A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I'm new here. Thank you do much for taking the time to look at my question.I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months. That might sound like a small amount of time, but I've never felt so in love in all my life, even compared to previous longterm relationships. When I first met him it was like a whirlwind romance, I just connected and clicked instantly with him and we had the most romantic date... we even slow danced together. I've fell so deeply in love with this man, and I have to say he has treat me like a total queen; singing at my bedroom window when he visits my house, writing love letters, calling me throughout the day to say how much he loves me. We honestly spent every other day together and I've never felt anything so amazing in all my life, I didn't even know love could be that way.Well, everything was perfect but this last week has been absolutely awful. I got upset with him for getting drunk (in hindsight he didn't do anything that bad, he was actually very sweet and was drunkenly calling while he was out to say how much he loved me, but at the time I got worried because he'd had so much alcohol he could barely walk. I was also nervous because the friend he was out with takes drugs, cheats, and doesn't have his best interests at heart (he told me this himself). He doesn't drink often, but it was a rare occasion with a friend.Well, I spoke to him about it the next day... we had a heart to heart and opened up about a few issues in the relationship (he was upset that I mention my exes a lot for instance, and about a comment I had made regarding his friend, i had said something about me holding high standards for myself and I think I phrased something badly). Anyhow unfortunately this conversation has made things worse, and nomatter how we try, I still feel he is very distant from me. We had a couple of very good days where he would call as normal, but on other days one of us would say the wrong thing and the bad atmosphere would come back. I'm really trying my best, I've listened to everything he has told me and I've been nothing but loving towards him. He is stressed with university work and doesn't think he will have much time to see me over the next few weeks while his deadlines are approaching (I understand and try to be encouraging with his studies). He normally called several times a day and he couldn't get enough of me, he would constantly miss me, but now I don't hear from him all day. However when I call him, he also tells me that he worries about us and that he wants us to be stable. He doesn't talk much to me anymore, he is quiet and distant, but when I ask how he feels he says he wants a future with me. When I ask if we are okay, he says "I hope so". I can sometimes sense that he goes 'off with me' but when I ask, he insists he loves me. I know his uni work is also causing stress, though I do miss him terribly. I didnt hear from him yesterday, which isNot like him. I called him in the evening just to check he was okay, as he is usually always texting and calling me first, he used to be very needy at the start. When I called I asked if we were okay and if I had upset him in any way (I messed up last week by raising issues, but ever since then I've been trying my best to be a great girlfriend). He insisted everything was fine, then eventually said that he wanted everything to be okay, but that little things kept going wrong (this was only over 4 days, everything else was always fine before then). He did also say that he would be devastated if we broke up. However I also notice he doesn't stay on the phone long, and I can just sense something is up.My idea was, cooking for him and dropping it off at his place, rhat way he has more time to study (I wouldn't eat with him, just drop it off). Please tell me other ideas and positive ways I can make this work. I really love him and want to fix this
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2021): Oops! Found another typo!
"Now is the time to test things for realness; and that is done by slowing-down, and seeing things through the eyes of reality."
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2021): Typo corrections:
"You really need to reel it in, slow your roll, and pump the brakes!"
Don't get me wrong; you weren't incorrect to address issues you had about his drinking. Yes indeed, you should ask if things are okay when you see hesitance; or a sudden behavior-change. The problem was with tying his behavior to his friend. He takes full responsibility for his own actions. Blaming his friend for what he's doing is unfair. You hardly know him; and all you know about his friend is what you've been told. You don't get to judge anyone, but the guy you're dating! Don't give him an excuse for his bad-behavior; by blaming it on his friend!
When I said he "poured it on too thick;" I think he's suddenly starting to realize it. Now he's coming-down off his love-high; and a lot of his behavior bordered on phony, or overkill.
Now is the time to test things for realness; and that is down by slowing-down, and seeing things through the eyes of reality. If he's suddenly seeming, meh! It's because he came-on too strong at the beginning; and his engine has lost some steam.
Redefine your feelings as fondness; so you won't have the wrong-perspective on where things are, or where they're going. Stay level-headed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2021): Okay, the novelty of a fresh-new fairytale-romance has now subsided; and now it's time to be adults.
No real relationship is flowers, valentines, poems, heart-emojis, and love songs 24/7! It's cute; but two people over 25 are no longer teenagers. Carrying-on your relationship like you live on a Hallmark card is destined to wear-off.
