A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am in my 40's and met a wonderful man. He is handsome, intelligent, caring, attentive, and just a good man all around. We have been together for almost a year. He was still married when we met and is now divorced. I had been single for 3 years and had done everything and I do mean everything that I wanted to experience as a single woman. Sexually as well. We have everything in place to move from one state to another. We have had our average ups and downs as a couple. My dilemma is that about two weeks ago I found out that he had a sexual encounter with a man. I could totally understand if it happened before our relationship, but it happened 21/2 months in. We talked about it and he claims that he tried it and it was not for him. At the time that it happened, it was an extremely stressful time for the both of us. He says that he doesn't exactly understand why he did it..he is not attracted to men but at the time it was an overwhelming "thing" that he had to do and it had nothing to do with me or anyone else, it was about him. He gave me enough detail to satisfy my curiosity. However, I can understand the why and the who, I just can't get past the cheating and not talking to me about it. I am an understanding and open person. He says that he was embarrassed and ashamed? I am running all the feelings that a woman has despite my understanding of the situation, I feel unattractive, not good enough, and most importantly not able to trust - at all. I panic every time that he leaves, is on the phone texting, or on the computer. I can not live this way. He continues to do everything to help me, I have access to his phone, laptop, he checks in with me, assures me that he loves me and is attracted to me, and answers any questions that I have. I want to believe him so badly. I love him. I do also have to add that I recently experienced an injury that caused me to be homebound to recuperate and I could not work. He carried me the whole way financially, emotionally, and everything else. I have two questions...Is there anyone out there that has been through this????? Talk to me please and Will I ever be able to trust him again? Will he do something like this when he is stressed again? Is he using me to cover his desire for men? Talk to me please...I am so conflicted and devastated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for responding! I am thankful that I found a place to let this out. It has been hard...and it still is. But...I have put it out there and it is not stuck and stewin in me. I have spoke more to him and there is more info than what I provided. I didn't know at the time. Thanks to the person that stated that there is too much info missing. You were right. I have not decided if I am going to stay or not. It's not a decision that I can make in 5min ;) the other question that was asked...we have been together just about a year....this happened 2 and a half months into our relationship. again thanks. I will be back. :)
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female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (7 May 2011):
 If it wasn't him that told you about he affair, chances are it was not a one time thing. I think you are his beard and while that is shocking news to you, it happens much more often then you know. I have a friend who became financially dependent on her boyfriend only to find out he was gay 3 years into it. She still stays for financial reasons but they no longer have a sexual relationship or a trusting one.
There is much turmoil and terrible fighting. Your eyes are open now, you know the situation. You could stay for financial reasons and when you get on your feet you could resume your life somewhere else. If you do choose to stay, make it for all the right reasons. You will have to accept him for the way things are, if you can do that you will have a smoother path of resistance. If you don't the resentment and hopelessness may lead to a unfulfilled existence. It's not easy to have the truths thrown in our face. Firstly we become disconnected and then we go into denial but than we face the facts and deal with them.
For now, you really don't have to make a quick decision you have time to think about this. Take the time to regain clarity and calmness, than make a choice, but do make one either which way and accept it entirely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2011): Sorry but I think he is a gay man still in the closet.
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female
reader, Tuatara  +, writes (7 May 2011):
 Hi thereFirst bit of advise is - Postpone your move.We often talk about red flags, what to look, look out for and what to worry or be wary about. We frequently only see the 'good stuff' and choose to, or find it hard to see and consider the bigger picture. We give more care to buying a car, picking staff and even friends. We need to look a bit deeper at the person we are choosing to share our lives with. Usually we race into the relationship develop the 'love' and bang, it's too late your hooked.Your relationship is in it's relative infancy stage and the recent discoveries of his cheating are very recent and pretty mind blowing. It's only two weeks since you discovered this.Many things in your post alerted me to probable red flags. 1. He has or had the ability to cheat on you and hide it.2. He had conflicted sexual desires3. He was able to conceal it for years.4. His description of - 'an overwhelming thing' - what does that mean?5. Within the past 3 plus years he has had marriage, divorce, new relationship, homosexual encounter. No wonder he is stressed.6. He has had a failed marriage.I could go on but I think you will get the drift.Deciding on whether you are satisfied and at peace with these discoveries will take time. Cheating, is cheating and it goes along way to the make up and character of a person who can do it. Cheating is never okay and not something which 'everyone does' B/shit! Cheating is indicative of a person with problems.It seems that he has been able to discuss this with you, which is good, but I am not sure that he is not still a bit lost or confused with what he wants, and who he wants to be. What has he done personally to work this out?Or perhaps now that he has come clean is all of this over and fixed? You said that your man was married when you met. His marriage is now over. Why did his marriage end and was he cheating with you? Is he gay or bi? So many unanswered questions and layers to this situation. Definately enough possible red flags not to be making big decisions and up rooting your life. I got a bit confused when you say you have been with him 1 year, but the cheating was just short of 2 years ago. It implies that he has been unfaithful from the beginning of your relationship and perhaps within his marriage.Don't dismiss his actions by using stess as the catalyst. People handle stress in many different ways. All of us have stress. We are all human and make mistakes. The measure of a person is how they handle stress and what it brings out in them. Cheating or poor form because of stress is b/shit. We need to have self control, personal responsibility and, if sharing a life with someone else, be trustworthy, honest and have integrity. All of which don't cost a penny, easy to give if you are sincere.I think your man has some issues which he needs to work out. He may well be 'wonderful, handsome,intelligent and caring. And fantastic that he supported you when you where homebound, thats what partners do. No prizes for those actions. But he also has lied, cheated and been disfunctional with relationships for a few years now. Irrespective of how his marriage ended, which is still recent, he is in my opinion somewhat unstable. Letting you check up on him now and you two having a relatively surface conversation about his curiosity sexuality should not be the final conclusion to your concerns. I think it would be unwise to ignore his 'overwhelming thing'. I just don't think it is something you decide to 'try' to find out if it's for you. That to me is a smoke screen.Forgiveness and Trust are incredibly difficult to repair and regain, even if it's what you want. It take alot of time, work and the process hurts like hell. 1. Be careful you know all there is to know2. Ask yourself if you really know this guy3. Decide if you will really, sincerely be able to trust him.4. Ask yourself if he is fully committed to this relationship. 5. Ask yourself if he is trying to sweep all of this under the carpet in the hope it goes away. 6. Ask yourself if he is reallytrustworthy based on factual history.7. Ask yourself if you feel your future is safe and stable with this man. Be honest with yourself and see the big picture.I could go on. Everyone has flaws. Your not perfect. But it is the inner person you now need to discover about your man, before you embrace your potential future. I am not sure you don't know the inner man and maybe he doesn't either. All the best and as I feel it's early days, keep us posted.xxx
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female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (6 May 2011):
 Hi, First of all you need to take a deep breath.From what you are telling me this man loves you and he made a mistake like all humans do. I understand your challenges where you are concerned about trusting him again and he cheated. But he has just given you an all access pass to his life...he is clearly sorry for doing it. I don't think it's fair for you to judge him like that....especially at that time when he was stressed out. It doesn't mean that when he is stressed he will do it again. If you say this man is a good man....with all those good qualities...and he made one silly mistake at a bad time in his life...forgive him chick....good men don't come around too often. Sit with him, talk to him, tell him how you feel, tell him you love him.....and move on from that....start from scratch my love...give this man another chance....no one is without a mistake made in their life...no one...give him a chance....you love him, and he clearly loves you enough to give you free access to prove himself...girl...forgive him ..move on....let it go darling....
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