A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating this girl for about 6 months (I am 32, she is 25). When we 1st met, it was love at 1st sight. She had a tough life growing up and got in lots of trouble but with the help of a very supportive family, she was able to get back on her feet. She moved in with me after 1 month and we were very happy. She disclosed all her troubled past and while I could see some remnants, she was really working hard to change and she repeatedly said it was all for me. From day 1, her mom didn't like me and told her that if she was to move in with me, she wouldn't be welcomed back if we were to break up.We got into a major argument (which was all her fault), she apologized but we couldnt resolve our differences so she moved out. She had no stable place to go since she couldn't go back to her mom's. 2 weeks later, we missed eachother and worked things out and she moved back in.She became immediately a much better gf. She did everything to please me and she was just awesome. In return, I was a great bf and we were both ecstatic. She would often proudly say how she changed 4 me, how she never did that 4 any other man. Her mom would send me text messages saying that while she's content her daughter is happy, she doesnt understand what her daughter sees in me. Her mom and I engaged in countless arguments and called eachother names constantly.Besides a few arguments here and there, everything was going great, we were getting along beautifully.Until 1 day, I was using her phone when a guy texted her: "I'm serious", I read the conversation and initially he asked her "when can I tap that p... again" to which she replied "lol".I was very angry and she was pleading with me and assuring me it was an old fling and that she would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. I was so angry I started calling her very crude names and asked her to get the f.... out of my house. She begged but I wouldn't have it. She reluctantly got on craigslist and after 2 days, she found a room with a guy roomate. As she was readying to leave, we agreed to go have a drink for 1 last time and we somehow managed to save the relationship when I believed that she had no intention to see that guy.Things started going well again until she read 1 of my private conversations on facebook with a girl I was trying to get with during our 1st breakup. She wasn't happy but I explained to her that we weren't together but I apologized nonetheless.A week later, one of my exes, who was extremely manipulative and vile gets a hold of her number and starts secretively texting her. She was basically slandering me telling her how bad of a man I was, how I was going to hurt her and leave her... She was manipulating our relationship behind my back. My gf became extremely weary and revealed her secret talks with my ex. I was livid! I told her to stop talking to her and that her goal was to break us up and that if she continued, she would succeed. She said "ok, I will delete her # now!"A few days later, as we were on our way to celebrate her birthday, i noticed her trying to hide an incoming text message and when I snatched the phone from her, I found out that she was in fact still engaging in long conversations with this girl trying to get as much info about me and even agreeing to go have a drink with her. Again, I got very angry and canceled dinner plans. She urged me to reconsider because that was her 1st birthday celebration in years but the night had already been ruined 4 me so we went home.The following morning, she deleted my ex's # in front of me. I told her that it was extremely inappropriate and that if she does it again, I would have no choice but to breakup with her. She assured me she wouldnt.It only took 1 week as she received a text from a different name while she was laying on my chest in bed. She immediately deleted the content, which again angered me (anger management is my biggest weakness). She again admitted that she was still in touch with my ex (she had just changed her name on the contact list) and that my ex was going thru problems and she was trying to be there 4 her not fully realizing that this girl was manipulating her. I told her that we were over and that she needed to leave. My immature side soared up again and I started calling her names. After a 6-hour shift at work, I came back to find out she was gone and took all her belongings including her heavy furniture. I wished her good luck by text message. We had a few back and forth texts and on new year's eve, I texted her wishing things went different and that I loved and missed her. She said the last thing she wanted was to lose me but that I made that decision. She texted me asking where I was celebrating and I said at a restaurant w a friend. She said her roommate (a guy that really likes her) and her mom were going to celebrate at a neighborhood bar. She asked if i wanted to see her that night cause this was supposed to be "our new year". I wasn't comfortable with that since she was with the guy.Her mom calls me a few hours later (around 3AM) and proceeds to call me every name in the book, how I don't deserve her daughter, how I was a piece of s..., how her daughter is much better off without me, how she found a man that respects her and treats her great, was laughing at me 4 "pathetically" texting her daughter, cussed me out sum more and hung up.At 4 AM, she texts me saying I miss u, love u very much and still want u back. In the morning, I ask her if it was true that she immediately moved on with her roommate and she said "no way", that she wasn't ready 4 that and it would take a while b4 she starts seeing people and that he wasn't her type anyways.Couple days later, I asked her out 4 dinner so we can sit and talk. She said "sorry, I can't handle seeing u and that we had a chance to talk but u were calling me names instead".I then said "good luck and that I was done fighting 4 u" and wished her the best.We haven't talked since (4 days ago) and I miss her very much. I am at that stage where I feel I want nothing else in life but her. Sorry this was so long but based on our history, I wanna know if I should just move on or keep hoping we are getting back together.