The "whirlwind romance" reference was the clincher for me! Nothing good ever comes from haste, or rushing things!
You judged him too quickly on a single incident. He's a grown-man out with a friend. He's old enough to be responsible, and mature enough to get himself home safe. Your concern went beyond being a worried-girlfriend; and spilled-over into "overprotective-mother" territory. He's old enough to choose his friends, and decide who's a bad-influence; once he has past the age of 21!
Expecting a constant stream of romantic-overtures falls into the category of high-maintenance; when you don't feel loved, or secure, unless your relationship is full of sap and constantly echoing "I luv you's" back and forth!"
You've only been together three months, and you're way too deeply "in-love!" It's more along the concept of "being in-love with being in-love;" until the relationship matures, and endures a few bumps and strains. Once you really know more about each-other, and whom you're feeling so strongly for...and you know exactly why? Then you can say, you're very fond of each-other. Throwing the L-word around so much is both immature and irresponsible. The sudden realization that it's not quite really love, but fondness; places you in a very awkward position.
New romances start-out just the way you've described; but they start to settle-down into something more realistic. First-off, you don't start talking about the future so soon. You hardly have a present, and you're looking into the future? No, you can't see that far; and you never should have mentioned it this early in the romance. It places pressure on the other person to prove he can reach your goals too soon; and he's likely to tell you what you want to hear, rather than the truth. He has no way of knowing if he'll still like you at the 6-month mark! Neither do you!!! You wanted too badly to hear someone say they love you; and he was too caught-up in the bliss of a new-romance, that he said it without actually meaning it.
Becoming so insecure and paranoid at the fact he has slowed-down, is due to overthinking; and setting your expectations too high and too soon!
You really need to reel it in, slow your roll, and pump the breaks! He may not be as smitten as he was three months ago; but love proclaimed too soon leads you both right to where you are now. Uncertainty! When the reality settles-in, and you can finally see who's in-front of you; the whirlwind-romance starts to shed itself of that "fairytalelike" illusion. You wake-up, and it becomes more like "whoa!!!" It's like turning a corner with your foot on the gas; you start to feel the inertia, and it's as though you might loose control of your vehicle! That's what he's starting to realize; and now you both need to get-off the speeding love-train, and take it at a "walking-pace."
Reality and the responsibilities of adulthood have now visited (i.e. drunken-behavior, oncoming deadlines, university studies, etc.); and he doesn't have time to play Romeo, and your romance novel hero for a bit. You need to chill a little, sweetheart! You're overthinking, and you've gotten spoiled. Now you're judging love (which you're presuming to exist far too soon) in a very romanticized (teenage puppy-love) context. You should know better than that. It is far too soon to be exchanging that word, after only three months. You hardly know this guy, and he hardly knows you!
Now place things in the realm of reality, and lighten-up! He can't keep-up the fairytale fantasy indefinitely; and still have both feet planted on the ground. He poured it on too thick, and you got totally intoxicated. I think you both got drunk!
Calm-down and take an extra-strength chill-pill. Whirlwind-romances tend to come to abrupt endings. If you don't overthink this, your neediness and lovesickness won't drive you to daffy-town. He's given it to you full-strength, when he should have given it in doses. Furthermore, you shouldn't have criticized his friend. His friend's issues are between the two of them, and you don't go there! Who was there first? If his drinking is one of your red-flags; that's even more cause to slow things down. Put your feelings in-check, girlfriend!
Show poise and maturity. Don't freak-out! It's time for things to slow-down. Now you'll look at it all with common sense and use better judgement. If love is really there; it will definitely take more time to be nurtured, tested for endurance, and established.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 April 2021):
 Red flags waved wildly at me while I was reading your post.
Firstly, you find out whether you love someone when you go through difficult times together and find out what sort of person they really are, not just the mushy fluffy romantic stuff, which anyone can fake for a short while. You two haven't really been through any challenges together to find out how you cope. The first "blip" has resulted in you questioning the validity of your relationship. That isn't love; that is obsession, infatuation, call it what you will, but NOT love. Love means working out your differences, supporting each other and making each other feel safe and secure in your relationship, rather than doubting yourself and your partner.
