A
female
age
36-40,
*ummers_247
writes:Is my boyfriend cheating on me, or am I crazy? F (32)I’ve been with my boyfriend about a month now, so it is early days. I do come from a broken home, so I will mention that I have a lot of trust and abandonment issues. I also seem to go for the “bad boy types” and they almost always, cheat on me. I’m speaking with a therapist once a week, and I am getting help with the events of my childhood, but I’m also 32, and I want to settle down and be with my special person. I’m a very loving, genuine person and I really want things to work with my boyfriend. I’ve told him all about my past and he’s been very supportive and understanding. He really makes an effort to go all out to reassure me, and he’s pretty much perfect in every way, but there’s this one thing that has been weighing on my mind which I just cannot shake!I feel crazy for even saying this. Let alone thinking it. But I feel as though something might be going on with him and his housemate’s girlfriend.My reasons for thinking this? My boyfriend and this girl are alone together in the house almost every night, as her boyfriend is always out with his friends. We usually talk on the phone, but when she’s around, he has done things like - muting the call so I can’t hear what’s being said for 10 or so minutes, hanging up on me because of a “bad signal”, and then being uncontactable for almost an hour after that. Other times, he will be on the phone to me, flirting with her for a good 15 minutes, knowing I’m on the other end of the phone, and it makes me feel so awful. I feel as though he literally talks to her the same way that he talks to me and it’s heartbreaking. My boyfriend is also a very attractive man, and this girl will literally, sit there and like all of his photos on social media, and literally anything that he puts up!I hate knowing that they are always alone in that house and I honestly can’t shake the fact that I feel something is going on with them both. He has lied to me a few times as well, so I know he’s capable of being dishonest.I have brought this up a couple of times. He insists that there is nothing going on and we argued for about an hour or so. I apologised for even bringing it up. We talked for a bit, and we ended the conversation on good-ish terms, but I still feel like the situation hasn’t been resolved and I really don’t know what to do. Advice please? :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2021): I don’t think you are crazy, I think he is a cheating loser who uses girls to get kicks probably because he is secretly very insecure himself and wants other women, as many as he can get, to fuel his ego.Nothing is so attractive sometimes as a girl that everyone else wants. The fact that his friend’s girlfriend is appealing to him or whatever, while being technically unavailable, means that he is flirting with her probably because it feels ‘dangerous’ or because she is kind of like forbidden fruit. Who knows if they have slept together, but it’s definitely on the cards, plus you don’t know what kind of casual or open relationship this man and his friends practice. He could very well just be showing you an image of himself. I used to know a woman who almost ‘shared’ her boyfriends with her best girlfriend, and they were both fine with that after they’d had a few drinks, which i think is downright weird and unacceptable but there you have it.Walk away from this man, he is a leech. He leeches energy, resources, affection, and all he leaves behind is destruction and insecurity, and I am sure you are capable of finding someone else. You are, honest. But don’t try so hard. If you are happy or should i say ‘at peace’ with yourself; then whoever HE is, he will find you…Next time round, I would save the info on past relationships until you know the new partner quite well, then open up to him in your own time. If he is right, there is no rush. I have learnt that if men want something they do make it happen. Losers like this want to make you feel like you are the problem, you have issues or you are hyper-sensitive or something. You are not, you are fine. One day someone he really likes and invests in might screw him over and then he will see; it hurts. You shouldn’t mess with people. Get out while you can, ideally while pretending (if you don’t actually feel that way) that it’s not such a loss. This guy doesn’t deserve any more apologies or tears. He deserves to feel that you don’t need him, that you are doing great by yourself and that maybe, just maybe you have found someone else.. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2021): If he hasn't already cheated, he's about to. But make no mistake. He's already cheating emotionally and just needs to consummate the physical act. I'd be leaving him now. Don't wait for it to happen. Love has no competition.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2021): Before your mind does overtime wondering what I meant by "warped ideas" I can give you an example.For example : I used to think people disliked a person for a reason. I had no idea of prejudices, social class, income brackets etc. I naively believed that we were all equal. I didn't occur to me that people who showed dislike may be demonstrating a dislike on any of the above criteria.I didn't understand that some people dislike others just to make themselves feel better.So if someone openly disliked me I used to take it to heart.Now that I know better it has less impact on me.But coming back to your problem I believe it to be quite probable that your one month boyfriend may actually be in a relationship with the woman he is pretending to be a 'flatmate'.It's the only explanation I can find for such outright disrespectful behaviour and he would do it to convince his live in partner that you are not anyone special!He could be using the fact that he leaves you on hold and suddenly becomes unavailable to prove to her that you are not his girlfriend! Or he openly flirts with her whilst you are on the phone because he's got You listed on his phone under a male name and therefore could not possibly be his girlfriend.You are not crazy!He is crazy for thinking he can get away with it for more than a month.I think you can trust yourself about this.I have known of many similar situations until one person discovers the reality.His favourite record could well be :'It wasn't me!' By Shaggy.Then you can understand the lengths some guys go to get a bit on the side.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2021): By the time you are doubting your sanity it is time to quit!
