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female
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anonymous
writes: My husband is workaholic in denial. It slowly destroyed our marriage, what was 25 year long so far.His absence was causing lots of pain,and created a dysfunctional unhappy family..No, I'm not blaming everything on him,but I always tried to fix the gaps. Yet, now we have troubled grown ups, who are struggling to find their place in the outside world, and it is giving a lots of pain. But what is the most painful,that now we are alone,as the kids doesn't live with us, and we could enjoy our privacy, and empty nest, but he is impotent. And that is further makes it hell. The doctor didn't find anything medical, but he told him, he needs to cut back on work.But he says he can't. Because we need to pay the bills. True, we have have bills but he works 24/7 AND NO BRAKES. I tried to believe him , but I think, he is just escaping to his work..I , dont know what else can I dont know what else can I do. We are always in catch 22, going around in circles.When I criticize him about his work, I just push him further away, and our relationship is even colder. Sure he is a great provider, and he does not drink or going after other woman.But it is just as miserable, as he would.. He is totally burned out. I dont know how to convince him, that he cant avoid change..If he is not , he will die, or the marriage will. Please help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2010): I am not sure why in any problem, some one or other suggest to leave every thing that we have and find a new partner. That is useless and i strongly disagree. I knwo most of the cases at the end we are not left with any thing with us in that approach.
Now in ur case it is very common problem every where in the world. Now a days life has become such a material oriented and consumption oriented that i ask to every one that "are you really consuming or getting consumed? and truly no oen has given any answer to this.
This is what is happening to your husband also. He is not trying to escape. He is just trying to manage the finances, worying about kids, old age, and all sorts of responsibilities that he may be assuming. ]
My feeling is that instead of expecting and arguing him about all the problems ( which will create more problems than solving it ).
Create a supportive environment for him at home and i feel it will have positive impact. Do not say any thing to him. reduce expectations, just love him the way he is, no change needed in him. I can assure he will start changing. He will be more at home.
Obviously i do not know his job and work and what is situation at work. but i am sure above may be worth trying to see if it improves.
In any case this is very normal and common issue around the world. And off course some times wife also do the same to their husbands, but it does not mean that it justifies the killing the marriage. Marriage is all about complementing each other and completing them.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2010): I wanted to tell, I did the same the same thing with my family.But I realized that,I did this ,because I was angry at my wife, and this is how I closed myself out from sex and family responsibility. She was just not the right woman for me,and I was not brave enough...So I recommended you to leave,and get yourself some happiness.You will regret this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2010): He will never listen ,go and find a new partner! Take care
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (8 April 2010):
 Life is about balances. Family life is also important . If a man devotes too much time to career, his family life will suffer.
He needs to have a balance in his career as well as in his family life. Most of the time , they are working too hard and neglect their families.
You can tell then,cajole them or scold them and they will not listen to you .
It is only when the marriage dies or when the other spouse leave, will they realize their wrong path they have taken.
Some may change while for others ,maybe it is too late to change.
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (8 April 2010):
 I am guessing he's always been a work-aholic, you were just busy raising the kids so you didn't notice, or had your hands full enough, it wasn't so much of a problem. I don't think you're going to change him, only he can do that and he's showing no signs of slowing down. He has placed an awfully large amount of his identity into his work and little else. Because he's always retreated to work as an escape, or his own form of therapy (a place where he is "king", calls the shots, and is in control) he has never developed a personality, or the skills needed to interact outside of work. His flailing libido happens to lots of men, he's just dealing with it the same way he deals with everything else, by pouring on more work. It's an escape. Yes. If you don't want to divorce him, then find your own friends, your own hobbies and live your life to the fullest you can. When he comes home, he'll find a note "Gone to dinner with friends, food is in the fridge". Do the things you find enjoyable without him. He may come around at some point, when he realizes you're out having fun, now that the kids are grown, and he's still stuck in his own little rut. If not, at least you'll be able to expand your horizons and when he does pass away (we all do at some point) at least you'll have a network of friends to lean on and that will help you handle even the worst situation.
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reader, Angzw  +, writes (8 April 2010):
Are you sure he's actually at work? My X husband was also a workaholic and the only work he was doing was the secretary. They would wait till everyone was gone from work then cozy up in an empty office, while I gushed on and on to knowing (but sensitive) friends about his dedication to work. If there is no medical problem causing impotence then maybe he has a porn problem. Believe me, there is no man dedicated to his work so much that he can't find time to have sex at least once or twice a week minimum; even Catholic priests evidently struggle no matter how many rosaries they recite, innit? Bill Clinton could arguably have had one of the busiest jobs in the world during his time?? So start snooping around; cellphone, email, is he dressing up, wearing new undies, getting freshly barbered and fancy aftershave etc.
BUT, having said all this, maybe your man is just one of those who are honest and hardworking and can't help work addictions (and go to work slightly dishevelled proving there are no pretty girls to impress), so perhaps try going for marital counseling with him. Sorry to have been so blunt but I have seen this enough times and your own friends are too lovely to tell you bluntly, so its up to meanies like me:-(. All the best.
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (7 April 2010):
He's not going to change. I know this because my girlfriend was in a marriage much like yours, and in the end she had to end it because no matter what she did, it was going nowhere. You're past trying to tell him what's wrong. It's now time to give him the ultimatum and see what he says. If he still won't change, then you need to leave and find your own happiness elsewhere.
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reader, raiders  +, writes (7 April 2010):
 Do you work? If not maybe helping out will ease the burden of the bills. He does need a vacation. He needs a break to release himself of all the stress in his life. Are you financially stable to get away, if you are than do it. Talk to him make him see how worry you about him, and how his working habit is destroying your marriage. You can go to this site to read more and get information www.workaholics-anonymous.org/
Good luck I hope this helps!
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