View related questions:
at work, engaged, facebook, immature, move on, moved in, moved out, my ex, roommate, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): 7 years difference. Just wondering if you ever felt the chances of you getting such a young GF again arent so great and if that may be one deciding factor in all of this. Men do put a great deal into such things. Youth, Beauty of a woman can be a strong motivator to 'keep' such a 'valuable' woman at a mans side. Such as it is in the dating/mating world.Let me tell you something about the 'Love At First Site' statement that reveals to those people that have extensive reading or education in the psychology world and what it translates to. Often the emotionally abusive people tend to use this statement more so than the average healthy, adjusted person.It also means that you already know tell tale signs of traits and characterisitics of whom you seek/date. To the Charmer/Abuser/Narcissist, they seek the low in self esteem and the women who may have personalities disorders due to childhood trauma. They KNOW what to look for. Narcissist tend to seek out and date women who suffer borderline personality disorders as they tend best to feed their narcissistic supply. Arguement- was all her fault. Finger pointing blame and responsibility YET you engaged in the arguement and I can imagine said some not so loving words. So that statement is not the 100% truth now is it?ABUSIVE PERSONALITY OF YOURS REVEALED: "I was so angry I started calling her very crude names and asked her to get the f.... out of my house. " You verbally abused her and I can only imagine what loving words you directed at her, perhaps even using her childhood against her to inflict some serious damage.Needless to say, you are An Abuser and you cant even take responsibility.You are aware you have anger and 'immaturity' issues but that just means you are insecure, jealous and with this dynamic, possibly even physically harming.Don't be pointing finger of blame here. Its time you point it inwards to yourself.You need to seek Anger Management courses as well as individual counselling before you think to move on or date someone else. Otherwise the whole drama and dynamic of your post will continue to play out.The Healthy, Wise, Loving Adults seek out and date and fall in love with Healthy, Wise, Loving Partners who knowh how to work together to stay together. All that can be yours with counselling.Peace At Bro!
A
male
reader, DeadEyeDick +, writes (4 January 2012):
 Hey bro, Ive had girls from troubled past's, everything from incest rape, to molestation, to drug use and etc. they will never just be normal, because what they were raised in, and what we were raised in are 2 different things, many of them have had to do whatever it took to survive, they are accustomed to lying, and do not view things such as sex, and commitment in the same way we do, it's not that they love you any less, or feel the feelings of love any differently, they just do not know how to act or act towards us in these type of situations, sound's like for the most part, this one has truly decided she loves you and is willing to act however you want her to act to keep you in her life, and your totally fucking it off! you decided you were going to take on a different set of responsibility's when you decided to take on a girl with a troubled past, if you were not fully aware or ready for these alternate responsibility's then that is not her problem, so stop making it that way, and stop trying to pin dumb shit on her, from my standpoint, I am jealous, the troubled girls Ive gone out with, have never gotten to the point this girl is with you, your just not giving her room to make mistakes, and understanding the mental change she is trying to make from the mental world she grew up in, your way to hard on her, and maybe you cannot change for her!! maybe it's a good idea to just let this one go, words hurt far more then fists do, and physical scars heal, mental scars do not, if you can't see where she comes from, and what shes decided to do to be with you, and allow her some sort of leeway, seeing your all pumped up and ready to announce how she has cleaned up, and decided to change for you, well if you do not see that's going to come with it's own set of mistakes, and fuck up's, and if you don't treat them with kid gloves, and work through them, then your not with the right girl, and she decided to change for the wrong guy, cause she needs love and support, not to be screamed at and sent packing every time she fucks ups, or every time you think she fucks up! either get off the soapbox about her changing for you, and you change for her as well, or just move on, and let her move on, I'll tell you this, she's not falling very in love with you, living with some other guy! better change your ways, before she realizes this other guy will treat her with sensitivity!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): Hi "aunt honesty",I appreciate your response but I have to disagree with some of your point. I don't think whom she texts is her business just because it's her phone. I don't find it appropriate for her to text my ex or engage in conversations with some1 that wants to have sex with her.During our 1st breakup, I contacted a girl and even I thought that was wrong although we weren't together and I apologized. And not 1 time did I secretively tried to look thru her phone. My findings were when she was sneakily trying to hide text messages or when I was just using her phone or when she was using her phone laying on me.But regardless, I believe it's my business to know if my partner is sending inappropriate messages.On the other hand, she was constantly looking thru my phone looking for stuff. And im not trying to hide anything from my past (and the past is the past anyways) but I know how vile my ex is and how gullible my current girl is and I was scared to death that she was going to play with her head (in my opinion, she was already doing a great job at it).On the other hand, I think we both loved eachother and beacuse of the circumstances, there was a huge lack of trust which ultimately ruined the relationship.I agree with you, I was acting a bit possessive and I need to work on my anger management.Again, thanks for your feedback.
...............................
A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (3 January 2012):
You seem very insecure, and you can't control your anger. Such combination is like poison for a couple. So you won't be able to maintain a serious relationship as long as you keep being like this. As aunt honesty told you, her phone is her business even if she is talking with someone he shouldn't be.
You have to let her go and solve your own problems before seeing other people.
...............................
A
male
reader, tobson +, writes (3 January 2012):
I agree with aunt honesty, you need to work on your anger management. Dont let other people drag you down, if they call you names, well just ignore them because there is no way to win with dignity.
On the other side I can side with you. The signs you got from your girlfriend were troubling. If I would have seen such a text from my gf I would have been extremely pissed and I am not an angry person. Also the thing with her mum and the texting with your ex behind your back do sound very negative. For me it looks like she is trouble and I dont think it will change. Just count how many times you broke up in 6 months. I think it might be best for you to move on and have a clean slate. But please work on your anger, self control is a very valuable tool.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 January 2012):
 If I am honest maybe you should actually look in to getting some anger management. You sound a bit possessive and it looks like you have trust issues. Her phone is her business and it is her choice who she texts. Yes am sure it was upsetting for you that she was in contact with your ex. But curiosity got the better of her and she had the right to find out what your ex had to say. You completely over reacted which shows that you probably have something to hide from your past that you do not want her to know. She has the right to make up her own mind. But you went through her private messages anyway and called her names. Very immature of you. You need to work on your trust and anger issues. Maybe then you can get in contact with her and prove to her that YOU have changed and that you have got some help and you are wanting to try again. If she says no well at least then you no you done everything that you could and you can move on as a better person. Good luck.
...............................
|