Literally you are opening yourself up to abuse.
This handsome guy is giving you mixed messages.
To the extent that you are doubting yourself.
Perfect men are compassionate, caring and sensitive to your emotions.
You don't need to vie for their attention because they will be very open about the fact that they care only for you.
Flirting with another female, on or off mute is no good.
If you refuse to stand for it he will get the message.
But don't try to change him!
It's a nearly impossible battle.
This kind of guy believes that he is a conquest.
Some kind of king pin whom you are privileged to associate with.
As you have your life ahead of you I believe you can find a decent guy.
You only live your life once and when picking a partner for life you want a compassionate, caring person.
Someone who makes you feel wonderful by knowing your connection will be permanent.
Someone who will make a good dad to your children.
Someone who values you above all else.
There are many people who act that part at the beginning but who soon reveal their shortcomings.
If you want to get married and have a family then you must choose wisely.
Good looks is not enough to keep you together forever.
Also it can be very hard to loose the influence of early training.
It takes a long time to realise that the beliefs you held so dear were actually warped ideas because the people who instilled them into you were you guardians and protectors.
I myself was most surprised to learn that I had got most things wrong and looking back I can now understand that I didn't start from square one.
I started way behind other people in life and I expected to be at the same level as them until I finally realised that would never be my life.
It hurts to have a difficult life but if you understand this early on then your chances of making a happy life are so much better.
Failing that you just start to wonder 'what is happiness?'
It becomes a mythical state of mind and something you constantly strive for.
If you disinvest in your current boyfriend and treat him with the same casual disrespect then you are at least on an equal footing but this will never be the great love that you wanted to believe in!
Associating with the wrong person can give you the company you desire but will actively stop you finding that special person because you will overlook them when they appear.
It's one of life's inequalities that not everyone gets a decent relationship or sometimes the decent guy gets overlooked due to the traumas of the past.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (29 April 2021):
 I think that there are to many red flags here in this relationship, which is rather worrying considering you have only been with him a month.
You call him perfect in every way, but his actions and the way he acts with his room mate say otherwise. He really goes all out to reassure you all is ok?. I'm sorry, just how is he reassuring you.
You have told him about your past, your insecurities, so him flirting with this housemate under your nose, then going off radar for lenthy amounts of time is a million miles away from providing reassurance for you, or indeed being a perfect person.
He has also lied to you several times, which again is very worrying taking into consideration the duration of this relationship.
Trust is the most important contributing factor that bind a relationship together, once the trust barrier has been crossed its normally a slippery slope downwards.
I don't think your ready for a relationship with him, and also i don't think he is the right person for you.
I think you should maybe let him go and work on yourself more. Keep seeing your therapist as you are doing.
The greatest love we can ever have is the love we have for ourselves. Work on your self, do things that make your heart sing, find that self love within you. I believe its only when we find this self love is the time we are ready to embark on a new relationship.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 April 2021):
 Regardless of whether there is anything going on between your boyfriend and this girl, you admit he has already lied to you, so why do you even entertain trusting him? If someone shows themselves to be a liar, why would you risk trusting them? Bestow your trust on people who are worthy of it, otherwise you will always feel insecure while putting it down to "trust issues".
