A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I had a happy marriage over the past year, but now it’s all gone downhill fast. We had decided before the wedding to start our family in our second year of marriage (which is this year). However he had a vasectomy after his first marriage from which he has 2 children. He agreed before we married to have this reversed once we were married and ready to start our family but every time I talk to him about it now he has all sorts of excuses, like the cost of the operation, no time to go to his doctor, busy at work, things that he has to arrange for his 2 kids re: school placement and sporting activities – the list goes on. I am beginning to think he doesn’t want to go ahead. I told him that I am concerned that time is passing and I am not getting any younger, neither is he, and we have no guarantee that the reversal will work anyway, in which case we might have to resort to other measures. I asked him if he would be disappointed if we didn’t have a child together (of course he already has 2 children, I have never been married before and have none) he said he that he would not, in fact, be disappointed. What he did say straight out is that if he went to all the trouble and expense and we didn’t have a baby the worst of it would be the “waste of money”. Not a mention about how I would feel.I feel betrayed and I am considering divorce because when I try and discuss it without being confrontational he just clams up, walks away, any kind of avoidance behaviour. He is getting angry because I lack enthusiasm in the bedroom and says I “look as if I’m thinking of something else” when we’re intimate – which I am. I think I made a mistake in marrying him because it seems he’s not going to keep our agreement, or else something has happened to change his mind. I don’t want to spend another year waiting to see what will happen, I want to see it happening. And now I’ve wasted a year with someone who should have been upfront with me in the first place.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 April 2011):
You have unfortunately wasted your time entirely.
From a male point of view, a vasectomy is a pretty final operation. There's next to no chance that it can really be reversed, and even of it could be reversed, the fact he had it done in the first place was an indication one way or another that children were not on the cards any longer.
I don't think he has any intention of getting it reversed, so instead of wasting more time, maybe you should just move on.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): check with financial side ?? it may due to not ready to handle that by adding more kids to his responsibility. Neverthless, i do not think he is thinking of betraying you. i feel it is all about some taking time and some issues.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 April 2011):
 I don't think he ever meant it. I don't think he ever had plans of having it done.
You have a couple of options:
1. divorce (if you love him not a great choice)
2. a sperm donor
3. be childfree forever
4. adoption
The big issue will become that he probably does NOT want another child and will possibly resent any child you have either through adoption or donor sperm......
Think long and hard about the fact that he possibly LIED to you all along about having this reversal.
VASECTOMY reversal is a very very hard and often un-successful operation...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): The clock is ticking and I think you need to take a good, hard look at what you're dealing with. Heres a man who had surgery because he DID NOT want anymore children. He made a deal breaker promise to you....that hes now breaking! He has told you he wont be disappointed if he cant get you pregnant, just upset about the financial cost. And when you want to discuss a family with him, he refuses and walks away! Hes not thinking about your feelings at all. Infact, hes trying to make this issue your 'problem'. When there shouldnt be a problem.
Maybe you can pressure him into going through with the reversal and trying for children. But is that someone you really want children with? He should be excited about becoming a father again and happy to plan an op date without coercion. As he is so unenthusiastic now, what will he be like if he cant father a baby with you? Will he really be there for IVF/adoption and all the costs and traumas that can bring?
As he is refusing to discuss things with you, why not decide on the latest time you expect an answer from him? Then tell him you would like an answer on such and such date as to whether or not he actually wants more children. And if he does, when does he plan to have the op. Once you have given him a date for the answer, dont mention it again or talk of divorce. Let him make his mind up and await his decision. I hope things work out ok for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): He seems to be backtracking on his committment to you. He has children, so it seems his desire to have a child with you is not that strong. He is not being very understanding regarding your desire for a child especially as he knew of your thoughts on the matter. This sounds quite selfish. You need to have a very straightforward conversation with him. If this is a dealbreaker for you then you need to be totally honest. He led you to believe that he would have the procedure (which does not always prove successful anyway)- he can't now change his mind - that is very cruel. Maybe he is hoping you will just give up on the idea. Could you look into a 'sperm donor' so the child would be yours, though not his? As a woman with maternal instincts, forgoing being a mother would be extremely hard - regrets later on may be unbearable. Be strong and point all this out to him, no more empty promises, action is needed and a shared desire to move the situation on.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 April 2011):
 It's time for a serious discussion. Not a little nagging about it here or there, or small comments randomly thrown into the mix, but a good old solid talk. A "we need to talk"-talk. Set off some hours so he has nowhere else he needs to be, nothing else that needs to be done, shut off the cell phones, lock the door and just sit down and talk.
"When we got married you made a promise", you can start, and go on to telling him that you have lost confidence he will keep his word. Then let him speak. Do not bring up thoughts of divorce! If you go down that line you will never hear the end of it. Never talk about divorce in an argument, or threaten with it. Think about it all you want, but never speak those words. So do not bring that into the discussion, no matter how angry or upset you might get.
Don't leave it all up to him either. How can he blame the cost of the operation, you are married, your economy is joined is it not? The cost will fall on your shoulders as well. Take a part in this, plan the date together with him, talk about going to the doctors with him if he is nervous. Do this together with him.
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