A
female
age
,
*sadwoman
writes:My BF of 12 yrs and I have not had sex for about 2 years. We have been in/out of counseling and are currently seeing a new counselor for one last chance to salvage our relationship. I am 57, divorcedX2, and he is 63, divorcedX3. I am aware of and understand the age related downers to a sex life. I also understand the balance between emotions and physical desire and how a rocky relationship can destroy your sex life.What hurts is to know that he looks at porn sent to him daily by his guy friends; About a yr ago,he admitted to our counselor that he still felt the urge at least weekly and that he masturbated. She suggested he seek me out instead, and he initially agreed. I'm still waiting. How can I compete with that? ANd he even agreed--I can't! He referred to me as "you're just plain, old ----- and not exciting anymore" like the porn women and pretty women he sees in public.Today he told the counselor that he didn't feel the 'urge' much anymore, but he wouldn't say what that meant. Months ago, he accused me of masturbating, and initially I denied because I felt he was leading up to saying why make love when you and I can just masturbate. Today, I told him that, yes, I have masturbated to relieve anxiety/frustration, but it's no substitute for love-making and it sure ain't regular. It's purely physiologic and overall boring. He was furious that I lied to him about it, saying I had made him feel dirty/perverse about his own masturbation. Not so. I wanted to know why I couldn't be the recipient of some love or just attention.He is not complimentary and rarely touches me in any way, yet he will lavish hugs/kisses/strokes/endless cutesy talk to the dog. AM I wrong to wish I was the dog?Should I even continue to try and if so, any suggestions?
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female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (8 April 2010):
 Its great that you are still trying therapy but a shame it isnt working for your husband. The trouble is, he doesnt find you attractive anymore as he pointed out with his remark that you are just plain old...... You arent like the porn stars he enjoys looking at or the pretty women in the street....for two reasons. One he has noticed...you dont look like them. And the other reason which is going straight over his 63 year old head!! Unlike those women, you DO want to sleep with him.
Hes made his position clear. Hes stated what he prefers. You say he doesnt even pay you a compliment or show you physical affection. Clearly all of this neglect is hurting you but he isnt bothered about that.
So start being less plain. Make the most of your assets. If you have great legs, get them waxed and tanned and show them off. Pretty eyes, make the most of them with make up. A great bust. Buy push up bras (theyre brilliant) and WOW the guys. Buy a new wardrobe. Start going to the gym. Take the dog for a brisk walk every evening. Hold your head high, smile at people while you are out. Stop letting this man beat you down. You can totally transform yourself so give it a try. When you are looking fantastic, he will start waking up to the fact that guys are admiring you when you are out together. He will regain interest quick smart because he wont want to lose you! Taking you for granted, not caring about your needs. These things are the kiss of death to any relationship. Let him see there are others out there that might just be happy to take his place.
And when his interest is rekindled you can say you arent interested in him because hes just plain old...lol. Only kidding, but just get yourself into great shape for you and dont worry about what he thinks anymore. Step outside the box and start looking after youself. Once you start to feel great and others are noticing and paying compliments, his opinion of you wont matter.
Being blunt, his health and age are against him. He should be very flattered that a younger woman is still interested in him....he should not be neglecting your needs and taking you for granted! Hes stupid because he will lose you soon if he doesnt get his act together x
A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (8 April 2010):
Bloody dog! get a grip woman and seek what you want from life. It may come as a shock to you but loose a couple of pounds, freshen up your wardrope, get your changed.
Focus on what you want and sod him. He is a selfish pig and I bet he looks all of 63. I am not wrong am I, you have lots of time to find someone new that will provide you with sex several times a week.
Granted he may not be erect to order but he should cuddle and play with you and can bring you off by hand. (sorry for tthe basic talk), Likewise so can you for him, which you would do that is clear from what you say?
You may do better to tell him its not working time you moved out? He can wank to his hearts content over porn!
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (8 April 2010):
 Sadly he is only focusing on the fact that you are aging while failing to acknowledge his own advanced age. I suspect he is in denial about his own remorse and therefore cannot find comfort or attraction with you. It is true that some people, though they may age on the outside (and inside)still long for the type of women/men they could attract when they were 30. It's complicated. And men with financial means will usually pay for this type of entertainment. He's already showing the signs. Alas he is not attracted to you. Some people actually lose their attraction for a mate as soon as the wedding vows are said. This could be his problem, considering how many times he's been married. Maybe it's the kiss of death. The way I see it, you have 3 choices. 1) Leave him. 2) Stay and put up with this horrible mis-matched sex drive the two of you have but continue sex therapy. 3) Make some serious changes in your appearance that might help him re-kindle his spark for you. Could you dye your hair? Lose 10 or 15 lbs? Buy a new wardrobe? See a stylist, get your hair re-done, learn how to do your make-up better? Take up a hobby that makes you seem challenging and interesting and possibly make him wonder who else might see you as the sexy, vibrant creature he is failing to see.
It's a game, really this thing called sexual attraction. It takes work, creativity and a crafty woman to keep a man like this interested. I wish you the best!!!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 April 2010):
 Even if his libido came back, it doesn't mean he could stay hard for long and perform up to your standard. So he is not going to do anything physical which would lead to a lovemaking session. The dog is never going to expect anything more than patting, kissing and treats. He not only needs a counselor, he needs a physician.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (7 April 2010):
 If the counseling is not working what else can you do. You can only do so much and if a person is unwilling to change, there is not much to pursued. Your age should not matter because as a human you still have urges, you still want to cuddle, you still want attention, and you still want to feel loved. Try talking to him, tell him exactly whats in your mind, give him an ultimatum, and if he is not willing to change you might want to consider leaving him. I know its not easy but why continue to be tortured just cut the strings and move on. I wish you luck and that you find happiness.
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