In your shoes I would dump this character and work on building your self esteem so you make better choices in the future. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself, they are not good for you. You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 April 2021):
 You have been dating a month and this kind of crap pops up and you wonder if YOU are crazy?
You have instincts for a reason. YOU have previously ignored them and ended up being cheated on.
This guy, whom you don't REALLY know, seems to be talking a good game. He has convinced YOU (not really) that he is "perfect in every way" (no one is perfect, you should know that by know OP), you have spilled all your "woe is my past" of how ALL these other men treated you badly so please don't treat me badly too. And what does he do? He SITS and FLIRTS with his roommate's GF while on the phone with you! And you think he is "perfect"?
It's unreasonable of you to think that after a month of dating he can no longer interact with this woman. Or that he can just move out to make YOU less insecure.
The thing you are MISSING OP is that he's flirting with her is NOT new. He didn't start doing it the moment you two started dating. He has been flirting with her for a LONG while, it's "the norm". He didn't STOP flirting with her when you two started dating. You were just ADDED to the "list" of women he flirts with.
So, it's not too hard to make the presumption that he might be doing MORE than just flirt with her. Especially considering she is ALL over his social media too. I mean who does that to their PARTNER's roommate? Or their roommate's partner? Gross.
YOU apologized. For something you really didn't feel you did wrong. You only said sorry, so he wouldn't be mad at you or dump you.
You write: " He has lied to me a few times as well, so I know he’s capable of being dishonest." So in less than a month, you have been LIED to by this person already and you call him "perfect"? Again, you are IGNORING the red flags because you DESPERATELY want a partner.
OP, keep working on yourself. And perhaps don't go spill ALL the "my exes did all this bad stuff to me" to someone you see a potential future with. Your partner doesn't NEED to know all the ISSUES YOU had with picking a good one. I mean if I was dating a guy and he told me how he had dated all these loser cheaters, I would wonder if he thought I WAS that type too!
Stop ignoring the red flags.
Now he MIGHT NOT be cheating with this woman. They might just have super flirty banter. But is that appropriate? And it is appropriate to DO when YOU can hear it?
I think you might want to reconsider this guy. I think you fell for another player. Because THAT is your type.
You need to figure out what you REALLY want from a relationship. WHAT you have to offer. I would also suggest you talk to your therapist about a book list on HOW to have healthy relationships. An hour a week is not enough time for you to both deal with the past and build on the future, so you NEED to read some books and do some "homework" on how to PICK a better mate.
Also, you should go watch some of Matthew Hussey's Videos on YouTube (I think he has a website too) he is REALLY good at explaining healthy relationships. And he is funny to boot. I know he does these seminars but I don't know if that is something you can do. Start by watching some of his videos might be a good start.
You have this notion in your head that because YOU are a good person, people will see that and treat you right. They won't. IF THEY are not good themselves. And you know this from personal experience.
This is TOO much drama for barely a month in. Think about it. How can you EVER trust this guy?
You are wasting your time on the "wrong guy" (for you).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2021): You are just a bad combo.
You have some serious issues on your own you need to deal with.
But you know what they say, it's not paranoia if someone's out there to get you. The way he behaves, according to your description, is unsettling. His behavior is triggering you.
Some people feed off people like you. They use your insecurities to boost their egos. A basic recipe for this is always having this "special friend" (in your case this girl, his roommate) you can use to make your partner jealous. She's interested in the game too, because she believes it makes her special. She obviously ranks pretty low with her bf, given the fact that he's always out with his buddies, so she craves the attention and the boost from being "special in his life" (because gfs come and go but she stays).
If it were me, I wouldn't tolerate this behavior not because I would be afraid he'd leave me, but because it's disrespectful.
He can draw you into this vortex only if you let him. Don't forget that. It doesn't matter if he's cheating or not, the problem is how he's treating you in general. Nobody here can say anything about his sex life.
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