that his son wasn't paying enough attention to him, and my fault that his son didn't want to move in with him full time. He blamed me for things I have absolutely no control of and he basically made me feel like a piece of shit.The only time I get to see my fiance is on the weekends if I'm lucky. how my fiance spends the rest of his time and who he spends it with is his choice.I don't know what to do. My fiance's father is my elder and so therefor I need to respect him, but I am severely hurt by how I am being treated.My fiance and his father have gotten into numerous arguments over this. they've had yelling matches about it (luckily while I'm not around)How can I make things better? I don't want to give any ultimatums to my fiance because it wouldn't be fair to make him choose between me and his father so what can I do?
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reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 November 2009):
 E. Angel,
Your question leads me to think of several of my friends, family and acquaintances. My first impulse is to ask for more information. But I also want to give you some thoughts to work on in the mean time. A man I work with is going through quite a trial as his oldest son has just joined the Army. The son is less than a year out of high school. At first the father felt he was losing the son and was very resentful. Now it has turned more positive, he looks forward to every call (and there aren't many as the son is in basic training), and tells us all at work about it. If any thing they have gotten closer. A side note, the son's senior year was marked with a lot of rebellion, dropping grades, and experimentation with Marijuana. These days The army is a scary prospect but I think the kid is really on the upswing. So what does this have to do with you? Your fiance's dad is going through the same separation. It is a loss to him, and he will have to go through grieving. Soon he will realize that growing up and being independent is what he always wanted his son to do. Until then you will have to watch your toes a bit.
My brother married into a dysfunctional family. The reasons are not important. His mother in law is very protective of her daughters and all of the son's in law have suffered for it. They are constantly under suspicion. So how does he handle it. We all gave him the biblical advice to leave and cleave. What this means is that a new couple needs to be away from their parents for a time in order for them to become properly joined together. I really believe in this. For me 30 to 50 miles was enough. The parents mine and hers took the hint. Soon I was back working for dad and except for one incidence (we'll get to it later) it wasn't a problem. My brother on the other hand was unable to make the move his new wife refused. so he learned to be like a bolder in a stream. He just sits solid and lets it all wash over him. This is not easy and he had to grow some thick skin. You will probably need to do this with his dad.
Last idea, at least for this post. Parental jealousy. Weird huh? My mother was jealous of one of my girlfriends. I was 17 or 16 and never really understood it. His parents have had him for 17-18 years. Dad has relied on his son (oldest I'd bet) to fetch tools, hold the end of the board or rope, help out with this and that, and just when he is getting really good at all this he wants to go be independent. In my case as I became more and more emotionally attached to my girlfriend I had less affection for home. Mom was jealous of the time I spent with her. Now back to the bit about work and dad. I'll throw this in just in case your fiance is working for or with his Dad. My dad and I were working out of town one day when a family need came up with my father in law. I knew that it was time for me and my father in law to bond. We had been married around 18 months at this time, so the time for separation was passing soon. I arraigned for my wife to pick me up at the job site as it would save us an hours travel. This thoroughly upset my dad, He was jealous of the father in law bond, he was jealous of the time, he was embarrassed that she would dare show up at work. Absolute disaster. This was a nevertheless time. I had to say, Dad I understand how you feel this should be handled, nevertheless I am a man now and this is what I am going to do. Nevertheless is better used when parents deal with teenage children, but this was a good time to use it. Your fiance may need to use it with his dad, You may too. This way you can still respect him, and maintain your right to make your decisions.
One last thing . . .
I do hope this engagement is going to be for less than 12 months. Better a cheep wedding and a rich marriage.
FA
A
female
reader, hannahgolightly  +, writes (9 November 2009):
 Hello, sorry to hear about that... I suggest a guy called FatherlyAdvice on here. I have mentioned you to him. I think he'd be the man for the job. Good Luck. Hope things get better soon.
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A
female
reader, Evol Angel +, writes (7 November 2009):
Evol Angel is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi, if possible I am still looking for advice from other agony aunts, as the problem has continued to escalate... if you wouldn't mind referring me... that would be great!
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A
female
reader, hannahgolightly +, writes (31 October 2009):
Hello,
Wow! Your fiance's Dad sound tricky! He clearly has issues that are nothing to do with you, so well done for recognising that you are being blamed unfairly.
I think you need to speak to your fiance about this. He has a responsibility to take care of you. He must either resolve the situation with his Dad himself or shelter you from his Dad's cruel words. I suggest you personally cut direct contact with his Dad, e.g. Change your cell phone number if he knows it. Use your fiance as a buffer at family gatherings. Make it clear to your fiance that you expect his support in keeping his Dad out of your way. This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM so do your best to minimise the impact while you wait for his DAD to solve it.
I believe in respect for one's elders too... but respect for yourself comes first! You must not respect someone who abuses you, it's bad for your selfesteem. Remain polite and detatched and with a bit of luck, in time, he will see in you the joy you have brought to his son's life. If that doesn't work, consider asking your fiance's Mum to talk to him or anyone else who can help him see sense.
Congratulations on your engagement and Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): His dad sound jealous of the attention he thinks you're getting (or are in fact getting as you are the center of your fiancees life). Not much you can do if your fiancee has already had arguments with his dad about this.
Well, there's one thing: tell the dad that if he ever speaks to you like that again you will cut contact with him. And then just stop taking his calls and ignore him.
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