The fact that he has backed off at the first sign of anything "serious" waves a huge red flag at me. I suspect there is one of two things going on here (or possibly a combination of both): he either needs to put his girlfriend on a pedestal and idolise her, leaving no room for anything short of perfection, or he is actually, underneath that romantic exterior, a control freak and bully who will make you "suffer" if you step out of line. You are being "punished" for expressing an opinion which did not tally with his. He could quite easily answer your "are we ok?" question with "I feel pretty sure we are" or "I'm confident we will work it out" or something else equally reassuring. Instead what does he do? He tells you he "hopes" you are. That is (a) making you feel you are to blame for what "went wrong" and (b) putting the onus on you to try to "repair the damage" you caused.
You won't leave him. I know that from your post. Nobody can MAKE you leave him. However, as you have asked for advice, let me give you some: BACK OFF and stop being so needy. Stop looking at this relationship with rose coloured spectacles. Stop letting him walk all over you. Is this how you want to live your life - treading on eggshells so as not to upset him all the time? What sort of life is that?
In your shoes I would text him/call him once a day just to "touch base", and then leave him be. Feeding him is not your responsibility. He is old enough to feed himself. Stop trying to win him round by mothering him. The more you chase after him, the longer he will make you "suffer". Look after yourself. Keep busy so you are not constantly mooning over him. If this relationship is meant to be, it will be. If not, then let it go. You may feel it is perfect but, truly, it is not. That doesn't mean it can't work out, just that you need to have more realistic expectations and also to acknowledge what you deserve.
In time you will realize he is not the perfect human being you currently perceive him to be. You possibly won't see that anytime very soon, because you are smitten by him and blinded by what you perceive to be love. However, in time you will (hopefully) realize he is an ordinary human being with flaws like everyone else. Don't let your adoration of him blind you to who he really is. I am not saying he is not a good human being. For all I know, he may be a great guy, but you need to stop begging him to "love" you. It is human nature that we usually cherish things (or people or relationships) for which we have had to work, rather than ones which were foisted upon us or which came too easily. Don't allow him to take you for granted. Do you not think you are worth better than that?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 April 2021):
 OH, OP
You need to rein it in! You are being overdramatic, desperate and becoming a cling-on!
You can't KNOW someone in 3 months. Certainly not love someone in 3 months, LOVE takes time. Infatuation, sure. Attraction, sure. Love? No.
You two are now 3 months in and things start to pop up that either HE or YOU don't like or aren't sure about. THAT is normal in the PROCESS of getting to know someone. He isn't perfect, YOU aren't perfect. There will be things YOU do, he won't like. There will be things HE does, you don't like.
He called you every day for the first 3 months because everything was new and shiny. You then had your first "fight" and now the relationship is less shiny. Because you showed a side of yourself that he isn't a fan of. And you saw something in his behavior that made you upset. A relationship doesn't HAVE to be "shiny" 24/7.
You can't pick his friends. Nor should you. If you don't trust his friends that is one thing, but it's totally unfair that you make the presumption that because they do drugs and cheat they can someone MAKE him do that too. I mean are you dating a total wuss?
Should you drop by with food. I'd say no, actually. While I think it's really cute - I feel it's a little desperate move. I say GIVE him some time and space to MISS you. To WANT to talk to you.
GET busy with YOUR life.
Ge doesn't stay long on the phone because he has some SERIOUS school work to do. TALKING to you is LESS important than getting a good grade. Because this grade is the basis for his future career. Girlfriends come and go.
You write: "I messed up last week by raising issues, "
NO, you didn't. If you actually felt something was off or you wanted to bring something up, then you SHOULD. A GOOD GF doesn't just suck it up and SHUT up. Your feelings are valid too, even though you may not always express yourself in the most sensible way.
He also brought up HIS issue - that you bring up exes too much. Which is ABSOLUTELY valid. No one gives a SHIT about your (or his) exes. Live in the NOW, not the past. Find other topics!
In a GOOD working relationship, people TALK about issues. They WORK on those. They don't just ignore them. that is NOT being a GOOD GF.
STOP chasing after him (calling him and checking up on him). Send a cheerful good morning and good night text. LET him miss you and LET him do the chasing. Don't show up unannounced with food thinking it will show him how great of a GF you are. All it will show is that you are desperate. Now if you want you could a pizza or whatnot paid for and delivered - so he has more time to study. But you should be running over there. IMHO.
You two had a bit of a whirlwind, at some point it needs to slow down. No one can sustain a high-intensity romance.
And learn to chill a little. He may or may no BE your future husband. He may or may not BE your BF in a month or in 6 months. Go with the flow. Be YOU, the girl he fell for, not this angsty cling-on.
Chin up.
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